Venting fading

[belly.up4good]

i repeat the memories in my head over and over trying to re-live what is lost. i re-live in hopes it never ended. that he still thinks about me as i do of him. that he would stop everything for me. that we would go back to how it was. that nothing else matters but me. as time goes by, i forget more and more of the blue room, the laughs, the smiles, the jokes, the words. i forget slowly like a rotting carcass on the road. i forget like the burial. once screaming, wishing for you to come back, standing before the unmoved dirt, as if you were never there to begin with. the bone is all you are and now seeping into the earth. the bone diminish and weaken and brittle and crumble away. i am forgetting. i am forgetting and it's so distant yet it was yesterday. i know it was yesterday. i know you were right here. i know the cold autumn nights and kisses on my cheek and soft skin rubbing on my lips were just here. i want you here. i need you here. i can't live like this. i am not enough for you. the cloth tightening on my neck and i struggle and peep and try to grab for nothing. you don't love me. and i can't live like this. i will never be able to tell you what you're doing. when you thrust into me, when we're swaddled perfectly, when we wake up in the middle of the night to talk. i am forever hiding myself from you. i should've died long ago, i smile at everything i've ever done and experienced, and i cry knowing i will never be wanted, the small talk and fake smiles and fake laughs and i can't fucking do this anymore. why don't you love me. i wish we never met so we could've ended up perfectly on campus, in our apartment, in the night, in the cold autumn, i wish i was dead. i wish i died long ago. i fear to stop. but i can't accept that it's over. i can't accept you are doing what i fear you are.