Story Farewell! [My goodbye thread]

[wren-briar]

Thank you so much for the update!

acting like i'm a ghost once again, but I guess it's better than nothing. At least I dont hear any screams or anything right now, and I'm being left alone at peace, so I guess it's not too bad.

In my parents' house, while the silence could definitely be intimidating, it was so much better than the screaming, the yelling, the fingernails drawing blood from our cheeks, the hand around our necks, objects flung... Yeah, I'm just going to stop there. Intimidating silence was so much more desirable over so many other states when I was growing up. Honestly, the only state that was more desireable, that happened with any degree of frequency, was my dad not even being in the house.

I also finally got some food after over a whole day of fasting

What did you feast upon?

also drank water after around like 20 hours?

Definitely make sure to get and stay hydrated.

must have been the same entity that has told me to call the police. I don't think I called the police by myself, but rather someone in my head or something just told me that I have to do it now or else the loop will begin to reconstruct even stronger than ever.

What I'm picking up on may just be linguistic differences, but when you finally get to talk with a proper therapist (hopefully really, really soon ) you should describe this other entity in your head and let the therapist know about the loop that you're experiencing.

I'm hoping that this peace I'm at right now lasts as long as possible.

I'm hoping for the same thing, and, in addition, I'm also hoping that you see some actionable results from your report to the authorities really, really soon!

Now off with ya youngin'; go enjoy the quiet and the peace!

(Just don't forget to drop us updates. We really do want to know how you're doing, good, bad, or otherwise!)

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

Thank you so much for the update!



In my parents' house, while the silence could definitely be intimidating, it was so much better than the screaming, the yelling, the fingernails drawing blood from our cheeks, the hand around our necks, objects flung... Yeah, I'm just going to stop there. Intimidating silence was so much more desirable over so many other states when I was growing up. Honestly, the only state that was more desireable, that happened with any degree of frequency, was my dad not even being in the house.



What did you feast upon?



Definitely make sure to get and stay hydrated.



What I'm picking up on may just be linguistic differences, but when you finally get to talk with a proper therapist (hopefully really, really soon ) you should describe this other entity in your head and let the therapist know about the loop that you're experiencing.



I'm hoping for the same thing, and, in addition, I'm also hoping that you see some actionable results from your report to the authorities really, really soon!

Now off with ya youngin'; go enjoy the quiet and the peace!

(Just don't forget to drop us updates. We really do want to know how you're doing, good, bad, or otherwise!)

My dad came into my room just a couple moments ago. He's mad at me for calling the police. I guess he still cannot admit that he is alcoholic, not to mention that he is probably under alcohol today too, as his voice was weird and he was breathing the same way he does while under alcohol. Either way, he told me that I "showed off", which is a very bad word to use. He also said that he is ashamed, but for me. Yeah, its like its my fault. Idk what to say. Im mixed inside, no matter how many times we tell him to stop drinkinf, he just wont admit that he drinks and its us that find all the bottles of alcohol and shit.

 

[Goosechan]

Either way, he told me that I "showed off", which is a very bad word to use

Thanks for keeping us updated, we're feeling with you! Please don't take your father's words to heart. Like you said, he might even be under influence and he's clearly feeling threatened and angry. Not a great place to start from when speaking truth. As far as I'm concerned you're not showing off or airing your families dirty laundry by informing the police, you're standing up for yourself And you're trying to break a negative cycle of circumstances, or the loop as you call them.

My parents used to drink a lot too when I lived at home and they always told me the meanest and cruelest things when they were drunk. To them they were forgotten once they sobered up, but to me those words still ring in my ears a dozen years later. And of course they didn't wanna listen when I told them to mind their alcoholic consumption! I'm really sorry you're also going through something like that.

It really would be best in the police or some other organisation would help you to (at least temporarily) live somewhere other than your parents. I'm sure you would flourish away from their fighting and alcoholism!

Now off with ya youngin'; go enjoy the quiet and the peace!

You're really giving the best overseas uncle vibes here, nailing it!

 

[wren-briar]

You're really giving the best overseas uncle vibes here, nailing it!

