Help Ethics/practicality of looking for love while mentally unwell?

[OrcWitch]

I started therapy last week and it's paid for through my school tuition. The lady I am talking to is talking with me about a 3 year emotionally/physically abusive relationship I was in and the lasting symptoms from it. We talked about the possibility of dating again with boundaries and self respect established, she seems to think it would be good for me so long as I do not tolerate redflags and mistreatment. However I haven't told her that I currently have suicidal ideation. I have no plans to tell her this aspect about myself and just want to work on the ptsd, if I say I'm suicidal it will ruin everything. It's like all I can do is lie by omission(or lie if asked directly), or face the possibility of being sent to the torture dungeon where we have to play pretend and obey all commands in order to escape.

On one hand it would make me feel better, as I'm pretty isolated. My only real life friend moved away, and all my classes are online during covid. I miss how we used to take turns holding each other in bed. I have not felt human contact since hugging her goodbye. I would like to speak to someone regularly and to feel the touch of another human being again. On the other hand it feels like an unfair thing to go looking for love with this intention, only to have this secret suicidal ideation I keep from him. I don't know if it would fix me or give me another reason to live, I think my isolation probably contributes to my unwellness. Part of what keeps me hopeful is imagining a future where I have those things.

It is like human companionship would definitely soothe the pains of this mental state, but seeking human companionship is unfair as people are not mere tools to achieve happiness.

Have any of you sought romantic relationships while like this? I know some of you are in longterm relationships/marriages currently, but did you find your spouse while you were suffering?

 

[summers]

Being divorced is the best thing that has happened for me socially. My recommendation is don't look for love. Look for friends, and add the benefits for the ones you think are cute or turn you on. No comments, no expectations. It's a lot more fun this way.

Also, maybe be willing to experiment with someone of the same sex - being bi opens up so many more possibilities and new experiences.

 

[everydayiloveyou]

Do you know how section-happy your psych is? There are many clinicians who disagree with over-hospitalization, and on a base level most clinicians these days know the difference between suicidal ideation and planning. What I do is tell my psych that my plans are years out. But in my case I'm being honest, I don't have any materials or anything and it's pretty much all in my head so that might be why I don't have issues. It's your choice, but I find that it's important for your psych to know you experience SI so that they can cater your treatment to your experiences.

anyways back to your question -- humans are social beings and we crave social closeness because that's what has helped us survive for thousands of generations. It's not bad to want love and to seek it. It's natural, and it's good, considering it is in normal ranges ofc but to me it sounds like you're experiencing very normal loneliness and desire for companionship.

Maybe try rephrasing this desire. In my opinion it doesn't sound at all like you're "using" people as tools to achieve happiness. You clearly enjoy being close with others and feel sad about being alone. So you wanting companionship is a healthy thing, you are correctly identifying your emotions and a possible coping mechanism for them. That's a very good thing, and everyone does this. When non-mentally ill people are lonely they also go to their friends and seek out companionship.

There's many people with and without mental illness looking for love and friendship. For most of them, a true connection is worth more than being able to say "this person I love is not suicidal." It may be a challenge in your relationship but it doesn't need to be a barrier, and maybe by being honest about these things with someone you trust, you can heal from this or at least cope with it in a healthier way.

 

[Flare]

I reckon finding a relationship for the sake of finding a relationship might help. Optimal results, I think, would happen if you found someone who's also emotionally distressed as you (or is at least understanding) so that you wouldn't have to hide your "true self", so to speak.

And good luck with that, although it's definitely possible.

And as the user above me already stated, looking for companionship, romantic or otherwise, doesn't necessarily imply you're looking to exploit them for your own gain. It's natural to seek for someone to be by your side.

 

[OrcWitch]

I guess I just take it to heart the way anti-choice people call us selfish sometimes. I don't want to cause emotional distress and grief for someone who I otherwise didn't need to meet. I agree it's normal to want someone. I think I might be overthinking things and am in my head too much today.

Thank you for the insight everyone.

Do you know how section-happy your psych is? There are many clinicians who disagree with over-hospitalization, and on a base level most clinicians these days know the difference between suicidal ideation and planning. What I do is tell my psych that my plans are years out. But in my case I'm being honest, I don't have any materials or anything and it's pretty much all in my head so that might be why I don't have issues. It's your choice, but I find that it's important for your psych to know you experience SI so that they can cater your treatment to your experiences.

anyways back to your question -- humans are social beings and we crave social closeness because that's what has helped us survive for thousands of generations. It's not bad to want love and to seek it. It's natural, and it's good, considering it is in normal ranges ofc but to me it sounds like you're experiencing very normal loneliness and desire for companionship.

Maybe try rephrasing this desire. In my opinion it doesn't sound at all like you're "using" people as tools to achieve happiness. You clearly enjoy being close with others and feel sad about being alone. So you wanting companionship is a healthy thing, you are correctly identifying your emotions and a possible coping mechanism for them. That's a very good thing, and everyone does this. When non-mentally ill people are lonely they also go to their friends and seek out companionship.

