Even leaving my room and going out onto the street - full of beautiful, wonderful people... - is becoming too much for me...

[Sakura.]

I study in a big city, and today I was planning to go back to my family home for a while, but even something like that will be a huge burden for me... From Tuesday morning until today, almost six days, I haven't left my room, nor have I even considered leaving it—just to avoid seeing all these beautiful, wonderful, young people whose lives are the complete opposite of mine... I only went out once during that time, briefly, to do some shopping, especially in the morning, so there would be as few people as possible, and even then, the sight of those few people still hurt me deeply... I didn't even want to look out the window just to avoid seeing them, and I kept the curtains drawn whenever my roommate was away and I could... Even though I force myself not to look out the window, my roommate leaves it open, and I can hear all these people talking and laughing together from the street—something I, of course, can't do...

I also returned home a week ago on Friday, and it was a terrible experience... I had to first get through the city to the train station, seeing all these young, beautiful, wonderful people, and then seeing them again at the station itself and then on the train...

I will never be one of those young, beautiful, wonderful people... Even leaving my locked room is becoming more and more of a burden for me, because it involves such a profound triggering of how amazing the lives of all these wonderful people are, and how mine is...

 

[difficvltmachineryy]

I feel the same...seeing other people being happy and carefree makes me feel even depressed

 

[itsgone2]

They understand life. They're normal. Regardless of their age or beauty I know what you mean. Just happily living life. I'm just sad about it now, being autistic or whatever, not getting a chance to just be normal. Live and enjoy a normal life.

 

[Dejected 55]

The more I'm around and interact with people, the worse I feel. So I very much get this.

 

[unluckysadness]

I agree with the comments. That's why I avoid people and it makes my isolation worse. Vicious circle...
When I sit on a bench - alone with my sad thoughts - I watch people having fun, with a partner or a loving family, they are just here in the present moment, no overthinking, just fun. And I think "wow, it must be insane to have a healthy normal brain and body, to do things, to love someone, to drive a car, ...
And I can't do anything normal, so it gives me more suicidal thoughts with my fucking sick brain. These days I'd like to have a gun to shoot this brain so it's over.

 

[Alreadylate]

I study in a big city, and today I was planning to go back to my family home for a while, but even something like that will be a huge burden for me... From Tuesday morning until today, almost six days, I haven't left my room, nor have I even considered leaving it—just to avoid seeing all these beautiful, wonderful, young people whose lives are the complete opposite of mine... I only went out once during that time, briefly, to do some shopping, especially in the morning, so there would be as few people as possible, and even then, the sight of those few people still hurt me deeply... I didn't even want to look out the window just to avoid seeing them, and I kept the curtains drawn whenever my roommate was away and I could... Even though I force myself not to look out the window, my roommate leaves it open, and I can hear all these people talking and laughing together from the street—something I, of course, can't do...

I also returned home a week ago on Friday, and it was a terrible experience... I had to first get through the city to the train station, seeing all these young, beautiful, wonderful people, and then seeing them again at the station itself and then on the train...

I will never be one of those young, beautiful, wonderful people... Even leaving my locked room is becoming more and more of a burden for me, because it involves such a profound triggering of how amazing the lives of all these wonderful people are, and how mine is...

where do you live????????? You can come to live here in my town and you won't have this problem.

 

[Sakura.]

I study in a big city, and today I was planning to go back to my family home for a while, but even something like that will be a huge burden for me... From Tuesday morning until today, almost six days, I haven't left my room, nor have I even considered leaving it—just to avoid seeing all these beautiful, wonderful, young people whose lives are the complete opposite of mine... I only went out once during that time, briefly, to do some shopping, especially in the morning, so there would be as few people as possible, and even then, the sight of those few people still hurt me deeply... I didn't even want to look out the window just to avoid seeing them, and I kept the curtains drawn whenever my roommate was away and I could... Even though I force myself not to look out the window, my roommate leaves it open, and I can hear all these people talking and laughing together from the street—something I, of course, can't do...

