...I would certainly OD on them.
I had an appointment with my therapist it was good. We only talked on love issues though. She ignored it when I told her I have stronger suicidal thoughts though. I think this was not that smart of her. I have the feeling I need an Ivy League educated professor to solve my problems. I don't think a random therapist can do that. But I will try with her.
I have a guilty conscience towards my parents when I ctb. I clearly become more depressed since Sunday. My mixed manic depressive episodes might evolve into a depressive episode. The depression is pretty strong in the evening. At least I don't crash from mania into depression anymore. I fucking hate that feeling.
I don't think her suggestions concerning my love issues are very promising. It might only fuel my depression even more. Maybe it is good for her not to know what is at stake at this game.
The first appointment I had the feeling she did not want me as a patient. This time she really wanted me as a patient. She noticed that I felt stomach sickness which was impressive. I think if I cross my pain limit in a severe way I will ctb no matter of her. I think no suicide contract or anything could stop me of that. I did not sign one though. I won't have that much of a guilty conscience towards her. The impact on my parents will be way way worse. It might kill my parents. But I cannot stomach it much longer.
I sleep pretty long which is a big sign for developing a depression. I am sleeping until 8:30-9 a.m. without sleeping pills which is like a miracle for me. I wonder whether it will be a major depression soon.
This soldier is pretty pretty tired of fighting. I want to retire. I am wounded. Someone cut off my legs and I am expected run a marathon. People spit and step on me. I have no more dignity. If I want to free myself of it I get locked up in a horrible psych ward which was similar to prison. I am desperate. At least I have still this forum.
I had an appointment with my therapist it was good. We only talked on love issues though. She ignored it when I told her I have stronger suicidal thoughts though. I think this was not that smart of her. I have the feeling I need an Ivy League educated professor to solve my problems. I don't think a random therapist can do that. But I will try with her.
I have a guilty conscience towards my parents when I ctb. I clearly become more depressed since Sunday. My mixed manic depressive episodes might evolve into a depressive episode. The depression is pretty strong in the evening. At least I don't crash from mania into depression anymore. I fucking hate that feeling.
I don't think her suggestions concerning my love issues are very promising. It might only fuel my depression even more. Maybe it is good for her not to know what is at stake at this game.
The first appointment I had the feeling she did not want me as a patient. This time she really wanted me as a patient. She noticed that I felt stomach sickness which was impressive. I think if I cross my pain limit in a severe way I will ctb no matter of her. I think no suicide contract or anything could stop me of that. I did not sign one though. I won't have that much of a guilty conscience towards her. The impact on my parents will be way way worse. It might kill my parents. But I cannot stomach it much longer.
I sleep pretty long which is a big sign for developing a depression. I am sleeping until 8:30-9 a.m. without sleeping pills which is like a miracle for me. I wonder whether it will be a major depression soon.
This soldier is pretty pretty tired of fighting. I want to retire. I am wounded. Someone cut off my legs and I am expected run a marathon. People spit and step on me. I have no more dignity. If I want to free myself of it I get locked up in a horrible psych ward which was similar to prison. I am desperate. At least I have still this forum.