Oh, shucks!

---

to me those words still ring in my ears a dozen years later.

---

@Goosechan has hit all the important bits!

We really want to see you somewhere safe, as soon as possible, even though it will likely be temporary. But ultimately, we really want you to be in safe and stable environment on your own, somewhere where you can actually flourish! ("Flourish" really is the perfect word, Goosechan!)

You are absolutely doing the things that you can, and should do, to "break a negative cycle of circumstances, or the loop as you call them."

You are absolutely not responsible for any perceived, negative consequences of standing up for yourself against abusive and alcoholic parents!

I'm not one to throw around "it will get better" platitudes, but in your case -and through no fault of your own- you're currently in a crappy situation, but despite that, you're doing what you need to do to get to a better place.

No one can guarantee that your situation will get better, but I'm sure as heck placing my bets on it!

And, fwiw, the grit and strength that you're using to improve your situation (heck, even the undeserved patience and empathy that you've shown your parents), well they'll all serve you well in many other challenges that life will throw at you!

 

[itswhatits]

I'm really glad to hear you have a way forward! I think you can make it out of this. You owe it to yourself, and to everyone your life will touch.

idk what to say. Im mixed inside, no matter how many times we tell him to stop drinkinf, he just wont admit that he drinks and its us that find all the bottles of alcohol and shit.

Unfortunately, there's not really anything you can say to make him face his own issues. His fight with alcohol is his own, and though others could help him, nobody can if he won't even admit to his struggles. It's sad, and unfair, but you can't face his demons for him.

 

[BlurredOne]

OP, I waited a whole day for my account to be set up in order to write to you here. Failed once due to a too short reason for account creation.. my bad.

I hope you'll find your way no matter in your life or out of it; as long as it brings you happiness and is not torturing on its own. Your struggles of today alone are... gosh...

What you've written so far shook me intensely because your story is just a stronger version of my own as it was/is. I am simply enraged getting to see again how inefficient and indifferent people and institutions can be in Poland (like the school reaction to your problems). I won't even mention the blindness of so-called families to the aftermaths of their own actions. When I was in my 18s (9y ago) I had a toxic coping mechanism based on pure dissociation - nothing unusual here I imagine. The backlash came a few years later when I was struggling to cut ties with my 'family'. I've found barely enough pinch of luck to not attempt ctb myself.. at least for now. SSRIs and psychotherapy are a must for me right now. The last puzzle was a.s.h. archive. Reading it finally allowed me to understand that many other people consider life's value as a relative thing and not some absolute. That's why I sometimes enter sanctioned suicide and how I stumbled upon your thread.

The compulsory schooling in Poland ends definitively for anyone after their 18th birthday. This means that you can potentially resign on your own from your current school and look for a different place to start anew (be it another high school or not). From what you've written so far I understand that your parents actively chain you to themselves and their toxic way of living. There's a high chance that there are institutions in our country which help young adults in such situations rather than just downplaying the whole situation in order to preserve "family normalcy".

We can talk however you want. I live in Toruń right now and if you feel unsafe in your home (physically or mentally) you can stay at my place for as long as you need. I just can't imagine allowing such stories to propagate into the future and affect innocent people like you. I'm totally financially okay with helping you. We can arrange some good therapist in your town or in Toruń, I can pay for it and your parents won't know a shit. At the very best you will have time and space to decide what to do with your future. At the very least I'll help you fetch up some meto and give you my electronic scale. (<- I'm sincerely sorry for overstepping the Forum Rules here)

We can talk here for you and others to be sure that I have no bad intentions. I can PM you my phone number if you want. Especially if you'll want some help with psychotherapy you can just give the therapist my number so that I could pay her/him. And know that I really, honestly keep the door open for you if you feel undafe at home and don't know where to go.

 

[Goosechan]

@BlurredOne
While it's really touching that OPs story has moved you so much that you wanted to reply and share yournown experience and honestly some good tips (about being able to change schools as OP is assumed 18 as per use agreements of the forum) I also find some of your offers of help not in line with the DO NOTs from the Rules section of this forum, namely:

• Sell, purchase, offer, gift, or request products, materials, or money.
  • We don't allow any transaction or offer for transactions whatsoever on the forum. This website is not a marketplace.

