ilistentoradiohead
Member
- Aug 27, 2023
- 17
I think a year ago I also wrote something about wanting to end everything and harming myself. I'm back here again and I wanna say that I still want to harm and kill myself. It's fucking insane.
It's just that life has been a little bit more tolerable although it's fucking shitty. I got a boyfriend and I'm happy with that, but I'm afraid this 'happiness' wouldn't last long and I would go back to completely isolating myself from everything and everyone. I don't want that to happen. I feel so fucking exhausted everyday and it's like nothing is letting me breathe. I just want to escape, but all the things I thought of doing as a coping mechanism are all bad coping mechanisms. Like hell, it got even worse even. I don't know why am I always like this. I feel so guilty for feeling like this, but I can't help it. There's always something budging in the back of my mind although nothing ever really happened for me to be budged about. I don't know. Like at this point I really am going to CTB unlike all my stupid previous attempts.
And I know my boyfriend loves me, he chose to be with me, but at the same time I can't shake off the feeling that he hates me and finds me boring whenever we talk. We didn't talk as much like we did during my summer break because everything has been so hectic for me, but sometimes I think that maybe we have been talking less constantly because I'm boring and annoying and he doesn't want to talk to me anymore? I don't want that to happen.
I have no idea what am I saying lol, I'm just venting everything here because I don't want to bother anyone with this. I feel so lonely it's making me sick.
It's just that life has been a little bit more tolerable although it's fucking shitty. I got a boyfriend and I'm happy with that, but I'm afraid this 'happiness' wouldn't last long and I would go back to completely isolating myself from everything and everyone. I don't want that to happen. I feel so fucking exhausted everyday and it's like nothing is letting me breathe. I just want to escape, but all the things I thought of doing as a coping mechanism are all bad coping mechanisms. Like hell, it got even worse even. I don't know why am I always like this. I feel so guilty for feeling like this, but I can't help it. There's always something budging in the back of my mind although nothing ever really happened for me to be budged about. I don't know. Like at this point I really am going to CTB unlike all my stupid previous attempts.
And I know my boyfriend loves me, he chose to be with me, but at the same time I can't shake off the feeling that he hates me and finds me boring whenever we talk. We didn't talk as much like we did during my summer break because everything has been so hectic for me, but sometimes I think that maybe we have been talking less constantly because I'm boring and annoying and he doesn't want to talk to me anymore? I don't want that to happen.
I have no idea what am I saying lol, I'm just venting everything here because I don't want to bother anyone with this. I feel so lonely it's making me sick.