There's many people with and without mental illness looking for love and friendship. For most of them, a true connection is worth more than being able to say "this person I love is not suicidal." It may be a challenge in your relationship but it doesn't need to be a barrier, and maybe by being honest about these things with someone you trust, you can heal from this or at least cope with it in a healthier way.

That's true I don't know how hospital trigger-happy she is. I just had a very horrible experience with it and was mad at myself for ending up there. The beds were so stiff that I formed bruises on my hips just from sleeping, the food was disgusting and many of my inmates had disgusting table manners. I was giving my food to this guy and lying and pretending I was finishing my plate so that the counselor overseeing us didn't note that I was not eating. Someone kept trying to bully me while inside, like I was a kid in school. A guard would crack my door open over and over to make sure I wasn't trying to kill myself, and the beam of light would keep waking me up because I'm a light sleeper. There are aspects to why I hated it that I don't feel like sharing here, but it felt like a violation of my rights.

My plans truthfully are years out I think. I have this vague desire to not live that is more intense on some days, and I know exactly how I will do it efficiently, but it's not like I am actively at risk of doing it right this moment. I suppose I could tell her that I just don't want to risk my freedom.

 

[everydayiloveyou]

I guess I just take it to heart the way anti-choice people call us selfish sometimes. I don't want to cause emotional distress and grief for someone who I otherwise didn't need to meet. I agree it's normal to want someone. I think I might be overthinking things and am in my head too much today.

Thank you for the insight everyone.



That's true I don't know how hospital trigger-happy she is. I just had a very horrible experience with it and was mad at myself for ending up there. The beds were so stiff that I formed bruises on my hips just from sleeping, the food was disgusting and many of my inmates had disgusting table manners. I was giving my food to this guy and lying and pretending I was finishing my plate so that the counselor overseeing us didn't note that I was not eating. Someone kept trying to bully me while inside, like I was a kid in school. A guard would crack my door open over and over to make sure I wasn't trying to kill myself, and the beam of light would keep waking me up because I'm a light sleeper. There are aspects to why I hated it that I don't feel like sharing here, but it felt like a violation of my rights.

My plans truthfully are years out I think. I have this vague desire to not live that is more intense on some days, and I know exactly how I will do it efficiently, but it's not like I am actively at risk of doing it right this moment. I suppose I could tell her that I just don't want to risk my freedom.

I totally understand. With that background I definitely understand not wanting to go into details. I wouldn't recommend it either. A psych who's usually pretty chill about SI can go totally nuts about it if you've self-harmed or been sectioned before. I guess you can still ask but if it isn't relevant to your treatment, I get it and it's your choice and your journey!

I've told my psych the exact same thing as you. When it comes up I try to explain the pro-choice mindset and emphasize that it's a very logical thought process and also a personal belief, much like assisted euthanasia for other circumstances. I guess therapists are paranoid our families will sue, even though afaik it has never happened except in justifiable circumstances (e.g. clinician encourages/belittles patient to do it or as inappropriate contact with them)

 

[themanwithoutaplan]

A slightly different perspective, you may find someone who gets a lot of comfort and support by being in a relationship with you. So it could be mutually beneficial.

For me, my partner is on the spectrum and he is very understanding and supportive when I'm dealing with depression. So we help each other out.

 

[hans0solo]

the saneist/ableist world, wants to pathologize mad people -- turning 'happiness' into 'mania'. the need for touch with being 'needy'. the need for platonic touch is human. and mad people desire sex like anyone else. cats or dogs work as platonic touch. or pillows. or message. and if you are not whorephobic, sex workers. also happiness is something we all want. and to be seen -- having someone to see our deepest parts. feeling suicidal is not an alien feeling to a real human. particuarly in a capitalist, ableist world. I would try to ask the therapist if they understand the difference between suicidial feeling and intent and how they react and if they would give you a heads up if go into 'section' territory.

 

[CFLoser]

It's not right.

You are setting them and yourself up for failure, it's a lie to act any other way.

You WILL fuck up people around you if you're not mentally sound. People act like they are the exception to the rule when everyone who deals with a shitty person gets hurt in the end. Fuck man, but you dont fall into the same categorey as everyone else even if you think you do.

 

[Somebody]

It honestly depends on you and your significant other. I think communication is the key to any relationship, and if you can do that well, you'll be fine. DO NOT listen to these posts about you not deserving of love because you are broken/need to fix yourself first. You deserve love if you can reciprocate those feelings. You are not treating her as mere means for yourself because all relationships are reciprocal and transactional to a certain degree. I am sure if this person loved you they would understand what you are going through and be there for you just like you would.
Be happy ~R

 

[Pluto]

I think this is a really good question.

I tried meeting new people earlier in the year and ultimately failed because I came across as too 'needy'. But the neediness is real in the most literal sense; it feels like rejection is a death sentence, because it kind of is.

One thing that I did learn is that people who have had very sheltered lives will have no respect or empathy for us. But of course people who are badly broken can be quite unstable. But if a match is just right, it could be a real blessing.