Venting Suicide due to heartbreak

[Plutopolis]

I am currently going through the most horrible heartbreak. Completely my fault because I broke up with her. It's been like this for a while, about a year. But it is what it is.

I've been suicidal in school time and pretty much since I was 13 or 14 (26 now). But just want to write here to vent I guess. This heartbreak has really made me feel suicidal.

I'm wondering if anyone is going through similar. I know what it's like to be lonely as well and the pain of that which causes suicidal ideation. But I lived long enough to be with a girl I never thought I would be with, only for me to mess it up royally. So now I am left with this loneliness and regret too. And the good memories are just as painful as they can never happen again.

 

[AuroraB]

Much empathy. I left a 10 year relationship over 4.5 years ago and have been no contact. Not one day goes by that I don't think of him but not enough to CTB over him. Relationships are very difficult and even long lasting ones are not "happily ever after." Relationships are hard core struggle. Hope you feel stronger soon.

 

[afternoontea]

Yeah, my depression ruined my relationship a little over a year ago. She was the only person that I had opened up to about a few select bad memories of mine, and she helped me through a lot of my mental hardship. She has suicidal ideation before too so she understood how I felt.

But after a year or so of me being an emotional wreck & neet and me not doing anything to contribute to the romantic or intimate side of our relationship, we had a complicated and kind of messy break up. I understand why she broke up with me, and I think it was the right choice, but I still do miss her. Especially as a friend. She's such a great person to talk to. I had moved away shortly after the breakup and we told each other we would still want to be friends but we both suck at initiating conversations through texts and I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't really want to be my friend anymore. I said a few nasty things to her during the breakup and I was basically a giant ball and chain for the latter half.

Maybe if I get better we can reconnect again, though that's probably a bad idea (reconnecting with your ex usually makes people feel weird, even platonically). Plus, she has a gf now and they're happy together from what I can tell. And I'm happy for her.

I hope I can find a partner like her, who shares my interests and is kind, in the future if I get better. But even if I do get better, I would be scared of becoming depressed again and I never want to subject a future partner to that again

 

[Plutopolis]

Thank you for the responses! It is nice to know that people are out there who can empathise with me. The tough part is the loneliness in not sharing this pain with anyone.

The constant thoughts and pain in my heart every waking moment is just torturous. The problem as well is I am still in contact with her. I had blocked her for a bit and tried no contact but I keep failing to keep it. Either I unblock her or if I see her I go and talk to her. And we live nearby so it is quite likely I'll bump into her from time to time.

I hope to you both that things get better for you. Hopefully we can ride the waves and keep afloat.