Feeling suicidal again after believing I got over it -- a rant

[Hecubaa]

I have had a rough couple of weeks and just need to rant. This post is going to be all over the place. I almost got fired last night(I'm a bartender). I might still be getting fired, not sure. I have been a terrible employee recently due to all my mental health issues and my coworkers don't like me at this point because they've had to help me when I should have been able to finish all my tasks by myself. If I lose this job I will not be able to provide for myself or my pets (who are the main reason I still want to live and get better.)

Someone I know from middle school has CTBed last week. I talked to him about it back in December when he first posted a goodbye video. I promised myself I'd keep checking on him but I didn't end up doing it because of all the stuff in my own life. I know I wouldn't have changed anything and maybe CTBing was really the only way for him to stop suffering, but I still regret not talking to him more. When I found out he CTBed it made me reconsider my own feelings towards it and I genuinely thought I was not going to allow myself to slip back into suicidal thoughts yet here I am. It's hitting even harder this time because I was taken on an involuntary hold a few weeks ago and it was humiliating and traumatizing so now I don't feel safe talking to people in my life about how I feel because I fear it happening again. Mind you, I do not have health insurance so now I have a huge bill for a hospital visit I did not need, request, or consent to and that had a terrible impact on my already damaged mental state.

Anyway, as I have said, this is a rant going in all sorts of random directions. I live by the ocean and I don't know how to swim, which makes me fantasize about drowning, although I know it is a miserably painful way to go. Ideally, I'd go for fent or N but I have no clue how to get them (ironically, I have witnessed someone OD on fent-laced uppers yet I still don't know how to get it.)

 

[SweetItalianS]

I have had a rough couple of weeks and just need to rant. This post is going to be all over the place. I almost got fired last night(I'm a bartender). I might still be getting fired, not sure. I have been a terrible employee recently due to all my mental health issues and my coworkers don't like me at this point because they've had to help me when I should have been able to finish all my tasks by myself. If I lose this job I will not be able to provide for myself or my pets (who are the main reason I still want to live and get better.)

Someone I know from middle school has CTBed last week. I talked to him about it back in December when he first posted a goodbye video. I promised myself I'd keep checking on him but I didn't end up doing it because of all the stuff in my own life. I know I wouldn't have changed anything and maybe CTBing was really the only way for him to stop suffering, but I still regret not talking to him more. When I found out he CTBed it made me reconsider my own feelings towards it and I genuinely thought I was not going to allow myself to slip back into suicidal thoughts yet here I am. It's hitting even harder this time because I was taken on an involuntary hold a few weeks ago and it was humiliating and traumatizing so now I don't feel safe talking to people in my life about how I feel because I fear it happening again. Mind you, I do not have health insurance so now I have a huge bill for a hospital visit I did not need, request, or consent to and that had a terrible impact on my already damaged mental state.

Anyway, as I have said, this is a rant going in all sorts of random directions. I live by the ocean and I don't know how to swim, which makes me fantasize about drowning, although I know it is a miserably painful way to go. Ideally, I'd go for fent or N but I have no clue how to get them (ironically, I have witnessed someone OD on fent-laced uppers yet I still don't know how to get it.)

Hey Hecubaa, sorry to hear that your friend ctb-ed, it is heartbreaking seeing people you know and love going down that way, but maybe now he is in a better place - please don't feel responsible for that - we all have free will and decide what to do ourselves. You clearly weren't in the correct mental state to be helping him.

First of all about your job - even if you will get fired you can still get a different one, even if it will take time or be hard to do - mcDonald's/gas stations/grocery shops are always hiring, you can get a different one.

Second of all there are ways to relieve the medical debt - try contacting the hospital and telling them about your financial situation they will help you find ways to pay less or at least find a plan that will fit your budget, ask them for discounts/assistance programms, don't just face pay the bill that you can't afford.

Third of all look for ways to manage your anxiety, you still haven't lost the job but already accepted it, talk with your boss about it ask for the ways to redeem yourself etc. Don't accept defeat before going into the battle.

Sorry for being all over the place, but I hope I gave some useful advice, good luck!

 

[Tombs_in_your_eyes]

Second of all there are ways to relieve the medical debt - try contacting the hospital and telling them about your financial situation they will help you find ways to pay less or at least find a plan that will fit your budget, ask them for discounts/assistance programms, don't just face pay the bill that you can't afford.

This is good advice on medical debt - another tip I've heard is to ask them to itemise the bill (if they haven't already done so). This often leads to a reduction in the total amount they charge you.

You've been through a heck of a lot in such a short space of time - I'm really sorry.