failing is so humiliating

[owarikigan]

i can hardly call them "attempts" because they're just so pathetic and only "fail" because i wimp out and end up crying and isolating instead until my low temporarily ends or i'm able to mask again and that cycle continues on to the point where it looks like i'm attention seeking. no one comments on it anymore because it's to be expected from me at this point and they know ill end up giving up and going back to "normal" eventually. i'm sick of this cycle i want to end it i dread these instincts and made up sentimentality. i cry when i think i'm having my last meal , cry when i think whatever i have on will be the last song i'd hear, cry when i realize it can't be my last day even though absolutely no one blinks an eye or knows about it every single time. i just get up and move on and put up with everything and i'm tired of deluding myself into believing a miracle can still happen or i can be saved , i want someone to at least see my pain just once and not for the sole purpose of keeping me alive because i just so happen to be the only good person they know that listens to them and helps them and they can simultaneously insult and treat me horribly knowing im too lonely to let go of them

 

[livingdeaddyke]

I understand how you feel, I always feel like complete shit every time I fail. it feels like I'm not even trying, I'm just scared. if I wasn't I'd already do it.

 

[Qilio3]

i can hardly call them "attempts" because they're just so pathetic and only "fail" because i wimp out and end up crying and isolating instead until my low temporarily ends or i'm able to mask again and that cycle continues on to the point where it looks like i'm attention seeking. no one comments on it anymore because it's to be expected from me at this point and they know ill end up giving up and going back to "normal" eventually. i'm sick of this cycle i want to end it i dread these instincts and made up sentimentality. i cry when i think i'm having my last meal , cry when i think whatever i have on will be the last song i'd hear, cry when i realize it can't be my last day even though absolutely no one blinks an eye or knows about it every single time. i just get up and move on and put up with everything and i'm tired of deluding myself into believing a miracle can still happen or i can be saved , i want someone to at least see my pain just once and not for the sole purpose of keeping me alive because i just so happen to be the only good person they know that listens to them and helps them and they can simultaneously insult and treat me horribly knowing im too lonely to let go of them

You can vent all your pain on this site. And if it makes you feel better, I'll be very happy. This forum will be happy to help you. And I will be especially happy to help.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

Just made my most serious FSH attempt yet. Went outside to the high anchor point, stood on the chair. Put a pillowcase on my head. Did one foot off, maybe a little swing with my hands on the rope. It is very hard to decide to be strangled to death. I guess I just...go about my day now?

Anything with a decisive moment is hard. Drinking a poison and waiting is easy. Gunshot has a decisive moment, but no pain (the big squeeze).

How have so many managed to do it? I wish I had the courage they did. Dammit it could all be over by now if I had just stepped off.

List of people who died by hanging - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

 

[yotaka]

i can hardly call them "attempts" because they're just so pathetic and only "fail" because i wimp out and end up crying and isolating instead until my low temporarily ends or i'm able to mask again and that cycle continues on to the point where it looks like i'm attention seeking. no one comments on it anymore because it's to be expected from me at this point and they know ill end up giving up and going back to "normal" eventually. i'm sick of this cycle i want to end it i dread these instincts and made up sentimentality. i cry when i think i'm having my last meal , cry when i think whatever i have on will be the last song i'd hear, cry when i realize it can't be my last day even though absolutely no one blinks an eye or knows about it every single time. i just get up and move on and put up with everything and i'm tired of deluding myself into believing a miracle can still happen or i can be saved , i want someone to at least see my pain just once and not for the sole purpose of keeping me alive because i just so happen to be the only good person they know that listens to them and helps them and they can simultaneously insult and treat me horribly knowing im too lonely to let go of them

I'm sorry. That's truly a horrible thing to have to go through. For what it's worth, I don't think there's anything remotely pathetic about your situation. What you are facing is incredibly difficult. I hope you don't feel like you need to prove anything to anybody.