certified_idiot
Future Lost Media
- Dec 5, 2023
- 107
Enjoy this weird, rambley explanation of my life story that I'm telling to strangers on the internet instead of my therapist for some godforsaken reason:
If you look at the date I joined this forum, you'd see that I started posting in 2023. Three fucking years ago. I thought I'd definitely be dead right now. I got so fucking close at the start of 2024. I did everything right, chose a method (partial hanging), set it up, did a few test runs, but I just couldn't find the right time. This gave me enough time to doubt myself and tell someone else. This ended up getting me hospitalized, and now I have even more PTSD.
This did lead to me getting mental health help, but I've just grown more and more disillusioned with the system over time. I tried medication for a time, but it turns out that I have a special gene mutation that reduces the efficacy of SSRIs. Of course, I figured this out after the first three, but my psychiatrist didn't confirm it until after my fifth failed med. My chronic illnesses have just been getting worse and worse, and there's no real treatment for my main problem. So, naturally, I don't really trust the medical system.
After failing the SSRIs, my psychiatrist put me on Lamictal, which is normally a mood stabilizer, but is also used for treatment-resistant depression. Because of the way Lamictal works, I had to go up slowly, and stay on it for months. I told her that it was making me feel worse, but she told me it would get better at the target dosage. It did not. I had previously gotten my depression down to a mild-moderate dysthymia. I occasionally felt joy for a few hours when prompted by something! Lamictal snatched that away from me horrifyingly quickly. I'm off it now, but I'm getting closer to a MDE. I might already be in one, considering my decreased energy, increased anhedonia, lower mood, and thoughts of suicide. Any sort of joy I feel is short and fleeting. It feels like I'm chasing something that is forever out of my reach.
The only way I've managed to live this long is through distraction, but I can't even do that anymore. Now, my main coping mechanism is cutting, and other forms of self-harm. I know this isn't a self-harm forum (however, if you know any, can you please recommend them?), so I won't go into details, but this is the only way I can feel like I have any control over my life. I've been relying more and more on it, and the urges come back stronger and stronger every time I indulge. I'm aware that it's a problem, but I don't really want to recover.
I don't like life very much, but I don't feel like seriously planning my death. I know I'm doomed to a painful life and an earlier death due to my chronic illnesses, so what's even the point of suffering through it all? But I also don't feel like dying so soon. I'm stuck in this limbo where I don't want to live, but I don't want to die. It's like I'm 11 all over again. I'm just floating along in stasis while everyone else moves on with their lives. Nothing feels real, so does it even matter?
There's so much more I could say, but I don't have the energy to write it down.
If you look at the date I joined this forum, you'd see that I started posting in 2023. Three fucking years ago. I thought I'd definitely be dead right now. I got so fucking close at the start of 2024. I did everything right, chose a method (partial hanging), set it up, did a few test runs, but I just couldn't find the right time. This gave me enough time to doubt myself and tell someone else. This ended up getting me hospitalized, and now I have even more PTSD.
This did lead to me getting mental health help, but I've just grown more and more disillusioned with the system over time. I tried medication for a time, but it turns out that I have a special gene mutation that reduces the efficacy of SSRIs. Of course, I figured this out after the first three, but my psychiatrist didn't confirm it until after my fifth failed med. My chronic illnesses have just been getting worse and worse, and there's no real treatment for my main problem. So, naturally, I don't really trust the medical system.
After failing the SSRIs, my psychiatrist put me on Lamictal, which is normally a mood stabilizer, but is also used for treatment-resistant depression. Because of the way Lamictal works, I had to go up slowly, and stay on it for months. I told her that it was making me feel worse, but she told me it would get better at the target dosage. It did not. I had previously gotten my depression down to a mild-moderate dysthymia. I occasionally felt joy for a few hours when prompted by something! Lamictal snatched that away from me horrifyingly quickly. I'm off it now, but I'm getting closer to a MDE. I might already be in one, considering my decreased energy, increased anhedonia, lower mood, and thoughts of suicide. Any sort of joy I feel is short and fleeting. It feels like I'm chasing something that is forever out of my reach.
The only way I've managed to live this long is through distraction, but I can't even do that anymore. Now, my main coping mechanism is cutting, and other forms of self-harm. I know this isn't a self-harm forum (however, if you know any, can you please recommend them?), so I won't go into details, but this is the only way I can feel like I have any control over my life. I've been relying more and more on it, and the urges come back stronger and stronger every time I indulge. I'm aware that it's a problem, but I don't really want to recover.
I don't like life very much, but I don't feel like seriously planning my death. I know I'm doomed to a painful life and an earlier death due to my chronic illnesses, so what's even the point of suffering through it all? But I also don't feel like dying so soon. I'm stuck in this limbo where I don't want to live, but I don't want to die. It's like I'm 11 all over again. I'm just floating along in stasis while everyone else moves on with their lives. Nothing feels real, so does it even matter?
There's so much more I could say, but I don't have the energy to write it down.
Last edited:
