Failed again. I'm such a coward

[Gone soon]

I wanted to finally hang myself, but once more I didn't find the courage to get through with it. I'm feeling ashamed and that's why I didn't post anything the last weeks. I know, my fate is to die, rather sooner than later. I wish I wouldn't be such a coward. I'll keep trying until I finally succeed

 

[finishLana]

It is a damn terrifying thing to do and despite how bad you feel there's survival instinct to fight with. Im sorry you are feeling this way and you are not a coward, ctb is scary. I wish you to find peace the way you want

 

[passer-by]

I know this way too well. But I believe that whatever is meant to happen will happen eventually. There's more forces ar play than we see. We'll reach the finish line It's going to be ok

 

[TheHolySword]

You aren't a coward. SI is difficult to overcome, you may also not be ready and that's okay. If you need time to think about things you should take it. You don't need to rush into this. There's nothing shameful about not cbting, you're here another day and maybe that's a chance at something more. Whatever happens, whatever you choose, I hope you find what you're looking for and I hope that it's peaceful

 

[dinosavr]

It's called a human being, not a coward. I know it can be really frustrating though but there's no reason to blame yourself.

 

[FuneralCry]

I personally don't believe one is cowardly, suicide is really difficult to me after all, I wish it's straightforward to just cease existing in peace. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[L'absent]

We live in a pro-life culture, it's not easy to kill yourself. This culture generates fear of death, but so do friends, our hobbies and many other things. I have never believed in the survival instinct. Just think of the Seppuku of the Samurai, it was not only honorable but also a privilege. But in what context did the Samurai live to develop this thought? And the Eunuchs of the forbidden city? Eunuchs spontaneously showed up to be castrated, and it was considered a great privilege. They knew they were risking their lives (there were many deaths) and yet there were so many volunteers. Where was the survival instinct? Modern-day psychoanalysis itself defines some types of suicide as an egoic act. A selfish act that surpasses the presumed survival instinct. I have no intention of going back to arguing about the existence of an instinct. What interests me instead is to build around myself that environment conducive to a clear and peaceful exit. In my opinion we cannot expect to find courage one day through divine action. Courage must be built over time. And it doesn't mean that it's about courage, perhaps it's much simpler than it may seem. Simple does not mean easy. The change starts from us.

 

[maniac116]

Come on, give yourself a break!!
It takes a lot just to attempt.
You just haven't "succeeded yet"

 

[been__ready]

We live in a pro-life culture, it's not easy to kill yourself. This culture generates fear of death, but so do friends, our hobbies and many other things. I have never believed in the survival instinct. Just think of the Seppuku of the Samurai, it was not only honorable but also a privilege. But in what context did the Samurai live to develop this thought? And the Eunuchs of the forbidden city? Eunuchs spontaneously showed up to be castrated, and it was considered a great privilege. They knew they were risking their lives (there were many deaths) and yet there were so many volunteers. Where was the survival instinct? Modern-day psychoanalysis itself defines some types of suicide as an egoic act. A selfish act that surpasses the presumed survival instinct. I have no intention of going back to arguing about the existence of an instinct. What interests me instead is to build around myself that environment conducive to a clear and peaceful exit. In my opinion we cannot expect to find courage one day through divine action. Courage must be built over time. And it doesn't mean that it's about courage, perhaps it's much simpler than it may seem. Simple does not mean easy. The change starts from us.

Very well said
Please have compassion for yourself.

We are going against an eternity of evolution trying to CTB.. we were designed to avoid self-harm with every fabric of our being...

If it's any consolation -
I just spent an entire week trying to CTB - twice a day I would visit the site but just couldn't do it - and I traveled half way across the country to boot! Now I'm headed home to regroup and try and find another more peaceful way to go.

SN is very involved but worth a try I think.

Take some time to regroup before you try again.

 

[ForestGhost]

Hey, I remember reading your goodbye thread when you posted it. I always wondered what happened to you. Just wanted to let you know that you've been in my thoughts, I guess. And I definitely don't think you're a failure or coward in any sense of the word.

 

[panda55]

Be kind to yourself friend. It's not an easy decision.

 

[newstart2000]

I gave up as well. Tried twice, but when I felt ringing in my ear I quit. Really scary.

 

[hixey]

You are all so kind. I'll just add to it, I have been standing on the bucket, ready to take the step off and been so ready several times over the past few months. Every time I can go on no longer I try again. It's extremely difficult to take that final plunge. I have nothing but pain left and yet I still hesitate. It's incredibly difficult. I'm sorry you are still suffering.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

you aren't a coward at all. SI is very real, among other things that may be personal to you. be kind to yourself as you can.

here if you want to talk xx