I did my first partial hanging test today. I feel weird. It was extremely easy and I used to self harm in a similar way when I was a child. Since I didn't have intentions of going through with it this time, and with how effectively the method worked- that I could have accidentally ctb'd- made the veil between intent, life/death/conscienceness and states of being only more thin. I'm here testing my belt on the closet door in my bathroom one moment, then the idea of me ceases to exist. Whether or not if I really wanted to be dead or just given a reason to be alive doesn't matter. And that brings me to intent. I'm really lost. I'm not trying to force anything-including ideas or outcomes-onto myself but I keep inching towards the edge and when I take a step back, life shoulder checks me forward. I'm the one keeping friends from shooting themselves but I've ran out of reasons to give them long ago other than "please, you mean too much to ME". That's so selfish and I'm so exhausted from these step and repeat interactions we initiate for ourselves daily that hold no compassion for us.
I'm perpetually depressed but fluctuate drastically. I've been extremely down lately and the state of the world only makes me feel sick and think violently. I'm sick of being perpetually sold an idea, product, or lifestyle that I never believed in. Nobody can just fuckin live without a finger in their face pointing the right and wrong things out. Disagreeing is the same as murder, and WE people accept, aide, and perpetuate these issues. And LITERALLY EVERYTHING is made of poison. I have PLASTIC IN MY TESTICLES and thats FINE?!
I hate my job I worked very hard for. I'm not respected as a professional. I'm losing all sense of creativity, care or will. My car broke down at work and is sitting in their lot so I walked home through the rain yesterday. I'm constantly tired and don't have the energy for anything that needs to be done. I have to do something and I am starting to think it's CTB.
I've known since elementary school that this is how I was going to end up but I didnt think so soon, so lackluster, so fucking bullshit dude. Swear I've been alive for the last year as an act of protest alone.
Idk dude… I guess anything is appreciated. Not sure I'm venting, but I hate the selfish space around yelling into the void on the internet and expecting some kind of reaction. I just don't know. I both EQUALLY AND FURIOUSLY want to live and die at the same time and the want to die is outweighing the desire to put in the effort to try to strive to be better than my peers and potentially make some piss ant sized impact on the world…
I'm perpetually depressed but fluctuate drastically. I've been extremely down lately and the state of the world only makes me feel sick and think violently. I'm sick of being perpetually sold an idea, product, or lifestyle that I never believed in. Nobody can just fuckin live without a finger in their face pointing the right and wrong things out. Disagreeing is the same as murder, and WE people accept, aide, and perpetuate these issues. And LITERALLY EVERYTHING is made of poison. I have PLASTIC IN MY TESTICLES and thats FINE?!
I hate my job I worked very hard for. I'm not respected as a professional. I'm losing all sense of creativity, care or will. My car broke down at work and is sitting in their lot so I walked home through the rain yesterday. I'm constantly tired and don't have the energy for anything that needs to be done. I have to do something and I am starting to think it's CTB.
I've known since elementary school that this is how I was going to end up but I didnt think so soon, so lackluster, so fucking bullshit dude. Swear I've been alive for the last year as an act of protest alone.
Idk dude… I guess anything is appreciated. Not sure I'm venting, but I hate the selfish space around yelling into the void on the internet and expecting some kind of reaction. I just don't know. I both EQUALLY AND FURIOUSLY want to live and die at the same time and the want to die is outweighing the desire to put in the effort to try to strive to be better than my peers and potentially make some piss ant sized impact on the world…
