GutsyCat67
New Member
- Aug 2, 2024
- 1
To know that one day I could just up and end it all only being remembered by the good things I "am". Man innaction is so underrated. Everyday I struggle with thoughts of suicide thoughts of intense jealousy at those my age who get to live the life I've dreamed about. I want to be admired and loved sooooo bad. I hate bringing that up to anyone because it sounds so vain but it's true in my support group I don't want to participate I hate them I feel so out of place there. Everyone dealing with real losses and real problems meanwhile I spend most days just rotting away playing video games. I left work unexpectedly hoping, praying that someone would reach out to me to make sure I was ok but nope it's just me. I don't really know how to feel about my one friend who keeps trying to reach out to me one small part of me wants to hang out and be together like the good old days but at the same time I don't want to leave my little place of comfort . If I don't have to I don't want to. It's so hard to explain the way I feel to others, I feel so much shame and regret maybe trying to fix myself would help but I'm just so sick of trying everything and it just falling through. I don't get why my sister keeps asking me "if I want to get better?" I mean I do but I just can't. The barrier to even start fixing myself is so high compared to where i am that it's just so much easier to ctb and have that bring me comfort. I didn't ask to be in this world and as an adult I feeel I should be able to decide when I want out. I wish I could give my life to someone who truly deserves it. I wish in another world i could be happy and instead of writing this I would be having a nice lunch with my group of friends while we ride around playing uzi and carti. And I would go home to visit my gf and we would cuddle together while i watch her play re4.