Keep in mind I am not a mod and I am not interested in reporting your seemingly good intentions for unfamiliarity with the full rules. I'm just recognising that OP is in a vulnerable position here and I am watching out for them. So while it might be nice for OP to talk to someone local about their struggles, do not and especially not unprompted and without a prior base of trust offer them your personal details, shelter or money and also explicitly do not offer them goods or services to CTB.

 

[BlurredOne]

@BlurredOne
While it's really touching that OPs story has moved you so much that you wanted to reply and share yournown experience and honestly some good tips (about being able to change schools as OP is assumed 18 as per use agreements of the forum) I also find some of your offers of help not in line with the DO NOTs from the Rules section of this forum, namely:

• Sell, purchase, offer, gift, or request products, materials, or money.
  • We don't allow any transaction or offer for transactions whatsoever on the forum. This website is not a marketplace.

Keep in mind I am not a mod and I am not interested in reporting your seemingly good intentions for unfamiliarity with the full rules. I'm just recognising that OP is in a vulnerable position here and I am watching out for them. So while it might be nice for OP to talk to someone local about their struggles, do not and especially not unprompted and without a prior base of trust offer them your personal details, shelter or money and also explicitly do not offer them goods or services to CTB.

Thank you very much for your aptitude, @Goosechan. Especially so since that I stand here in a position of a highly suspicious individual considering the extent of my post, full anonymity and myself being a "newborn" on the forum. Thank you for your vigilance (not ending here, I hope). I've made a point to thoroughly read the S.S. Rules a few months ago when I started to read the forum as a guest. I admit to have unintentionally overstepped those boundaries by suggesting in one sentence that I can help with meto and/or electronic scale. I believe however that the rest of my post lies within those boundaries: help with finding shelter or psychotherapy does not seem to suggest any kind of abuse of a perrson's vulnerable situation and lies in the spirit of pro-choice which - besides obvious anti-manipulative reasons - is also a core of this rule (not to mention potential forum-wide problems regarding cooperation with ctb). Nor are they a direct "material/product/money" case.

I do not intend to harm our community as a result of my actions. At the same time, @GalacticWarrior777, I uphold my offer to help to the extent allowed by the Rules of S.S.

As a sidenote: this misshap of mine is perfect example of why being on open forum is important, especially in such cases. On the other hand I don't want to derail such a personal thread so I'm open to moving this conversation to administration if you feel, @Goosechan, that I still abuse the rules.

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

I'm really glad to hear you have a way forward! I think you can make it out of this. You owe it to yourself, and to everyone your life will touch.


Unfortunately, there's not really anything you can say to make him face his own issues. His fight with alcohol is his own, and though others could help him, nobody can if he won't even admit to his struggles. It's sad, and unfair, but you can't face his demons for him.

I sadly know it. I know multiple people who have fought alcoholism before, and many have of them have lost the fight.

OP, I waited a whole day for my account to be set up in order to write to you here. Failed once due to a too short reason for account creation.. my bad.

I hope you'll find your way no matter in your life or out of it; as long as it brings you happiness and is not torturing on its own. Your struggles of today alone are... gosh...

What you've written so far shook me intensely because your story is just a stronger version of my own as it was/is. I am simply enraged getting to see again how inefficient and indifferent people and institutions can be in Poland (like the school reaction to your problems). I won't even mention the blindness of so-called families to the aftermaths of their own actions. When I was in my 18s (9y ago) I had a toxic coping mechanism based on pure dissociation - nothing unusual here I imagine. The backlash came a few years later when I was struggling to cut ties with my 'family'. I've found barely enough pinch of luck to not attempt ctb myself.. at least for now. SSRIs and psychotherapy are a must for me right now. The last puzzle was a.s.h. archive. Reading it finally allowed me to understand that many other people consider life's value as a relative thing and not some absolute. That's why I sometimes enter sanctioned suicide and how I stumbled upon your thread.

