Help Every time I look in the mirror I see myself as grey and blue

[its-about-time]

I'm pretty certain SN is my way to go. I ordered some today.

I discovered this method within the last week. The striking change in skin color upon ingestion is haunting me. Mentally I just keep thinking of someone finding me, grey and blue, in whatever position I happen to be in when the thought comes up. Looking in the mirror is absolutely worse. I just see grey skin and blue lips. It feels very disturbing to me. I'm not dead yet, but every time I see myself, I'm dead.

I'm fine with it in practice. It's not a thing that makes me NOT want to take SN as my way out. I certainly will not have any mirrors around when I do it though. And I definitely am not looking up pictures of what it will look like. For some reason I am just being fucking haunted by seeing myself as dead and it's hard to cope with.

Not sure how to chill these thoughts/visuals out.

 

[Judy Garland]

What worries me is if it fails, then how long does it take for the skin color to return to normal. Look at this:

not looking up pictures of what it will look like.

Yup, that's why I removed the picture. I looked it up last night.
That's what's freaking me out. If it fails and we have discoloration...will it go away and will our skin return to normal?
The only thing I don't like about SN is the discoloration of the skin, it freaks me out for some reason.

 

[BigGimpin]

but every time I see myself, I'm dead.

Caught myself looking in the mirror today, I swear I have aged 10 years in the last 3 months. (im 52) most recent trip to the pain doctor said I have the spine of a 90 year old! I want this suffering to end, I cant take much more.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Sorry you feel this way. Unfortunately, dead people are usually not too good looking. But once you're really blue and grey it probably wouldn't bother you anymore. And after all, this is not the most harrowing sight compared to many other methods...

 

[its-about-time]

What worries me is if it fails, then how long does it take for the skin color to return to normal. Look at this:

Yup, that's why I removed the picture. I looked it up last night.
That's what's freaking me out. If it fails and we have discoloration...will it go away and will our skin return to normal?
The only thing I don't like about SN is the discoloration of the skin, it freaks me out for some reason.

Thanks for removing the picture. As luck would have it, I didn't see your response until just now so I didn't see the picture at all! :)

I've been reading lots about failed SN attempts and everything I've read is that the skin color returns to normal within a day or so. I'm sure there are exceptions but it seems that with treatment (ex if you're found early or abort and are treated in the hospital) there aren't even long term health effects.

Except that I've found SN is a carcinogen when exposed to stomach acid, so these failed SN attempts may find themselves with gastric or colon cancer in the future.

Sorry you feel this way. Unfortunately, dead people are usually not too good looking. But once you're really blue and grey it probably wouldn't bother you anymore. And after all, this is not the most harrowing sight compared to many other methods...

I think the reason why it feels so disturbing is because I'll be able to see it while alive. I could shoot myself and leave a horrific scene, but I would never have seen myself like that, you know? Even when I was set on exit bag with nitrogen, unless you prop a mirror up you're not going to have the opportunity to see what you look like. With SN you have time to walk around and look in the mirror. I think I'm just overthinking haha.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

With SN you have time to walk around and look in the mirror.

Not that much time, really, and you don't have to do it if you don't want to. By the time you will really turn blue you will be too dizzy and weak to walk around, you'll probably be laying down, so it's unlikely that you're going to be looking at yourself at that very moment. I understand the overthinking thing, though.

 

[its-about-time]

Not that much time, really, and you don't have to do it if you don't want to. By the time you will really turn blue you will be too dizzy and weak to walk around, you'll probably be laying down, so it's unlikely that you're going to be looking at yourself at that very moment. I understand the overthinking thing, though.

That's reassuring to hear, that it's less likely I'll be walking around when the color change is super prominent. I read a lot of failed SN attempts and several of them happened to see themselves pale and blue though. Usually if they were in the bathroom vomiting or in a hotel where there are lots of random mirrors.

I seem to have developed delayed gastric emptying (seeing a doctor tomorrow so I'll know for sure in the coming weeks), and I think if that's the case it will prolong time to unconsciousness. I'll be taking a solid dose of benzos and sedatives to compensate. Then climbing in my hammock and watching the clouds :)

 

[GrumpyFrog]

I'll be taking a solid dose of benzos and sedatives to compensate. Then climbing in my hammock and watching the clouds :)

Sounds really peaceful and lovely :)
Failing any attempt isn't a fun ride, but even if you aren't going to look super nice, at least you aren't going to be in lots of pain. I think that is already nice.

 

[its-about-time]

Sounds really peaceful and lovely :)
Failing any attempt isn't a fun ride, but even if you aren't going to look super nice, at least you aren't going to be in lots of pain. I think that is already nice.

Feelin good