Feel like I'm a zombie more and more

[Plentiful_Despair]

I feel like this body should not be alive, it feels so wrong. My mind also feels more dead every day and I'm extremely lethargic. I can't even think in normal speed anymore, everything feels like slow motion which increases the suffering even more. I feel like I SHOULD have died many years ago, at least 5 years, and this current experience is basically just a prolonged death before I can finally be free

Anybody else feel same?

 

[Life'sA6itch]

I'm sure there are lots of people here who feel the same, I know I do. I had an unexpected surgery last week, I was in a lot of pain but am so allergic to even numbing meds, they had to put me all the way under. I was really hoping something would go wrong and I would not wake up. I am here and not at all happy to be. I've actually tried to CTB 3 times now, the first was on the night of my 13th birthday. I am tired, lethargic and have nothing to be here for. Couldn't the Dr.'s just have one off day? I just want lights out after a life of being beaten down. This cannot be too much to ask, I would trade places to help someone live if I could.

 

[SpeckofDust]

Yes, I am experiencing similar. It's hellish. I'm sad for all who feel this way.

 

[heavyeyes]

I feel the same. It's miserable

 

[sovcat]

Yes. I get the feeling that I should've died a long time ago too. I already knew my life was over due to certain life circumstances and I've just been on survival-mode and going through the motions since, delaying the inevitable it seems.

More recently I've been getting coincidental signs. I don't know if it's confirmation bias or random schizophrenia, but it's like the universe is trying to call me home. "Well, why don't you kill me instead of having me commit a difficult and violent act upon myself?" is what I respond back with. Crickets in response.

What I've been getting through various coincidences is the idea that "It's not death, it's a homecoming" and a specific color associated with that quote. Seems crazy, but that's what has been going on for the past year.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also feel like I should have ceased existing a while ago, I've suffered for far too long but really I wish I never suffered at all, I truly was never meant to suffer in this cruel, futile existence, my existence really does feel like nothing but suffering.