Venting Final exams, desire for love, reincarnation and wanting to become a kawaii japanese lesbian idol. On top of all that suicidal thoughts.

[suicidal_tendencies]

Ok, so I just wanted to write down some things I'm struggling with right now.

1.
My final exams are going to take place in 3 weeks. I am pretty confident towards the english and german (the subject concerning my native language) exams.
Engineering will be tough but still managable, though in the practical examination, I got a 4 (I think similar to a D in english speaking countries).
However, the maths exam is going to be horrible. Since my suicidal thoughts started (last year November) I performed very poorly in my last two maths tests. In the the first I got a 4 and in the one I took 3 weeks ago I got a 4.5.
Now my average for the year dropped down to 4 and I'm not happy with it.
And as I said, the final exams are going to be soon and I am so underprepared that if I had to solve 1 task from the exam, I would get 0 points.
Maybe you think "That isn't so bad, because you still have time to prepare and the others in your grade are struggling too with maths isn't it?"
But that isn't the case, as even the one from whom I expected, that he wouldn't study at all, suddenly studies and takes it serious.
The reasons behind my lack of motivation for studying are, among others, that I didn't solve a single maths problem in 6 fucking months because of these suicidal thoughts. And this fact alone just reinforces the wish of wanting to die into my head. And because I didn't study for such a long time, it is extremely difficult to even try starting again.
It's okay, if someone says that an examination isn't a reason for wanting to die, like my best friend basically said once, when I brought up this topic. However you can't change my mind with writing something like "There are people who suffer more than you." or "Just study a little, and even if you get a bad grade, you'll still graduate."
The thing is, I don't even want to take the exams, let alone study for them (except english and german, that's ok).

2.
I want somebody to hug tight till the morning comes (anime ₙₒ, ₐ𝒸ₜᵤₐₗₗᵧ ᵢₜ'ₛ ₕₑₙₜₐᵢ reference, nevermind this).
No seriously, I want somebody to hug, kiss and love me. I talked a lot about my thoughts with friends and got some hugs from them, but I feel like I'm not satisfied with this. If I had a girl (or boy friend, yeah I also like boys but only one person), I wouldn't have the wish to die. Or, at least it wouldn't be so intense. And, I want to be lesbian which leads me to the

3rd
thing, and that is, wanting to be in another body. I am male, and I want to be a girl, but that is connected to a lot of work. It's gotten easier to be accepted as a trans in todays society, but the thing is, when I want to gender swap, I want to do it properly. That means, being born into a female body. Now it's getting a bit religious and philosophical, but I have kind of built my own religion. I will talk about this religion in detail in another post, but in short, I believe in reincarnation and that I can customise as what I want to be reborn, where on the world, how old, what family etc.
And that is also one of the reasons, I want to die. It's a comforting feeling, that I sense, when thinking about being reborn as a girl, having the opportunity to be lesbian and having a deep relationship with somebody. And I want to become a kawaii japanese idol and be good at singing and dancing.

That are some things, that are currently on my mind and that are driving me towards ctb as an exit. Sorry, for it becoming slightly off-topic the last bunch of lines. Thank you however for reading and until next time.

 

[getoutgirl]

Hi

Exams are very stressful. That's a fact. Won't say it is the best reason to die, but won't deny it can be a cause for it or reinforce those thoughts, which are very real regardless of origin.
I get the feeling of not wanting to even do them. I've done so myself. Your mind prefers to not do the thing at all rather than fail at it. That's also part of the reason behind procrastination. I don't think I've ever Not crammed whole year's worth of study the week or so prior to the final exam. But I only really regret the ones I didn't even do. So yeah being suicidal does not help concentrate at all, even harder to start doing so, I feel that and you are right in all that, not gonna minimize what going through it feels like.
I hope you can do the best under those circumnstances is all. You do have time, of little use if you can't use it, sure, but try to think as little of suicide as posible if you want to concentrate. Shoot the thought midsentence, just as it steps a foot in your brain, don't even let it finish. It repressing and it solves nothing deep down but it can allow for concentration at least for these exams. That's what I did and it worked half the time but that's twice the time I got to spend studying. So there is that, if that helps cool, in any case good luck

And as for that last bit on your self made religion, honestly it worries me a little. I get all that you describe, I just don't think it's a good or healthy way about that if I'm honest. rando opinion. But sure let me know when you do that future post in detail, I'd be interested.

