everyone blames me

[wildflowers1996]

i'm so scared i feel physically sick
i'm so scared that God hates me
that God thinks I'm a bad person
that it's my fault I don't ever feel better, that I haven't tried hard enough
that i'm selfish and my values are twisted
whenever i try to reach out people tell me that I need to get mental health support and when I say I've been on endless different medications and been in therapy they seem to think I'm not trying hard enough and engaging properly with therapy
maybe they are right??? do I just have no accountability??? am I a defective bad person who is too selfish to change??? I could have tried harder in therapy but it felt so useless I hate therapy so much i hate it
i feel like all the blame is falling on me
It's my life so I should have the responsibility to change but I just don't seem to want to want to
then when I say I want to ctb all the religious people say I'm going to hell and not to do it
what if they're right???
and I'm horrible and selfish for even contemplating ctb because it'll hurt my family so much i feel so guilty but not guilty enough not to do it
I can't find a method to do it either I keep asking here and no one will help me I don't know how to get the things I need I can't stop crying I feel so sick I feel like I'm having a taster of hell then if I ctb God's going to let me be tortured forever is the suffering actually NEVER going to end

 

[IBM0000]

i'm so scared i feel physically sick
i'm so scared that God hates me
that God thinks I'm a bad person
that it's my fault I don't ever feel better, that I haven't tried hard enough
that i'm selfish and my values are twisted
whenever i try to reach out people tell me that I need to get mental health support and when I say I've been on endless different medications and been in therapy they seem to think I'm not trying hard enough and engaging properly with therapy
maybe they are right??? do I just have no accountability??? am I a defective bad person who is too selfish to change??? I could have tried harder in therapy but it felt so useless I hate therapy so much i hate it
i feel like all the blame is falling on me
It's my life so I should have the responsibility to change but I just don't seem to want to want to
then when I say I want to ctb all the religious people say I'm going to hell and not to do it
what if they're right???
and I'm horrible and selfish for even contemplating ctb because it'll hurt my family so much i feel so guilty but not guilty enough not to do it
I can't find a method to do it either I keep asking here and no one will help me I don't know how to get the things I need I can't stop crying I feel so sick I feel like I'm having a taster of hell then if I ctb God's going to let me be tortured forever is the suffering actually NEVER going to end

You can't do it!! Don't die! Live! Live please! I mean, if we let everyone who wanted to kill themselves do that HOW ARE THE FACTORIES GONNA RUN?? What about my stacks of money???...Basically the only reason pro-lifers and capitalists (if you're not rich you shouldn't identify as one) is so that they could force people to run a society that they hate.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

There is no such thing as hell.
Hell ( originally spelt HELLE ) is an old english word meaning " underground, or covered, or hidden ".
Hell is also described as sheol, or ghehenna , yet ghehenna was a place used for child sacrifice and the bodies were later burned.
Sheol means place of the dead, for both good and bad People.
Also, if God exists, then it is obvious that he hates everyone.
I honestly wouldn't take anything to do with religion seriously.

 

[FuneralCry]

The only hell is this existence to me, the people you are interacting with sound so insensitive and brainwashed, I think it's best to just take no notice of them. It's so horrible how people cannot just easily die in peace, all those anti-suicide people just create more harm.