Venting First time at new therapist, insurance fails and I owe $75 for a noshow.

[prone2fury]

I've hurt myself so much, but I still wanted to keep trying and looking for a professional. Because even though I want to die, I know it's logistically possible for me to be stable if I can just fucking have a real professional WORK WITH ME to stabilize me. I know there is no instant cure and I have to drink after I've been led to water. But every time I try therapy its so fucking mid. They just talk about my day or tell me that I shouldnt hate myself and don't go any fucking further.

I thought thousands of years of advancements and progress in science, philosophy, and the arts would produce at least one person that can help me. Out of the 8 billion something people in the world, is there just one that comprehends how brains function enough to make them stop fucking up so bad? Maybe, I think. But the smallest fucking thing will stand between me and finding out. Frustrating doesn't even describe it. It's like the same hot iron being pressed onto my bare back, always there ever since I started forming memories.

But I know that's how it is on this bitch of an Earth. For every one person that ever got therapy, hundreds of thousands more in history, or now, just existed and raw dogged their troubles with no meds. For every fast food chicken sandwich I eat, at least one person in my country starved, even more if you look historically. So much horrific misery and it ends in death and no scent of mercy. The ones that die die and the ones that suffer suffer, and there is no justice other than what we can scrounge together ourselves.

I know whether I can manage to not CTB is a coin flip in the end. Either I do or I don't. I don't want to, but that's irrelevant data to a simple equation. It would just be nice if I, as a person at risk, was not completely shouldering the responsibility of my own health. After saying it it sounds selfish. Ugh existing is hard. Anyway thats all, big thanks if you read this. I'm gonna hit my pen and eat some food

 

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It would just be nice if I, as a person at risk, was not completely shouldering the responsibility of my own health. After saying it it sounds selfish.

I don't think it's selfish.

I feel annoyed on your behalf.

We're far past intelligent enough that we have the capability to adequately support the vulnerable among us. Instead, we put far more energy into manufacturing reasons to battle each other, and those battles come at the cost of resources that could otherwise be used to significantly improve our way of life. The frustration is valid because it doesn't have to be this way; we just choose to make it so -- choices we make, as a collective, and the built-in failures of 'the system' that come with those choices.

Personally speaking, being stuck in a difficult spot and eternally distressed by the world's injustice, a few answers I've found beyond shear perseverance are mindfulness (trying to keep grounded in the present moment and immediate surroundings), behavioural activation (can't find it within yourself to do something? "do it anyway"), and radical acceptance ("it is what it is"; now do whatever it takes to move forward). Easy to say. Challenging to apply. Limited impact. But it's something.