NSFW Erotomania/Hypersexuality is ruining my life.

[Bcfgjk1]

Context: I'm female and a virgin. Ever since I was a child, I've been abused (mentally, physically, and sexually) and I never stopped being harassed (physically/sexually) as an adult.

There's making love, then there's having sex. Making love is...making love. It's slow and sweet--but having sex? Having sex is disgusting. It's rough. I go back and forth between craving the two.

Every guy, every single guy, I talk to, I anger by being mentally ill, so we'll argue, then I sexualize it. I want them to punish me. At the same time, I want them to hold me. It's ruining my life.

It's a little horrific, but, as of late, as I watch porn and masturbate, I've begun to fantasize about my abuser from childhood and my father (My father has never touched me and, frankly, isn't even in my life).

I am lost and I need help.

 

[Ozzyno]

Ever tried talking to a therapist about this? This is not the right place to get 'help', here you can find emotional support, not professional help.

 

[Bcfgjk1]

Ever tried talking to a therapist about this? This is not the right place to get 'help', here you can find emotional support, not professional help.

No. I'm too ashamed.

 

[Ozzyno]

No. I'm too ashamed.

It's literally their job, they are not gonna laugh at you or shame you in any way. What do you expect people here are gonna do with those information? We can be empathetic, that's it. Any form of 'suggestion' to solve your problem could be more harmful than helpful since we cannot analyse your personality through a phone, and I really doubt there are many psychiatrists here in SS working for free during their free time.

If YOU want to share more about your feelings or experiences you can do it though, I will definitely read them. But my only suggestion is to get professional help, since your problems are pretty severe.

 

[InAgony]

No. I'm too ashamed.

If you find it's just too difficult to say to a therapist, you might find it easier if you write it down for them to read initially. I did this quite a lot with my therapist. It breaks that difficult barrier of silence and then you can go on to talk about the subject more in depth once they know what the problem is. The initial revelation of the problem is the hard part and then it will become so much easier to talk about.

 

[Worndown]

There is no shame in your situation. Victim is the word here.
Abusers, they SHOULD feel shame but seldom do. They are broken and end up breaking others.

 

[Ethel]

No. I'm too ashamed.

Thanks for speaking out about hypersexuality and erotomania,It's quite the...weird and shameful topic,I have both of those things and I hate to talk about with anyone even if it's a big sore spot in life I can't get rid of
I'm able to manage mine (kinda of) but I truly hope you can find help with therapy or with something else...
Hypersexuality became easier to manage once I stopped doing it as form of intimacy or connection, but I still have it as a form to "fight" depression

 

[divinemistress87]

Emdr therapy can be helpful for trauma. I hear hypersexuality is common in abuse survivors . Pain and pleasure go together and wanting to gain back a sense of control

 

[Bcfgjk1]

If you find it's just too difficult to say to a therapist, you might find it easier if you write it down for them to read initially. I did this quite a lot with my therapist. It breaks that difficult barrier of silence and then you can go on to talk about the subject more in depth once they know what the problem is. The initial revelation of the problem is the hard part and then it will become so much easier to talk about.

1. I do my pyschiatry/therapy online. I've tried to schedule in-person appointments, but we always, ALWAYS end up online. (I didn't start to receive help 'til this year, so I'm guessing I missed out on pre-COVID-19 mental health outpatient care; but I'd say mental health inpatient care has remained the same, right? That's the only time I talk to a psychiatrist/therapist in-person.)
2. I guess I'm traumatized from the time I talked to a detective about my abuser (babysitter's husband). I was still a child, so the detective told me I could write it down if it made me feel better. Only to repeat it back to me. I don't blame her, I guess.
A. It's not psychiatry/therapy. It's an investigation.
B. We were being recorded, so she had to get my testimony on video, but I didn't like it.