The compulsory schooling in Poland ends definitively for anyone after their 18th birthday. This means that you can potentially resign on your own from your current school and look for a different place to start anew (be it another high school or not). From what you've written so far I understand that your parents actively chain you to themselves and their toxic way of living. There's a high chance that there are institutions in our country which help young adults in such situations rather than just downplaying the whole situation in order to preserve "family normalcy".

We can talk however you want. I live in Toruń right now and if you feel unsafe in your home (physically or mentally) you can stay at my place for as long as you need. I just can't imagine allowing such stories to propagate into the future and affect innocent people like you. I'm totally financially okay with helping you. We can arrange some good therapist in your town or in Toruń, I can pay for it and your parents won't know a shit. At the very best you will have time and space to decide what to do with your future. At the very least I'll help you fetch up some meto and give you my electronic scale. (<- I'm sincerely sorry for overstepping the Forum Rules here)

We can talk here for you and others to be sure that I have no bad intentions. I can PM you my phone number if you want. Especially if you'll want some help with psychotherapy you can just give the therapist my number so that I could pay her/him. And know that I really, honestly keep the door open for you if you feel undafe at home and don't know where to go.

It's amazing to see a local offer help, but as of right now, I want to see how my efforts will work out. I believe that with enough gettinf "out of the comfort zone", I'll be able to fix most stuff mainly myself. I always was a person that would try doing stuff by themself, but if my efforts wont be enough, I guess we can have a bit "deeper" chat in PMs. So as of right now, I'll have to wait and see how it goes.
Also, quick update before I go to sleep:
Im feeling super tired, probablt due to 2 hours of sleep today. Im still a bit anxious, but not as much as yesterday. I went to the church and prayed all the time for this night to be peaceful, so I hope that God does keep watch over me, at least for this night, as I am Christian. Either way, Ive rehydrated myself and ate some food, so Im better than yesterday. I believe that most of my energy dissapeard due to having pulse of over 120 during my panic attack yesterday. Im going to sleep now, Ill update tomorrow evening, as I'll be on a trip.

 

[Goosechan]

Thank you very much for your aptitude,

Thanks for your thought out response, too! It seems all the more like you had nothing but good and helpful intentions in mind.

I believe that with enough gettinf "out of the comfort zone", I'll be able to fix most stuff mainly myself

What a powerful perspective, I believe in you too! How's tonight? I hope there's not much going on as I believe some rest would be bliss right now.

 

[BlurredOne]

Thanks for your thought out response, too! It seems all the more like you had nothing but good and helpful intentions in mind.
[...]

Still, being where we are there is always a risk of someone being a more "sophisticated" predator of some kind. That's why keeping such things in open view of other people is important and why I am truly grateful that you've reacted to my post the way you did. I remember reading (somewhere in ashspace.org archive) about some hard cannibalo-paraphiliac case taking place in one of the first ashers netgroups (or some old IRC channel?). People happen all the time and everywhere. And Internet is a double-edged sword in that regard.

[...]
Im feeling super tired, probablt due to 2 hours of sleep today. Im still a bit anxious, but not as much as yesterday. I went to the church and prayed all the time for this night to be peaceful, so I hope that God does keep watch over me, at least for this night, as I am Christian. Either way, Ive rehydrated myself and ate some food, so Im better than yesterday. I believe that most of my energy dissapeard due to having pulse of over 120 during my panic attack yesterday. Im going to sleep now, Ill update tomorrow evening, as I'll be on a trip.

Have a good night! And do allow yourself to regenerate (rest, water, food) for a couple of days from this all. With all "nice" things about SN one can find on S.S. the need for fasting and low water intake definitely makes for a more rash thoughts & emotions when on the verge of ctb. Your situation, with all that fresh emotional burden, looked like a Molotov coctail when combined with this. Take care!

And most important: keep up the good work! In the grand scheme of things it's your will to move forward (in whatever direction) which is important. And there's always some place like S.S. or a good hotline/institution which can help you with this in one way or the other. You definitely deserve to give yourself some true chance for self-determination. <3

Try to ask your hotline for some psychotherapy in your city. Things like "crisis psychotherapy intervention" do exist. Here's a Warsaw example:
https://woik.waw.pl/interwencja-kryzysowa-i-krotkoterminowa-pomoc-psychologiczna/
Being a little bit sceptical myself I only suggest to make sure in its statute that it does truly respect your right to intimacy (no contacting other institutions or sth behind your back). That's the way psychotherapists are expected to behave after all.