Until then all the best <3

 

[suicidal_tendencies]

Hi

Exams are very stressful. That's a fact. Won't say it is the best reason to die, but won't deny it can be a cause for it or reinforce those thoughts, which are very real regardless of origin.
I get the feeling of not wanting to even do them. I've done so myself. Your mind prefers to not do the thing at all rather than fail at it. That's also part of the reason behind procrastination. I don't think I've ever Not crammed whole year's worth of study the week or so prior to the final exam. But I only really regret the ones I didn't even do. So yeah being suicidal does not help concentrate at all, even harder to start doing so, I feel that and you are right in all that, not gonna minimize what going through it feels like.
I hope you can do the best under those circumnstances is all. You do have time, of little use if you can't use it, sure, but try to think as little of suicide as posible if you want to concentrate. Shoot the thought midsentence, just as it steps a foot in your brain, don't even let it finish. It repressing and it solves nothing deep down but it can allow for concentration at least for these exams. That's what I did and it worked half the time but that's twice the time I got to spend studying. So there is that, if that helps cool, in any case good luck

And as for that last bit on your self made religion, honestly it worries me a little. I get all that you describe, I just don't think it's a good or healthy way about that if I'm honest. rando opinion. But sure let me know when you do that future post in detail, I'd be interested.

Until then all the best <3

Thank you for the reply. I'll write that post during next week.
The advice with pushing away the thoughts to concentrate is a good advice, however I still want to die before the exams and I just can't decide. Today I was at the spot I want to jump off, but I couldn't bring myself to climb the ladder and it is still rainy now, which means it wouldn't have been safe. Now I am home, ready to go to sleep and having another week before me, where I can think about possible solutions to my problem. And yeah, my religion isn't really healthy. It's like weebs thinking about being able to touch and talk with anime girls when they are dead. There is a meme about this I found on reddit, maybe I can find it.

 

[FoxSauce]

Damn im so sorry, you have to feel that way

If i may ask i understand if you rather not disclose which religion are you?

 

[suicidal_tendencies]

Damn im so sorry, you have to feel that way

If i may ask i understand if you rather not disclose which religion are you?

a long time I said to other people, that I don't belong with any religion, which was kind of the case.
Where I live, christianity is a widespread religion and 90% from my class partake in the religious teachings subject, which our school provides. There they learn more about christianity.
I, however, am in the ethics class, where it's more about philosophy and ethical principles. So over the years I kind of built my own religion, like I said in the long text. This religion is kind of my ideal idea of what comes after death. I'll tell about in in another post ^_^

 

[Holu]

I lost my two trans best friends to suicide. Maybe am speaking out of emotion but I don't really see the social acceptance of trans people as improving that much. Especially in the US where I'm at, the right literally won the election while campaigning on taking away all trans rights.

But I am glad that you do feel more accepted. I don't really know the first thing about what it's like to be trans, but know I appreciate and adore the fighters that trans people are. Am sorry you are suffering, you don't deserve it in the slightest.

Also, I'm guessing ur not America cuz my exams are in 5 weeks lol. GL though, I'm sure you will do great!

Also kinda cliche but here is my blahaj! He follow me everywhere

 

[endlessmelancholy]

If everyone could customize how they are reborn then no one will face such problems. I think you have to introspect on your religion a little.

 

[Pale_Rider]

I have the book of the ninja. As you were.

 

[skyfall]

Aww your avatar! Yuri chan! Yuri is my waifu

 

[bankai]

I hope we eventually move away from religion. It's such an outdated concept. If you tell a good man to do evil. He'll do it. You just have to write it in a book. Then say that that book was handed over to us by...nvm.Last time I made a similar post to this I was reported.

