I feel for you and have lived a similar life. I'm just a few years younger than you but also had a pretty tumultuous life and ended up being incarcerated for a few years in CA. Although it wasn't for violence or anything - I was addicted to both drugs and motorcycles - specifically I spent many years as a "stunter", that is myself and my friends would ride wheelies at insane speeds all night long. If you are from Florida I'm sure you are familiar. After 14 warrants and felony evasion, I had to pay the piper. Needless to say, when the party lights came on we never bothered pulling over. Until I ran out of gas.
Anyways, I too got lucky and found the love of my life. A girl so sweet and selfless that I beat myself up everyday for not being there for her when she needed me the most. My family ostracized us as she was different and didn't speak perfect English. To this day I hate myself for not being there when she needed me. Instead, I was out with my friends getting drunk and high risking my life for miles upon miles of wheelies. I awoke one morning to her hanging by an extension cord.
She eventually granted me a greater gift than I ever could have imagined. I had just been disabled, lost my ability to walk, and most of the use of my hands. She was gone, and having no family I was truly stuck. I couldn't even get down the steps to leave my home, or tie my own shoes. With snot running down my nose and crying like a baby, she gifted me an experience that I will never be able to explain. I'm not a religious person and never have been. But she proved to me, personally, that death is simply waking up from the dream we call physical existence. I don't expect anyone to believe that, but it became my truth. What I learned was that life is closer to a play that we've planned and created. We have simply chosen to forget this so as not to cheapen the experience. It's like being totally engrossed in a really good movie where everything else fades away for a certain period of time.
Death is like finally being able to breathe after holding your breath for a really long time. My only wish now is to join her.
As a 60+ gentleman, I still ride my Vespa daily and my Evo Big Twin on weekends.
Lifelong dope fiend on several continents, never had a ball and chain put on me. I cannot do a wheelie.
You write well mate. I thought the following may be of interest to you.
Will the Kairos Kollar actually happen?
Current status (as of late March 2026):
Philip Nitschke has demonstrated the Kairos Kollar multiple times on a mannequin during workshops in Australia, the Netherlands, London, and other locations.
In February 2026, he announced that a Dutch woman had volunteered as the first human test subject and that the initial real-person trial would take place in Switzerland. Nitschke described the device as "fast, reliable, drug-free, and importantly, unrestrictable."
However, as of the end of March 2026:
No confirmed human test or death using the Kairos Kollar has been publicly reported.
Exit's own communications state that the device is still in the testing phase.
Critics, including rival right-to-die organizations such as Pegasos and former Exit staff, have openly dismissed these announcements as PR stunts designed to generate revenue at a time when methods (such as Nembutal) are becoming increasingly difficult to obtain.
"Exit's own communications state that the device is still in the testing phase"
Whenever Nitschke and Co use this phraseology
it generally means that the next WONDERFUL NEW DEATH MACHINE ....didn't work, is illegal,
they couldn't copyright it or, as stated by critics above that it's bait to keep us in thrall to their emails.
For 25 years we've watched the degradation of Nitchke's profferings, from effective solutions such as providing local contacts within Australia, to 3rd world hook ups for Nembutal in a chapter of that book that reads like an early Lonely Planet.
Next was selling 2nd rate Chinese re-stickered regulators & beer cylinders at a significant markup, now costly membership fees that tell us nothing new.
As regulations around lethal nitrite salts kicked in after too many youths decided to kick off,
we were offered .........................................THE SARCO.
The all in one nitrogen delivery device that doubles as a soigne coffin. Very 21st Century Phil.
Moreover, it was initially touted as an artifact that could be 3D printed, by whom we are not told.
I ask myself why, with high tech death at his disposal, an associate attached to the SARCO who had come under the scrutiny of the Swiss authorities leaped from a 3rd floor window instead of using one of these jet-skis to make a royal exit on Lake Geneva pushing the code on the screen as fast as able?
Doctor Phil again states in an Exit Intnl email that as with the Sarcophagus, the Collar from Cairo is printable on a 3D printer. Being modest of size and simple of design, the implications were clear.
But now we are obliquely told that there exist 'developmental' obstacles.
Or, are they examining the obstacles for commercial exploitation & still getting it under the legal wire?
1.Sell it as a copy of a WW2 MI5 killing device for collectors?
2.Engrave with heiroglyphs & sell it as King Tut's member- ring that he wore in the SARCO to keep him firm in an afterlife rich with concubines!
YAWN......or just keep selling the same old banal & irrelevant history books, tarted up with promised potentialities.
Given the options for ending human life are categorised, researchable, & available if one is prepared to venture to parts of Africa, Asia,or the Indian subcontinent, Nitschke's marketing brings to mind the methods of contemporary pharmaceutical companies.
Dig up some expired patents, rebrand and market them as 'possibilities' that could one day right our existential wrongs, in the comfort of one's lounge.
Didja get all that Phil??????
It always take a little piece of my soul when a kid (no offense, I have grandkids older than you 
) says the things you have. I was honestly shocked when I found out SaSu's main group is actually younger -- much younger -- than me.