I also returned home a week ago on Friday, and it was a terrible experience... I had to first get through the city to the train station, seeing all these young, beautiful, wonderful people, and then seeing them again at the station itself and then on the train...

I will never be one of those young, beautiful, wonderful people... Even leaving my locked room is becoming more and more of a burden for me, because it involves such a profound triggering of how amazing the lives of all these wonderful people are, and how mine is...

I did it. I'll never be so bad in this regard that I can't leave my room if I need to.


But on that short walk between my room and the train station, I had to, of course, see two female friends in very casual outfits cuddling, a beautiful girl with natural blonde hair and bangs and makeup with her boyfriend, a beautiful girl with dyed blonde hair who was taking her last drag on an e-cigarette just as she entered the shopping mall, another beautiful girl with natural blonde hair and bangs and no makeup with her boyfriend, and a beautiful girl with dyed black hair and heavier makeup cuddling with her friends just before her train departed...

I can't even imagine how wonderful their lives must be... And yet, I'm a repulsive-looking autistic person whom no one wants to even look at, let alone have anything to do with... Let alone view him positively, want to talk to him, spend time with him, or be friends with him...


I wish my family hadn't been an obstacle to my suicide. Even in that moment I just described, despite all my feelings, I was happy that everything was settled, that everything regarding my suicide had been decided, that I would be able to commit it, and that it would all be over soon. But unfortunately, because of my family, it almost certainly won't be over for a very long time...

 

[Dejected 55]

It is true that most people aren't having as wonderful of lives as we might observe in short snippets of seeing them in the world... everyone, almost everyone, has problems they deal with that we never know about... but it's also true that seeing people out in the world who definitely have things we do not, well it just hurts. I don't wish bad things on others and I'm not specifically jealous and want the thing they have... but they have something or someone... and I have nothing and no one... and it just hurts all the more to see it.

It's like if you are homeless and hungry and you had to see everyone lining up for the buffet while they twirl their house keys in their hand and you can only sit there and imagine what that must be like. Even if those people have problems they have a house and food that you do not have. It's cruel to subject yourself to that.

 

[Another Path]

I suffer from strong social anxiety, and my fears center around how others judge me. This leads to isolation and fear of going outside similar to you.
Ragarding your experience, here are some thoughts:

Our perceptions are fundamentally flawed.
As Dejected 55 just said, we cannot see the burdens others carry around. Many people become incredibly good at masking their dark thoughts,
which often leads to the people around them being shocked when they ctb.
In cases like bipolar disorder, the affected can seem to have the absolute best time of their life, when they are just days or weeks away from ctb.

We also suffer from confirmation bias. When observations fit our narrative "Everyone is better off than me" we tend to overlook or disregard cases that oppose this.

Selection bias is another factor. People who are worse off or in an equally bad spot as us tend to avoid social interactions and isolate. This is now more true than ever!

It seems to me that the core of your issue is that others remind you of what you crave and seemingly cannot have, as well as a feeling of alienation and loneliness.
People like us are rare to meet due to the nature of our problems.

What sometimes helps me cope with my problems is the thought that others are happier than me. I'm glad not everyone suffers as much as I do.

Craving is one of the greatest causes of suffering for humanity. One could technically frame every suffering as a form of craving.
It is possible to let go of cravings. It might help to look up the 4 noble truths and the noble eightfold path.

Do you still believe in free will?
I found it freeing to understand that the concept itself makes no sense.

I wish you the best along your path whereever it lead! ^^

 

[TeaHealer]

Honestly, I was in your position once but I tried to fit in. It just made me corner myself more for not being me and consequently harmed others to the point of distancing themselves.

What made me push through was expanding my interests outside the box, outside the room. If you love yourself more than think of others - not as narcissistic, but someone who's aware of their issues and willing to break through the routine.
You could slowly get back to where you wanted.

I believe you can get through this dear. You just need a little faith on yourself to change.

 

[Sakura.]