I hope you stick with what makes you happy, Op.When the time comes, abandon the things that made you miserable.

Since you're young, you may just have to play the part of an obedient child for now. Later you can choose for yourself.

 

[suicidal_tendencies]

I lost my two trans best friends to suicide. Maybe am speaking out of emotion but I don't really see the social acceptance of trans people as improving that much. Especially in the US where I'm at, the right literally won the election while campaigning on taking away all trans rights.

But I am glad that you do feel more accepted. I don't really know the first thing about what it's like to be trans, but know I appreciate and adore the fighters that trans people are. Am sorry you are suffering, you don't deserve it in the slightest.

Also, I'm guessing ur not America cuz my exams are in 5 weeks lol. GL though, I'm sure you will do great!

Also kinda cliche but here is my blahaj! He follow me everywhere

View attachment 166063

Hi, thanks for your kind reply. Maybe I expressed myself unclear, but actually I am not transgender. Like, I want to switch my gender, but through reincarnation. I still sometimes think about how I could switch gender in this life, but I usually I stop, when thinking about having to go through a surgery to achieve a proper gender swap in this life. I don't like surgeries, so this method isn't an option. That's why I want to die and then do a custom respawn like in Minecraft XD
Your Blahaj is very kawaii btw ^_^

If everyone could customize how they are reborn then no one will face such problems. I think you have to introspect on your religion a little.

I actually believe, that everyone has his own thing, what happens after death. So if you believe, that you visit heaven, for example, when you are dead, then this is what will happen. I thought it like this, because I want to have my own ideal afterlife and, for the most part, I don't really care about where my friends and family are when they die one day. The main thing is, that they are happy with their existence after death. But thanks for pointing out ^_^

Aww your avatar! Yuri chan! Yuri is my waifu

Nice, that there are so many ddlc players in this forum ^_^
Yuri is really a great character. Very elaborate character design, things to relate with (she wants to ctb too :) and a (in my opinion) really realistic death scene in terms of emotions. You can really feel the death lingering in the air as you do nothing but stare at the slowly decaying corpse. It's a kind of emptiness filling your entire body.
So yeah, I really like Yuri too, but I wouldn't think of her as my waifu, not yet ^_^

I hope we eventually move away from religion. It's such an outdated concept. If you tell a good man to do evil. He'll do it. You just have to write it in a book. Then say that that book was handed over to us by...nvm.Last time I made a similar post to this I was reported.

I hope you stick with what makes you happy, Op.When the time comes, abandon the things that made you miserable.

Since you're young, you may just have to play the part of an obedient child for now. Later you can choose for yourself.

I agree with religion being a really old concept. However, I still think, it's there for a good reason, as some people literally need it to survive. Of course, at todays age we won't have to deal with mammoths and sabre-tooth tigers, but it still gives hope to a lot of people. It's ok, that you have this opinion and I'm of course not going to judge you by it, but where I live, there are some people, when you say something like this, who either make a whole discussion out of it and try to persuade you into believing in god and jesus, or there are the people who say "he's an atheist", which isn't correct, if you just don't believe in god. I had this experience when I was in 7th grade and I didn't even know what atheism means, so they just continued to say so, as I didn't have any counter-arguments. In germany (where I live lol), especially in Baden Württemberg (a Bundesland in the south of germany), literally around 80% are christians. Which itself isn't a bad thing, it's just, that most of the time you are being given a weird look, when not saying you are christian. Sometimes I said, that I believe in god, just that I can continue with whatever I was doing without having to be tried to persuade in believing in christianity for too long.
Btw, today I wanted to access ss like usual in class, just to find out, that it's being blocked completely by the school. Before, I could just type in the url in some website unblocking website, now not even this works anymore. Error 403 access forbidden or something. Can someone help?
And, I thought long about whether I should post it or not and I decided against making a post regarding my religion. It's too private for everyone to see and I just don't want people I don't know to know too much about it. I didn't even told my friends about it, so it really is a private thing, that I don't want to freely share at the moment.