Finding a reason to make life worth living?

[clarity]

Yesterday I met with a clinical psychologist for an assessment for a group dbt program my psychologist was interested in me doing (I used to be interested in doing dbt but am now feeling too unmotivated and depressed to want to do anything to change my inabiliity to tolerate distress and manage emotions).

I told her about wanting to stop my regular therapy because I don't have any "therapy goals'" whereas other people have goals like self improvement etc. I only wanted to have someone to talk to. She mentioned something about friendships - I told her that all my relationships have been/are surface level, and I mask around other people to the point of making things up just to fit in, and that I get bad RSD.

She said that a therapy goal can be "finding a reason to make life worth living".

I don't have anything that makes life worth living. I don't believe I will ever find anything that makes life worth living. I should have killed myself when I first started getting suicidal towards the end of high school. It's now over 20 years later, and I've realised that life wasn't worth sticking around for. My life has felt very empty.

At the moment I am still here because of my strong SI. I don't have hope but I am still scared of the finality of death. I still find it incredibly hard to swallow the cup of SN.

I asked her whether she thought it was true that life gets more and more depressing as you get older. She said no, but "life is full of pain". If life is full of pain, doesn't that make life depressing?

What are some reasons that make life worth living?

 

[Forever Sleep]

For me, for many decades it was to pursue a creative career. That did give me something to hold on to.

I think probably a lot of therapists go for that though- to find a purpose or, something that brings us joy.

The problem though is- life is so bittersweet. The therapist I saw briefly tried to focus on joy. What had made me happy in the past? Friendship was a source of great joy but then- life changes. Friendships can grow distant. I suppose I came more to the conclusion of- why latch onto things I could so easily lose again? It's been heartbreaking in life to lose people. Why would I invite that level of pain in once more?

So, I just think it's complicated. With just about everything in life, it's possible and in some cases, likely to lose it. Maybe we can enjoy the moment and enjoy the memories but I suppose for me to accept joy would be to accept loss too and, I'm sick of loss!

Plus of course- trying to establish new friendships runs the risk of rejection. The same goes for pursuing jobs etc. We can (understandably) feel afraid that we don't want to experience those things as part of the risk of trying to make things better.

I think maybe that's one of the biggest issues I have with 'recovery'. It exposes us to more risk when we really aren't at our strongest to begin with.

 

[Sleeper System]

Yesterday I met with a clinical psychologist for an assessment for a group dbt program my psychologist was interested in me doing (I used to be interested in doing dbt but am now feeling too unmotivated and depressed to want to do anything to change my inabiliity to tolerate distress and manage emotions).

I told her about wanting to stop my regular therapy because I don't have any "therapy goals'" whereas other people have goals like self improvement etc. I only wanted to have someone to talk to. She mentioned something about friendships - I told her that all my relationships have been/are surface level, and I mask around other people to the point of making things up just to fit in, and that I get bad RSD.

She said that a therapy goal can be "finding a reason to make life worth living".

I don't have anything that makes life worth living. I don't believe I will ever find anything that makes life worth living. I should have killed myself when I first started getting suicidal towards the end of high school. It's now over 20 years later, and I've realised that life wasn't worth sticking around for. My life has felt very empty.

At the moment I am still here because of my strong SI. I don't have hope but I am still scared of the finality of death. I still find it incredibly hard to swallow the cup of SN.

I asked her whether she thought it was true that life gets more and more depressing as you get older. She said no, but "life is full of pain". If life is full of pain, doesn't that make life depressing?

What are some reasons that make life worth living?

Not much. The little moments of happiness I guess. From hearing a funny joke to eating something good. Orgasms and highs. Drinking and numbness. but like they said. Life is full of pain so happiness is not something that is meant to last. You have to find it where you can amist all the bullshit. But in the end the pain always comes back. The only constant thing.

 

[FuneralCry]

It could never be to me, I see existence as a mistake and I find it deeply undesirable to exist in every way possible, I'd just always prefer to not exist than suffer in this futile, torturous existence where there is no limit as to how much agony one can feel that just leads to decay and death anyway, for me non-existence is just all that's positive, I wish I could just erase this existence.

 

[clarity]

For me, for many decades it was to pursue a creative career. That did give me something to hold on to.

I think probably a lot of therapists go for that though- to find a purpose or, something that brings us joy.

