feeling hopeless

[toro]

over a lot of things really, ive not been on here in a while because my family got suspicious and worried, i didnt wanna risk them checking anything lol.

i really hate knowing that for the rest of my life, i have to depend on medication to be normal, i understand that it helps, and i dont encourage people to go off of it without speaking to a doctor, but im a complete hypocrite and i havent taken my meds in almost 2 weeks, ive been looking at kits and im starting to save up now so i can buy one.

i feel really really pointless, i know i cant kill myself until october next year at the latest, because my whole family has stuff theyre really looking forward to and i dont wanna be the party pooper that kills themself and spoils the fun HAHAHA, but its so depressing knowing that in real life i have genuinely no friends, all i do is work and sleep, i have no social life whatsoever and the only people i can talk to are over the internet and even then, i make a big effort to hide my identity from them because we met and bonded over something im not willing to put my real name and face to lol. ive never had a serious boyfriend or girlfriend or anything, which is so pathetic to be this hung up about, but everyone else i know is dating or even engaged (we are all 18, i know im objectively way too young to be thinking about marraige but holy shit it makes me feel like im lagging behind lol), i want to experience love atleast once, ive never even been kissed or anything so its like triple embarrassing, my cousin found out at xmas last year and lost their shit about it which did Not help HAHA.

i dont think im horribly unattractive, i dont think im pretty, but ive had guys flirt with me both irl and online, but that just kind of makes me more embarrassed about the fact im too awkward to maintain or make anything of that, i dont really know how to flirt and i just word vomit everything im thinking ever which makes conversations accidentally onesided HAHAHA.

sorry for the big long silly post, tldr im a big loser and im being dramatic about killing myself over it if you have any Leopard Seal facts please share, theyre my favourite animal :)

 

[stoopid]

Life sucks, I don't have any specific facts or something but I understand you, I just don't understand why you would wait that time, I can kinda relate because I don't have a bond with my family, so i don't count them as "reasons not to", you're concerned about their goals? It's your suffering and your life, you should focus more on what you want. Some people are interested in increasing your suffering, you shouldn't reward them for that.

 

[toro]

Life sucks, I don't have any specific facts or something but I understand you, I just don't understand why you would wait that time, I can kinda relate because I don't have a bond with my family, so i don't count them as "reasons not to", you're concerned about their goals? It's your suffering and your life, you should focus more on what you want. Some people are interested in increasing your suffering, you shouldn't reward them for that.

i understand what you mean, but i adore my family personally, my mum wants me to improve and so does my dad, my main concern though is my little brother.

im really worried about possibly traumatising him, kids are really really easy to fuck up, and i imagine his big sister dying wouldnt be that great on his mental state, i might be able to talk myself into CTB regardless of family if it wasnt for him, but hes my baby and i cant allow myself to do that to him, october next year is just a hopeful goal, after his bday and not on xmas, not ruining any major holidays besides maybe halloween (but then he can make fucked up dead sister ghost jokes once hes old enough to have processed it lol). jokes aside hes the main reason im struggling with it so much, hes not old enough to be able to handle it rationally, but also not young enough to be able to just Not Remember having a sister, hes at that age where he knows what suicide is, knows that im on watch by my family (hes a nosey little shit), but is still not mature enough to properly process grief (he still cries about a goldfish we had when he was 4, hes my big crybaby)

this turned into a ramble about my little brother, sorry!!

 

[stoopid]

It's all good, chill

I'm not sure how your real views are on an exit, so I try to be sensible, I would ask him, if it would be my brother if he's happy with his life or if he wanna come to the other side.

Life is a endless cycle of suffering, it doesn't matter when or how you go. One day even without suicide you'll die. He will suffer, no matter what, but you're in charge right now. If I imagine myself dead I glow with happiness, but I know not everyone understands that's why I said I try to be careful with my words, in my head it's a gift to go, and hell to stay in.

You should be 100% sure, whatever your choice is

 

[toro]

It's all good, chill

I'm not sure how your real views are on an exit, so I try to be sensible, I would ask him, if it would be my brother if he's happy with his life or if he wanna come to the other side.

Life is a endless cycle of suffering, it doesn't matter when or how you go. One day even without suicide you'll die. He will suffer, no matter what, but you're in charge right now. If I imagine myself dead I glow with happiness, but I know not everyone understands that's why I said I try to be careful with my words, in my head it's a gift to go, and hell to stay in.

You should be 100% sure, whatever your choice is

i agree, i want to be 100% sure before i do anything at all to take steps toward it. i dont think id ask my brother, hes too young to make that decision and (as selfish as it is), i would never want him to die regardless of the situation. my ideal scenario is to just be murdered, that way its out of my hands and my family dont have to go through blaming themselves, but thats also a little too scary HAHA. im a very indecisive person, i have a lot more i wanna do before im gone, so ill hold off longer, thank you for your replies :)

 

[stoopid]

You're so strong what comes to your mind feel free to share your thoughts

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be hard to deal with knowing that you will be leaving others behind, I could never exist only for the sake of others but I believe that it can be a difficult situation to be in for many, when they wish to be gone yet they struggle with the thought of leaving other people behind. I guess the reality is that there really is no real relief from suffering in this cruel world but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Lavander 230]

What kind of meds are you taking? What's your mental issue? Not judging you, only curious.

 

[toro]

What kind of meds are you taking? What's your mental issue? Not judging you, only curious.

antidepressants + anti anxiety lol, i have a few issues but the whole depression thing has the biggest grip (unless my autism counts too LMFAOOO)

 

[Lavander 230]

antidepressants + anti anxiety lol, i have a few issues but the whole depression thing has the biggest grip (unless my autism counts too LMFAOOO)

what exactly were you diagnosed of? What kind of depression? (there are several types)

 

[toro]

what exactly were you diagnosed of?

same as i got the meds for, can i ask why? not being rude, just curious about its relevance

 

[TheTranstarEngineer]

my main concern though is my little brother.

Feel that man, I can barely even start to think about how mine will take it when I go without loosing it.

 

[Lavander 230]

same as i got the meds for, can i ask why? not being rude, just curious about its relevance

Because I doubt pills work especially on mental illnesses most of the time, so I wanted to make sure what you have.

 

[toro]

Because I doubt pills work especially on mental illnesses most of the time, so I wanted to make sure what you have.

its tough, the anti depressants worked for me personally, but they also turned me into this apathetic, sexless weirdo, killed my libido and personality, so yeah it made me less depressed, but it also made me less of a person in general LOL

 

[Lavander 230]

its tough, the anti depressants worked for me personally, but they also turned me into this apathetic, sexless weirdo, killed my libido and personality, so yeah it made me less depressed, but it also made me less of a person in general LOL

ouch... Don't use that stuff then. In many cases pills do more harm than than good, I don't know why sometimes they even get approved.