I am very sorry that you have set your mind on CTB. What has led you to this is certainly unbearable and nobody should have to suffer this way.
If you have the time and will, please have a look at this e-book before taking any irreversible action:
https://qprinstitute.com/pdfs/Forever_Decision.pdf
It could be that it helps in some way, I hope.
Whatever your decision is, I send love to you.