The problem though is- life is so bittersweet. The therapist I saw briefly tried to focus on joy. What had made me happy in the past? Friendship was a source of great joy but then- life changes. Friendships can grow distant. I suppose I came more to the conclusion of- why latch onto things I could so easily lose again? It's been heartbreaking in life to lose people. Why would I invite that level of pain in once more?

So, I just think it's complicated. With just about everything in life, it's possible and in some cases, likely to lose it. Maybe we can enjoy the moment and enjoy the memories but I suppose for me to accept joy would be to accept loss too and, I'm sick of loss!

Plus of course- trying to establish new friendships runs the risk of rejection. The same goes for pursuing jobs etc. We can (understandably) feel afraid that we don't want to experience those things as part of the risk of trying to make things better.

I think maybe that's one of the biggest issues I have with 'recovery'. It exposes us to more risk when we really aren't at our strongest to begin with.

Had you always wanted to pursue a creative career? I was/am a clueless person - I had no idea what I wanted to do, just picked the option I hated the least. I struggled through university, barely graduated.

My psychologist also focused on joy - spending time doing enjoyable activities, focusing on my interests. The problem with that is that I have been unable to feel enjoyment or joy for a long time now, and I also lack interests/hobbies. I have no motivation to develop any new ones.

She said it was important to have social connections. I've always struggled with friendships. I tend to mask when I am around others, hence I find it draining. I get too easily affected by other people, even little things like their tone of voice, body language etc.

I don't believe I am capable of "recovery", being a normal person.

Not much. The little moments of happiness I guess. From hearing a funny joke to eating something good. Orgasms and highs. Drinking and numbness. but like they said. Life is full of pain so happiness is not something that is meant to last. You have to find it where you can amist all the bullshit. But in the end the pain always comes back. The only constant thing.

Moments of happiness have been few and far between. Life just doesn't seem worth it for me, living just for those little moments. Even alcohol doesn't bring happiness - it just makes me suicidal instead.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Had you always wanted to pursue a creative career? I was/am a clueless person - I had no idea what I wanted to do, just picked the option I hated the least. I struggled through university, barely graduated.

My psychologist also focused on joy - spending time doing enjoyable activities, focusing on my interests. The problem with that is that I have been unable to feel enjoyment or joy for a long time now, and I also lack interests/hobbies. I have no motivation to develop any new ones.

She said it was important to have social connections. I've always struggled with friendships. I tend to mask when I am around others, hence I find it draining. I get too easily affected by other people, even little things like their tone of voice, body language etc.

I don't believe I am capable of "recovery", being a normal person.

Moments of happiness have been few and far between. Life just doesn't seem worth it for me, living just for those little moments. Even alcohol doesn't bring happiness - it just makes me suicidal instead.

Yes, I always loved art, even as a child. For me though, it also became an amazing coping mechanism in childhood during a period of intense bullying. I found comfort in being able to just lose myself in doing it. That's continued too. Being creative has been a way for me to hide from the world. While it probably saved me overall, it's a pretty maladaptive way to live though because- it's obsessional for one. It's an unstable career too. Plus- it always gave me an excuse not to see people! So- it's not the healthiest way to live. Plus now, while I'd still hate to lose it, it's not quite doing what it did for me.

Did the psychologist suggest antidepressants? Mine did at the time. Because she also didn't sense much joy in my life. I was stuggling with my (art) degree at the time. My very worst times in life had tended to be when my (creative) coping mechanism was failing also. But- the idea was- the drugs would lift me enough to reengage with life and, that would kind of take over. I went on Fluoexetine (Prozac) for one course but, it didn't seem to do anything.

Have you always felt no interest/ joy in anything? Anhedonia I guess. Or, is it something that changed?

I think sometimes the theory is to try to make us more receptive to feeling joy to begin with. There are the artificial stimulants- drugs. But then, there's stuff we can do naturally. Better diet and exercise for example. I know I feel especially shit at the moment because I've let those things slip so severely. Of course, the problem may be we have no motivation whatsoever to do those things. I guess it depends on how much we hate the current state we're in though. If that becomes too intense- and we also don't feel able to kill ourselves, maybe we will be willing to try other things. Do you do exercise etc? Does it make any difference to how you feel?

 

[clarity]

Yes, I always loved art, even as a child. For me though, it also became an amazing coping mechanism in childhood during a period of intense bullying. I found comfort in being able to just lose myself in doing it. That's continued too. Being creative has been a way for me to hide from the world. While it probably saved me overall, it's a pretty maladaptive way to live though because- it's obsessional for one. It's an unstable career too. Plus- it always gave me an excuse not to see people! So- it's not the healthiest way to live. Plus now, while I'd still hate to lose it, it's not quite doing what it did for me.

