Venting finally addressing (c)ptsd

[leyl]

tw: csa

So, i'm finally seeing a therapist specialized in trauma management tomorrow.

I dont know exactly how to feel, like this thing has been haunting me since…for as long as i can remember. Literally.
I was sa'd very young, when memories start forming. It was a cousin which makes it so fricking complicated.
Hopefully, i managed to bury it within my memory for a few years and it definitely helped me. I mean it didn't last long enough as i remembered at 11. On the day of my birthday, all those memories came back and i've been in so much deep and distressing pain ever since.

I am haunted by him. His smell, his sound his touch and the vile things he did to the little child i was. She died within his arms and nothing could ever excuse such horror. I'm 19 now, but i am still stuck as that 4-5 year old. Feeling like i will never get out of that bed. Feeling like it's ongoing and i will never be saved. No matter how much i beg, how much i cry, how much i fight. Im frozen in that perpetual hell.

But i am glad i finally get a chance of addressing this core part of my story. Finding a way to navigate hopefully.
I don't expect tomorrow to suddenly change everything but i hope i can feel some relief.
But i am dying soon. I don't know how much progress we can make before that. Probably not a lot. Just enough time for 2-3 sessions maybe. But im too rotten to get that much better now.
I need to die.
I gave up. He won. He got it all. I don't want him to. I don't want it to hurt again. I don't want him to live. But im so tired.
just..to sleep for good i just thats all i ask…​

 

[Slough Walker]

Sorry if this comes off as a platitude, but it takes immense courage to face your traumas instead of burying them. I've started facing my traumas over the past few years, and it's the most difficult psychological battle of my life. Out of curiosity, how did you locate a therapist who specializes in trauma? Are there specific keywords you searched for online, or a website that helps to connect clients with trauma-informed therapists? Or did you get a referral?

 

[leyl]

Sorry if this comes off as a platitude, but it takes immense courage to face your traumas instead of burying them. I've started facing my traumas over the past few years, and it's the most difficult psychological battle of my life. Out of curiosity, how did you locate a therapist who specializes in trauma? Are there specific keywords you searched for online, or a website that helps to connect clients with trauma-informed therapists? Or did you get a referral?

I am lucky to have a psychiatrist who's located in a medical center. So he referred me to a therapist specialized in trauma who's also in that center. But i think you can also find them on google