Finding a reason to make life worth living?

[clarity]

Yesterday I met with a clinical psychologist for an assessment for a group dbt program my psychologist was interested in me doing (I used to be interested in doing dbt but am now feeling too unmotivated and depressed to want to do anything to change my inabiliity to tolerate distress and manage emotions).

I told her about wanting to stop my regular therapy because I don't have any "therapy goals'" whereas other people have goals like self improvement etc. I only wanted to have someone to talk to. She mentioned something about friendships - I told her that all my relationships have been/are surface level, and I mask around other people to the point of making things up just to fit in, and that I get bad RSD.

She said that a therapy goal can be "finding a reason to make life worth living".

I don't have anything that makes life worth living. I don't believe I will ever find anything that makes life worth living. I should have killed myself when I first started getting suicidal towards the end of high school. It's now over 20 years later, and I've realised that life wasn't worth sticking around for. My life has felt very empty.

At the moment I am still here because of my strong SI. I don't have hope but I am still scared of the finality of death. I still find it incredibly hard to swallow the cup of SN.

I asked her whether she thought it was true that life gets more and more depressing as you get older. She said no, but "life is full of pain". If life is full of pain, doesn't that make life depressing?

What are some reasons that make life worth living?

 

[Forever Sleep]

For me, for many decades it was to pursue a creative career. That did give me something to hold on to.

I think probably a lot of therapists go for that though- to find a purpose or, something that brings us joy.

The problem though is- life is so bittersweet. The therapist I saw briefly tried to focus on joy. What had made me happy in the past? Friendship was a source of great joy but then- life changes. Friendships can grow distant. I suppose I came more to the conclusion of- why latch onto things I could so easily lose again? It's been heartbreaking in life to lose people. Why would I invite that level of pain in once more?

So, I just think it's complicated. With just about everything in life, it's possible and in some cases, likely to lose it. Maybe we can enjoy the moment and enjoy the memories but I suppose for me to accept joy would be to accept loss too and, I'm sick of loss!

Plus of course- trying to establish new friendships runs the risk of rejection. The same goes for pursuing jobs etc. We can (understandably) feel afraid that we don't want to experience those things as part of the risk of trying to make things better.

I think maybe that's one of the biggest issues I have with 'recovery'. It exposes us to more risk when we really aren't at our strongest to begin with.

 

[Sleeper System]

Yesterday I met with a clinical psychologist for an assessment for a group dbt program my psychologist was interested in me doing (I used to be interested in doing dbt but am now feeling too unmotivated and depressed to want to do anything to change my inabiliity to tolerate distress and manage emotions).

I told her about wanting to stop my regular therapy because I don't have any "therapy goals'" whereas other people have goals like self improvement etc. I only wanted to have someone to talk to. She mentioned something about friendships - I told her that all my relationships have been/are surface level, and I mask around other people to the point of making things up just to fit in, and that I get bad RSD.

She said that a therapy goal can be "finding a reason to make life worth living".

I don't have anything that makes life worth living. I don't believe I will ever find anything that makes life worth living. I should have killed myself when I first started getting suicidal towards the end of high school. It's now over 20 years later, and I've realised that life wasn't worth sticking around for. My life has felt very empty.

At the moment I am still here because of my strong SI. I don't have hope but I am still scared of the finality of death. I still find it incredibly hard to swallow the cup of SN.

I asked her whether she thought it was true that life gets more and more depressing as you get older. She said no, but "life is full of pain". If life is full of pain, doesn't that make life depressing?

What are some reasons that make life worth living?

Not much. The little moments of happiness I guess. From hearing a funny joke to eating something good. Orgasms and highs. Drinking and numbness. but like they said. Life is full of pain so happiness is not something that is meant to last. You have to find it where you can amist all the bullshit. But in the end the pain always comes back. The only constant thing.

 

[FuneralCry]

It could never be to me, I see existence as a mistake and I find it deeply undesirable to exist in every way possible, I'd just always prefer to not exist than suffer in this futile, torturous existence where there is no limit as to how much agony one can feel that just leads to decay and death anyway, for me non-existence is just all that's positive, I wish I could just erase this existence.