Extremely High Suicidal Ideation - Is there any hope left for me?

[murdoc23]

I'm dealing with extremely high suicidal ideation, anxiety, depression, and insomnia.

I got my SN, but no Meto, I do have Zofran though and Xanax/Clonopin.

I've been through several anti-depressants that gave me bad reactions, Lexapro, Celexa, Prozac, and Effexor. Buspar, Mirtazapine.

Also bad reaction to anti-psychotics like Abilify and Zyprexa.

Completely dependent on sleep drugs like Ambien and Ambien CR

Had a genesight test done and showed that I lot of these medications are in the red column and I don't metabolize them well.

I have done 3 and a half weeks of TMS so far but no signs of improvement, in fact it seems like its getting worse since I have a hard time sitting in the chair for 30 minutes.

I just had a horrible experience with IV Ketamine which felt like torture and gave me insomnia and kept me up till 8am with barely any sleep.

Is there any hope for me at this point? Thinking about ECT but i hear its mostly for depression and can have really bad side effects.

Gonna talk to my psychiatrist tomorrow. I don't know if there's any other medication that can help me since it seems like i'm very sensitive to everything.

He might suggest I go checked back into a mental hospital, which would be my 4th hospitalization since November of last year. I don't know what they can do either.

If you were to see my face, I look terrified pretty much the entire day and have a face that looks of someone that is about to die.

Is there any hope for me or am I just dying a slow death? It seems like I can't get any of these symptoms, anxiety, insomnia, and depression under control.

 

[coolcow1289]

Man, I thought I had it bad. You sound like you've been through Hell and are fighting very hard. I'm also fighting with anxiety and like you I'm out of options. What bad reactions did you have the the SSRIS? Have you tried toughing them out and seeing if the sides would settle over time? How long have you been like this?

 

[murdoc23]

For SSRIs: Brain zaps, Brain Tingling, Head pressure, lasting for hours, even into late hours of the night that it would interfere with sleeping medications.

I've also been an anxious person and sometimes depressed, but it got worse last October due to a number of different unfortunate events.
I was abruptly stopped off of Lexapro after 2 and a half weeks. The doctor said nothing bad would happen, well a lot of bad things happened. I got hyperacusis, loss of coordination, very painful suicidal idea spikes, lots more head pressure. All that lasted for the better part of 2 months, when I got hospitalized again and given Zyprexa, which gave me a little more sleep but bad side effects, EPS, involuntary movement, muscle twitches and muscle spasms. They masked it with 2mg of Klonopin and then just discharged me to a residential where they had to taper me off Zyprexa, which I would still get a lot of withdrawal effects from. So that whole month and a half was basically a waste, yet I still have some leftover eps systems that come up.

My nervous system is completely effed up right now, so I dunno if starting another SSRI would be beneficial at all, even at the tiniest dose, it might just give me the same bad side effects.

 

[coolcow1289]

Since October is pretty recent time wise, but it sounds like the intensity is really bad. I can't even imagine four hospitalizations - I had one and I can't imagine going back.

Idk id give TMS a few more weeks. And since you have little to lose, why not try the ECT. I also know people who struggled with the typical SSRIs were able to handle tricyclics or the MAOIs a bit better. For sleep, I used to take trazodone off label for sleep - worked well and wasn't really addictive if you're looking to ween off ambien.

You haven't eliminated every option yet, I'd try and stay hopeful. And you have an out (SN) if all else fails and things get too rough. I wish you the best.

 

[murdoc23]

Since October is pretty recent time wise, but it sounds like the intensity is really bad. I can't even imagine four hospitalizations - I had one and I can't imagine going back.

Idk id give TMS a few more weeks. And since you have little to lose, why not try the ECT. I also know people who struggled with the typical SSRIs were able to handle tricyclics or the MAOIs a bit better. For sleep, I used to take trazodone off label for sleep - worked well and wasn't really addictive if you're looking to ween off ambien.

You haven't eliminated every option yet, I'd try and stay hopeful. And you have an out (SN) if all else fails and things get too rough. I wish you the best.

Yea, I should mention, I started noticing my anxiety get higher at the beginning of last summer, except I didn't work on treatment for it then when I should have.
I'll talk to my psych about ECT, but I hear it's only depression and not anxiety, and not sure it helps insomnia either.

I'll look into the tricyclics and MAOis, I just can't take anything that'll make my insomnia worse or give me more adrenaline. Looking at my list it seems a lot of them are on my red column from Genesight too.

I tried Trazedone at up to 200mg and it didn't work for me, in fact believe it or not, it made my hyperacusis worse due to its seratonin reactions.

Might take a look into other things like Clonidine and Guanfacine too. Thanks for your suggestions.