PS: In any case I'll be here if you feel bad and want to talk and I can always help more directly if you'll end up in some violent situation with your family.

 

[Goosechan]

How's today @GalacticWarrior777 ? Did you manage to get some rest? Please don't feel forced to reply or update right away, only when it feels right to do so. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and rooting for you!

 

[owo]

i literally find out my life in your story, i hope your situation will be negotiated asap, please keep notify us

sending to you MASSIVE cuddles!!!

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

Thanks for the care. Here's a quick update:

I was on a trip today, to a military base and blackhawk production facility. It was mindblowing. Literally lol, the guys at the military base were shooting some rockets, tanks and shit for exercise lmfao. It was insane. I did get rest, and I think my situation is getting better. My parents are approaching me more calmly now, and they allowed me to go to my classmate for a nightover, there will be 2 other friends there too, so epic. I wont update until either tomorrow or sunday evening, just so you know.

Im gonna go take a shower, play some deepwoken with my online friends and go to sleep, as my bus to the town is at 8 am tomorrow

Anyways, goodnight yall!

 

[Goosechan]

Thanks for the update, as always!

did get rest, and I think my situation is getting better.

This is great news. I hope playing vidya with friends and having an epic sleepover will help you feel better mentally too. I'm cautiously optimistic about your parents treating you a bit better, too.

Rockets are impressive, aren't they? I've had the opportunity to be at the field testing days of our local rocketry club at a military terrain. It's incredible what rockets can do.

Have a restful sleep and a fun weekend!

 

[HenryHenriksen_6E]

Thanks for the care. Here's a quick update:

I was on a trip today, to a military base and blackhawk production facility. It was mindblowing. Literally lol, the guys at the military base were shooting some rockets, tanks and shit for exercise lmfao. It was insane. I did get rest, and I think my situation is getting better. My parents are approaching me more calmly now, and they allowed me to go to my classmate for a nightover, there will be 2 other friends there too, so epic. I wont update until either tomorrow or sunday evening, just so you know.

Im gonna go take a shower, play some deepwoken with my online friends and go to sleep, as my bus to the town is at 8 am tomorrow

Anyways, goodnight yall!

It made me smile that things are currently looking a little brighter for you :) Seeing the military in action must be something. I'm pretty against war and military stuff in general, but it's still really cool to see it with your own eyes, even if I don't agree with it. This reminds me that now that things are going towards the end, I end up appreciating the smaller things, like sitting down in an elevator, as stupid as that may seem. Also having plans to shower with clothes on and empty a whole bottle of foam elixir (or whatever it's called) into my bathtub and soak in a soap apocalypse. I'd rather feel like a child before I croak, instead of doing nothing. I wish people could do this kind of stuff without it being a part of a bucket list.

 

[BlurredOne]

I was on a trip today, to a military base and blackhawk production facility. It was mindblowing. Literally lol, the guys at the military base were shooting some rockets, tanks and shit for exercise lmfao. It was insane. I did get rest, and I think my situation is getting better. My parents are approaching me more calmly now, and they allowed me to go to my classmate for a nightover, there will be 2 other friends there too, so epic. I wont update until either tomorrow or sunday evening, just so you know.

Im gonna go take a shower, play some deepwoken with my online friends and go to sleep, as my bus to the town is at 8 am tomorrow

That's some awesome news! Hope the trip will leave some more memorable moments for a long time. ;)

As a kid I made some fireworks (my family has never found out, hah) and that's the closest to rockets I've ever been. It must have been a nice trip..

The nightover sounds great too. I hope that it will also allow your parents to ponder a little bit on their newfound calmness. Just please give yourself at least a partially satisfactory sleep time during the weekend. It would be a shame if you rapidly lost your boost on Monday due to the sleep deprivation.
Have a good weekend and we're waiting for some updates whenever you feel like it!