Hi! First of all, I'd like to thank you all for all your replies and for trying to help. I didn't expect this thread to generate so much interest! I have to admit, I felt bad posting it here because I knew it wouldn't contribute anything, that it would just clutter the forum, that no one would respond, because no one would even have the opportunity to respond to something so irrelevant—and this time, it turned out to be quite the opposite.


Of all the topics you've raised, I'd like to address one, the most important one—that all these beautiful, wonderful, joyful people also have certain, often very serious, problems. I greatly appreciate that this was pointed out, but at the same time, I must admit that I, of course, am fully aware of this as well. Sometimes, even in the midst of the feelings I feel and have shared in this thread, I also think about the fact that this wonderful, incredible person also has significant problems. That perhaps they're being treated poorly by their family, that perhaps they have people in their life who aren't fair to them, that perhaps various other aspects of life, of which there's a whole range, aren't going their way.


But at the same time, regardless of all the problems they have, their lives remain wonderful precisely because they're wonderful in the most important aspect, the one that determines the rest of their lives: how others treat them. These people are adored by everyone, everyone treats them wonderfully, everyone immediately sees them very well, everyone wants to talk to them, wants to be friends with them, wants to spend time with them.

In this aspect of life that's most important, life has turned out wonderfully for them, and with this aspect, the rest of their lives will also turn out very well for them. Or—even if there are difficulties and problems—they won't matter so much, because life in its most important part will be wonderful, and that will be the only thing that matters, or it will compensate for everything else.


Meanwhile, I'm autistic and repulsive-looking, and in this aspect of life that is most important and determines everything else, everything has gone terribly wrong for me. I have no way to interact with anyone, connect with anyone, let alone talk to someone, make friends, or spend time with anyone. Almost everything in life requires the participation of another person, which means that almost everything in my life is inaccessible. Those individual things that, in theory, you can do on your own, even in practice, even if you lead such a terrible life, are impossible to do and enjoy. I'm repulsive to everyone because of my autism and my appearance. Everyone looks down on me negatively, no one wants to have anything to do with me—and I can't do anything to change that or make them realize how wrong they are. If you look repulsive and seem retarded, no one wants to have anything to do with you—that's all. In this situation, living such a terrible life, it's hard to take comfort in the fact that people who lead generally wonderful lives also have problems.

My life is so terrible that no ordinary problems (that all of those wonderful people do have) really matter compared to my main problem. For example, I'm just finishing university and will soon be trying to start a job. "Be trying", because no one will want to hire a retarded and repulsive-looking person. If they do, my work will be a chore every moment of it (I really know what I'm talking about), and at the beginning of it, I will potentially be unpaid for it, or at best, I will be earning the minimum wage in the country for a very long time after my supposedly second-most demanding studies. And for example, something like that isn't a problem for me at all. I don't worry about it. My life is so terrible that earning ridiculous amounts of money won't be a problem at all. For example, because I'll never have the opportunity to use it in such a life anyway. Just as all the theoretically positive things in such a life have no meaning in such a life. Barring a catastrophe, I could soon be declared the supposedly "best student" in (again, supposedly) the second-hardest and most prestigious major at one of the best universities in my country. And as you can see, that means nothing when my life is so awful. And the fact that it means nothing isn't a mental disorder or inadequate thinking on my part, but simply that, in such a terrible life, none of those theoretically positive things matter.

 

[Sakura.]

I've spent the last two days in a semblance of my safe space, a safe haven, though my life there isn't exactly positive there – my family home. I spent over two days with my dad and younger brother, visited my grandmother, visited my aunt and uncle, and... I was completely unprepared for the fact that today I had to leave this semblance of a safe space again and return to my hell.

I completely forgot about it – I didn't remember it when I set off for the train station in my rather small town this morning; I was completely unprepared for it. The town I'm leaving from for my large university town is quite small, and even there I already experience the suffering I've described in this topic, it's usually less compared to what I experience in a big city. But today it was much greater than usual, and I was completely unprepared for it.

