Venting False hope

[SMK1444]

My biggest attempt was in January. I lost a lot that day, I had most the stuff on me taken by the police including my gun and I lost a person that I loved. I was hospitalized for 2 months straight at different facilities and one residential that they had to move me from because I was to dangerous and a flight risk. When I finally got home I was really thankful to be home, I got to watch TV listen to music ride my horses things I would normally do, I went to outpatient and even met my girlfriend there things were looking up I had hoped for the future I bought a new truck I was looking for a job and I was decently happy and motivated but then boom. For absolutely no reason I just really want to die again..maybe there is a reason I've been going through it lately I broke up with my gf bc of a different girl and I've been cutting deep again and seeing things but I don't think that's enough to justify the feelings that I'm having. I like REALLY want to die more than I did before I think I don't understand. Help didn't work for long, I think the lie that "you are loved" "you are not alone" "you have a bright future" and other corny shit like that wore off. Now I'm back at square one. I have a plan…just don't know when I kinda wanted to wait a while longer but idk if I'll be able to. It's sad maybe if he were still alive I'd be happier. Maybe both of us would be happier
Sorry if there are any spelling or grammatical errors I'm sobbing rn

 

[FuneralCry]

I personally cannot stand those toxic positivity platitudes, I certainly believe that any kind of false hope just exists to lead to more suffering, existence is too cruel and I find it dreadful how people suffer all through no fault of their own. But anyway I wish you the best with your plans.