 

[wren-briar]

@GalacticWarrior777 - How was the sleepover and the rest of your weekend?

 

[BlurredOne]

@GalacticWarrior777 - How was the sleepover and the rest of your weekend?

Oh, yeah! Totally forgot!
We have our Independence Day today in Poland. This means that @GalacticWarrior777 may still be at his friend's place. At least i hope so.

 

[wren-briar]

Tangential post (but not in the way in will appear at first glance)

We have our Independence Day today in Poland. This means that @GalacticWarrior777 may still be at his friend's place.

Yesterday, before I had even posted here, I had actually considered the possibility that y'all might be celebrating Armistice Day (I knew that several European countries called it that) or something else similar. For example, we yanks, are celebrating Veteran's Day today.

As I've understood it, most Armistice Day "celebrations" focused on the allies having won WWI and/the service members who fought in WWI.

Here in the States, "Veterans Day" actually started off as an Armistice celebration, but after WWII it was turned into a celebration of all veterans. We also have "Memorial Day" which is a holiday to honor those who gave their lives in our defense, and as I understand it, our Memorial Day is much more comparable to Armistice Day.

For example, I've known for quite a while about wearing Poppies, and that that tradition started because of a poem about a veterans' graveyard becoming a field of poppies. But here in the States, while it's far from common, you're still much more likely to see someone wearing a poppy pin on Memorial Day than on Veterans Day (put another way, the former is the commemorate those who "gave all", while the later is the celebrate " all who served".)

So yesterday I did a search for "does Poland celebrate armistice day" and got enough hits for "Armed Forces Day" (celebrated in Aug) and wasn't easily finding anything any other results that looked like they would be relevant for today (e.g. under "see also" section of the "Armed Forces Day" wikipedia page), that I came to the conclusion that y'all didn't have a comparable Nov 11th celebration. At which point I posted my previous comment.

So, when I saw @BlurredOne 's response, I had a total "Huh? WTF?" moment, at which point I checked my browser (yep, my search history confirms that I had searched for "was does Poland celebrate armistice day"). Which led to me going down a rabbit hole of "how the heck did my search not pull that up yesterday"? To add insult, when I ran the exact same search today, the very first hit was for the "National Independence Day (Poland)" Wikipedia page, and "Armed Forces Day" didn't even show up on the first page of hits. WTF? Like seriously, WTF?

And to add just a wee bit of personal insult, when I pulled up the "Armistice Day" to see if it might have indicated that a Poland has a comparable holiday, I learned that that isn't even what most allies have actually been celebrating, that it evolved into "Remembrance Day" long before I was even born, so why have I thought y'all were celebrating "Armistice Day" for the last 5 decades?

Seriously

My brain hurts now.

Regardless:

@GalacticWarrior777 - I hope you're doing well and that we hear from you soon.

@BlurredOne - Thank you for pointing out that today is y'alls Independence Day and I hate you for sending me down this path.

To all the Polish folks here - Happy Independence Day!

To all my fellow American veteran's - Happy Veterans day!

To every one who has lost a friend or family member in combat - I'm sorry for your loss.

And to all those who "gave all" to defend their land, their freedom, and their people - Thank you for your sacrifice!

 

[itswhatits]

Hey GW! I'm glad you're still around. I know shit isn't easy, but you made it through some really tough times, and you stuck up for yourself by calling the cops and trying to get out, and I'm proud of you for that. The people around you can call you selfish, or attention-seeking, or whatever, but God damnit, you deserve to be free. I hope you make it out of there.

 

[skatergirl]

Everything good ends quickly, doesn't it? But I didn't expect my luck to run out this quickly.

I assume many of you don't know me yet, so I'll try to state everything as shortly as possible.