Did the psychologist suggest antidepressants? Mine did at the time. Because she also didn't sense much joy in my life. I was stuggling with my (art) degree at the time. My very worst times in life had tended to be when my (creative) coping mechanism was failing also. But- the idea was- the drugs would lift me enough to reengage with life and, that would kind of take over. I went on Fluoexetine (Prozac) for one course but, it didn't seem to do anything.

Have you always felt no interest/ joy in anything? Anhedonia I guess. Or, is it something that changed?

I think sometimes the theory is to try to make us more receptive to feeling joy to begin with. There are the artificial stimulants- drugs. But then, there's stuff we can do naturally. Better diet and exercise for example. I know I feel especially shit at the moment because I've let those things slip so severely. Of course, the problem may be we have no motivation whatsoever to do those things. I guess it depends on how much we hate the current state we're in though. If that becomes too intense- and we also don't feel able to kill ourselves, maybe we will be willing to try other things. Do you do exercise etc? Does it make any difference to how you feel?

It's great that you had something that you were passionate about. I agree that arts is definitely an unstable career - I haven't worked for one year now. Employment is one of the reasons I should ctb.

I've been on antidepressants since I was in my late teens, so for years now. I've been on different types - SSRIs, SNRIs, atypical antidepressants. Zoloft initially worked for me, but then it stopped working. They all eventually stop working. I started on a new antidepressant 3 months ago but it's not doing much. Maybe I'm expecting too much. I'm also on a benzo for social anxiety and insomnia (which is also not working).

My psychiatrist thought I would benefit from ketamine but I can't afford it, even though it has come under the pbs. It requires regular consultations with a psychiatrist and they told me the initial consultation costs $700.

The only thing which brings me joy is my cat. I adopted her this year. But the joy is kind of - blunted. I've realised a lot of my emotions are blunted. I just feel a lot of nothingness.

My appointment with my psychologist is on Monday and I emailed her today cancelling the appointment. I was meant to ctb this morning but I didn't finish my binge until just now. I'm starting the 8 hour fast now. I don't know if my SI will kick in again. I'm feeling a little scared.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's great that you had something that you were passionate about. I agree that arts is definitely an unstable career - I haven't worked for one year now. Employment is one of the reasons I should ctb.

I've been on antidepressants since I was in my late teens, so for years now. I've been on different types - SSRIs, SNRIs, atypical antidepressants. Zoloft initially worked for me, but then it stopped working. They all eventually stop working. I started on a new antidepressant 3 months ago but it's not doing much. Maybe I'm expecting too much. I'm also on a benzo for social anxiety and insomnia (which is also not working).

My psychiatrist thought I would benefit from ketamine but I can't afford it, even though it has come under the pbs. It requires regular consultations with a psychiatrist and they told me the initial consultation costs $700.

The only thing which brings me joy is my cat. I adopted her this year. But the joy is kind of - blunted. I've realised a lot of my emotions are blunted. I just feel a lot of nothingness.

My appointment with my psychologist is on Monday and I emailed her today cancelling the appointment. I was meant to ctb this morning but I didn't finish my binge until just now. I'm starting the 8 hour fast now. I don't know if my SI will kick in again. I'm feeling a little scared.

I've heard that about antidepressants- that they tend to stop working. I'm sorry. It does sound like you've been on this path a long time.

I didn't realise you were so close to actually going. I imagine it must be scary though. I've never actually attempted. I still hope to wait for my Dad to go first. I'm guessing you are using SN if you are fasting? I'm so sorry it has come to this.

 

[clarity]

I've heard that about antidepressants- that they tend to stop working. I'm sorry. It does sound like you've been on this path a long time.

I didn't realise you were so close to actually going. I imagine it must be scary though. I've never actually attempted. I still hope to wait for my Dad to go first. I'm guessing you are using SN if you are fasting? I'm so sorry it has come to this.

It was great while it lasted. I felt happier, my mood lifted, I was no longer severely depressed. My psychiatrist had to keep upping the dose because I could no longer feel it working.

I like to tell others to give antidepressants a try, because if you find the right one and at the right dosage, it's great.

I was feeling less suicidal this afternoon but now after an interaction with the landlords, the urge has come back. I'll spend half of my fast sleeping, and see how I feel in the morning. I don't know whether I'll be able to overcome SI - last month I got to the stage of mixing but couldn't bring myself to drink it.