On the way to the station, I saw three beautiful, wonderful girls with dyed hair, but it didn't hurt me as much yet. But upon reaching the station, I saw images that were far more intense than usual, and they already hurt me deeply. What was most likely a school trip for high school girls only. Twenty more beautiful young girls with bangs than usual, laughing and chatting amiably, certainly didn't help. And then there were the standard, painful images. Smoking girls, a girl in fancy tights who looked like a walking masterpiece...

And I was the complete opposite of such people. A repulsive-looking autistic person, for whom even completely passive and passive contact with such people was enough to make me feel horrible. And that was just the beginning. I would see more such people at subsequent train stops, and I hadn't even reached my big city yet, where I would once again have to spend the next few days confined to my room...

 

[Dejected 55]

I equate being in public, around people, and the pain it causes with... Imagine you are starving, how would you feel touring a buffet where you weren't allowed to eat or touch anything... just walk by all the food you can smell and see but never eat? It's torture. Nobody is doing it on purpose, but its torture all the same. Being in a world where you don't belong and never being connected to anyone... it's pain on pain.

 

[LittleJem]

I particularly avoid going out at weekends, as it's so hard to see everyone have their 'day off', when all my days are mental torment. Today is Wednesday, though, and I couldn't leave my room yesterday or today. I am lying on the floor tormented. I got rid of my bed, it was giving me backache, now the floor aches my hips.

But anyway, when I look at people living normal lives, I feel like an alien outsider.

 

[Sakura.]

The same picture again. Today, I'm returning from my university city to my family home at this very moment. I intended to stay in this city longer, so that thanks to its isolation, I could focus on my studies, but due to my mental state, after just three days, I was unable to study or work even a little. The idea of returning to my family home, because it's just as good (and even better) to not work among my family than to sit alone, only recently occurred to me. And once again, I was unprepared for the pictures I found.

It's true that today is Saturday, but the weather in my town was bad and rainy, so I hoped there wouldn't be so many other people on the streets. I was wrong. There were crowds of people. It turned out that today was some kind of Night of Museums in my city, and crowds of people went to see them – among them, as usual, I noticed the most outstanding, wonderful young people. I didn't even know about this event—just as I didn't know recently about the so-called "Juwenalia", a large party organized by the university for students at the end of the academic year. Being who I am, I can never participate in any such event...


Later, unfortunately, I had to see so many such wonderful, beautiful people again, in front of a large shopping mall, then at the station, and now on the train. The only difference from my usual pictures today was that I don't think a single person among those who caught my eye smoked.


I don't know how much longer I'll keep writing posts like this. They can be incredibly boring, even for forum members, even though they've only seen the post three or four times.


The problem is, my brain doesn't get bored with them anymore, and it repeats them over and over again. But can you blame me? It's simply a constant pain that keeps hurting me. My situation is simply one that can't be accepted...

 

[extremelyugly]

I feel the exact same way as you do, so this is like I wrote them... except I'm definitely way dumber than you (and most people) are , but I also keep repeating to myself all of it, in case "unc" (my unconscious brain) has the stupid idea of having "hope". This is what I say to you, unc: Just stay put, you fucking cunt, your hope is what brought me right here.

I don't think this is boring, but I'm biased as you can see. For me, I just have to remind myself I'm extremely ugly and that's the only way I'm perceived (not average, not below average, definitely not attractive, but HIDEOUS), otherwise unc will try to squeeze some inconsequential and frankly ridiculous positive thought on me so I backpedal on my investigation of CTB-ing. No. Back to your cell bitch.

I hope you understand that this is not fair, and at the obvious risk of sounding "woe is me", only those who have this issue can understand how garbage life is with it. But of course, life isn't fair and all (as if knowing this makes it easier pfft). Sorry that I'm not good with words, but I'm quite illiterate frankly so, this is it.

 

[fkyou]

Same.. seeing people outside fills me with grief..like an imposter between them... very sad and lost