The true username of mine will be shared on friday, I'm still in High School due to failing 2nd year and 3rd year. Currently on last year. I've been struggling with anxiety, depression, loneliness, stress and trauma ever since I turned 6. I live in an abusive family, where freedom of speech and thoughts is non-existent. When I was 6, my brother had an epilepsy attack and was diagnosed with a brain tumor. When I was 10, my brother's friend died brutally in a car crash. It was the first real devastating experience for me. Around 3 years later, my uncle died. Also the same year, my brother had another epilepsy attack, which happened right infront of me. My dad has alcohol and anger problems, while my mom has just anger problems. They often would argue, but from time to time the what so "peaceful" argues would turn into serious conflicts, during which I was scared all the time, often would just stay in my room and put on something to mute their voices, which I still do to this day. Throughout all the years, even after telling my parents that I want to visit a psychologist, they never agreed to let me visit one, so quite literally, I was left with all the stress and trauma fully to myself, which had soon started evolving into more serious problems, such as depression and anxiety. To this day I never had visited a psychologist, even when I tried to visit one by myself, I was being stopped by my family. My family doesn't believe in mental problems and think that it's all just fake and that I'm fully fine, and that there are way more important things, such as school.

I've tried finding help in friends, but none of them were willing to help. I went from having over 15 friends to having only 1 "friend" nowadays, as all of them left me after I tried telling them about my mental problems. I'm still being bullied a lot due to my fucked up sense of humor by the idiots. I've switched to living fully online, as I find people way cooler here. I've met a couple of wonderful people online, and am grateful to their support, sadly, it is not enough, and will never be enough. Such problems are to be fixed from the root only.

Anyways, that would be all you need to know about me. I've recently had some luck, and somehow I actually felt less depressed for the past couple of weeks, but it's all gone now. It's no longer here. My luck has ended.

I've already postponed my CTB by 3 months, and I don't feel like it's worth waiting any longer, that's why I've made a decision to CTB this friday. If it won't work, then keep on trying until success.​

I can't take it anymore, that there's so many people that have finally got to rest, but I'm still waiting like an idiot for some miracle. Some of you could be curious about my method, so I'll state my plan below:

• I check if I have everything I need to CTB on thursday
• 1 PM friday, start fasting
• 9 PM friday, minimalise water consumption
• 10 PM friday, take ibuprofen or paracetamol,
• 10:30 PM friday, is CTB possible? If yes, take 4 tablets of antacids. Otherwise wait until 11 PM.
• 11 PM friday, is CTB possible? If yes, drink SN. If not, take ibuprofen or paracetamol again.
• 11:30 PM friday, is CTB possible? If yes, take 4 tablets of antacids. If not, postpone the CTB.
• 12 AM, drink SN.

Do the preparations somewhere in the meantime. Once SN is taken, lay down and comment under this thread about the experience until I pass out. Prepare a bin near my bed for possible vomits. If vomit, take 2nd cup of SN UNLESS I can't due to taste or other problems.

I'll need to make sure that everyone in my house is sleeping. It is a risky choice to CTB in my house, but under just the right circumstances, it is possible to do it. I'm still thinking about running outside and doing it somewhere on a field, but it won't be as comfy as doing it in my house. I'll try my best not to vomit, as vomitting will increase the risk of being found due to loud sound.

That's my plan. I hope it all works out and I finally get to rest well <333

I will miss my online friends, as they have made my life just a bit less miserable and helped me escape from all the stressful events. I will also miss you all, as I've found this community so different from everyone else that it's just hard to describe. It's caring and united so much, as we all suffer and share some things in common.

Feel free to ask questions, i'll try to reply to each single one of them up until my CTB. I'll be noting down the experience, and hopefully I get one of my online friends to stay on call with me until I pass out? Either way, I wish that each single one of yall also gets some well deserved rest from all this suffering.

Galacticwarrior777​

Hey are u Irish? Also r u going to rawdog and only take anti acids and paracetamol ?

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

Sorry for lack of updates, and just to note, they will be way more incosistent from now on.

The sleepover went well, we had fun playing jenga and doing some idiotic shit, and I also broke my toenail off during it lol. It was insane.

I didnt update as Ive been busy playing deepwoken (me and my friend met our old online friend on yesterday and decided to come back to deepwoken), and tbh, Ill be busy the whole week if not month due to tests, studying and even more. My. Gosh.

I hopefully finally get done with this HS bullshit and get to live, lmfao.

Idk what more to say, its 10 pm, im super tired, i have to wake up at 6 am and it sucks quite basically, knowing that i have 2 tests tomorrows and homework due tomorrow and I didnt do any lol. Im just gonna go sleep, I might write a longer update tomorrow evening on my PC. Writing from my phone SUCKS ass. gut night!!

 

[wren-briar]

I'm glad to read that you had so much fun that a broken toenail is still laugh worthy!

Writing from my phone SUCKS ass.

Preach!

i have 2 tests tomorrows and homework due tomorrow and I didnt do any lol

100% Focus on getting your homework and studying done!!!

Sorry for lack of updates, and just to note, they will be way more incosistent from now on.

No pressure!

Although, I would love to read an update from you once you're out of your parents' place and living somewhere safe and stable.

 

[Goosechan]

get to live, lmfao.

Warma my heart genuinely to read this. I want you to have lots more fun experiences like that sleepover. Just don't break your toenails every time hehe. And just getting lost in a game. And growing up discovering what kind of person you'll become. HS and it's bullshit will actually end and then there'll suddenly be so much more to discover. I hope you're sound asleep by the time I'm writing this, 6am is early oof.

Sorry for lack of updates, and just to note, they will be way more incosistent from now on.

Don't worry. Only when it's comfortable for you. I'm super appreciative that you typed on a phone to keep us in the loop lol.

Tangential post (but not in the way in will appear at first glance)

I really enjoyed the tangent actually, hehe.
I snooped around a bit on your git page (what a story man, but that's maybe for another time) and I think you served too. So happy veteran's day. I hope it was ever so more bearable than the other days and maybe even enjoyable.

@BlurredOne How did you spend your national holiday?

 

[J&L383]

Sorry for lack of updates, and just to note, they will be way more incosistent from now on.

The sleepover went well, we had fun playing jenga and doing some idiotic shit, and I also broke my toenail off during it lol. It was insane.

I didnt update as Ive been busy playing deepwoken (me and my friend met our old online friend on yesterday and decided to come back to deepwoken), and tbh, Ill be busy the whole week if not month due to tests, studying and even more. My. Gosh.

I hopefully finally get done with this HS bullshit and get to live, lmfao.

Idk what more to say, its 10 pm, im super tired, i have to wake up at 6 am and it sucks quite basically, knowing that i have 2 tests tomorrows and homework due tomorrow and I didnt do any lol. Im just gonna go sleep, I might write a longer update tomorrow evening on my PC. Writing from my phone SUCKS ass. gut night!!

Lots of people following your journey through life. You've had way too much struggles for your age. It seems you're seeing a light at the end of this dark tunnel, I hope you reach that and get to live some more.

 

[wren-briar]

I snooped around a bit on your git page (what a story man, but that's maybe for another time)

No need to snoop. I delayed CTB so much longer than I wanted to precisely because I felt so compelled to write and share my case publically. While I haven't had hope for my own life since the pivot event, I genuinely hope that people who are in positions to affect change can read about and learn from the systemic failures in the MH field -the failures that so utterly and completely broke me- so that other people aren't failed in the same way.

I think you served too. So happy veteran's day.

I did serve. Thank you.

 

[GalacticWarrior777]

Lmaooo, I just checked on my osu account as I'm going to play some today, and I randomly got moved a 150k+ in ranking (Went from 810k to 680k, wtf).

I forgot to study for my maths test and also forgot to do my homework. I suck lol, but at least I've got to play some games, and either way, I'll probably pass the test, and the homework wasn't really checked, so I've got nun to worry about.

I'm also planning to get back into digging deeply into what caused me to lose contact with one of my online friends, hopefully I succeed after over 4 months (I think this is a story for my profile, might post it there one day as it was a person that changed my view on various things a shit ton).

 

[golddustwoman]

i understand what you've been through. if you're no longer with us, i hope you rest easy and are free from your suffering. if you are, i wish you the best of luck in your future. your story is so moving and i'm so sorry it came down to this. SS is always here for you, even if nobody else is.

 

[billie]

I hope you're okay