empty head

[VigilanteWithViolin]

I tried to write something in my diary because I've been keeping them since childhood and it always helped me put my thoughts in order, but I realized that I had no thoughts. Everything goes over and over again, the same thing, it's the things that put pressure on me, make me nervous and unhappy. I keep thinking back to people, to situations, to dialogues that have upset me mentally, and I can't get rid of these thoughts.
My sedative is shit with the collection of some herbs, of course, it doesn't help. I can't read, I can't write, I've become a hostage to these shitty thoughts. So far, the only things that help me are the routine things that I hate, but at least when I do them, my mind goes blank and I'm not distracted by triggers.
I keep thinking about how easy it would be to take a laptop cord or a robe belt and just hang myself, especially since I'm almost constantly suffocating and probably even a slight pressure will make me lose consciousness.
I'm going to my weekly Saturday meeting with my old company tomorrow, and I'm not sure if I have the energy to pretend to be carefree and cheerful. I think I'm only going there to pick up my book order on the way...

 

[lost_one]

As someone who writes a lot, and in doing so is very aware of how repetitive I am, and my thoughts are. I am sorry for how you are feeling, it must really suck. What I do to try and distract myself or shift my focus is to try and think of something I can do to someone else, but there are other things I really like the weekly chanllenge thread it gives me something to focus my mind on, but without too much pressure. My therapist has also told me if I am feeling pressures or anxious or angry to look around choose and object and describe it in the most amount of details possible, its kind off dumb, but it kind of works. Maybe try to talk to someone in your satuday meeting, maybe there is someone else there who feels the same as you. Also about the diary, try and just describe the things you did in the day, try to highlight the positive ones, try to be proud no matter how small the achievement. Like i bruched my teeth today, good job. Cause it can be really hard to do that sometimes. Good luck

 

[VigilanteWithViolin]

As someone who writes a lot, and in doing so is very aware of how repetitive I am, and my thoughts are. I am sorry for how you are feeling, it must really suck. What I do to try and distract myself or shift my focus is to try and think of something I can do to someone else, but there are other things I really like the weekly chanllenge thread it gives me something to focus my mind on, but without too much pressure. My therapist has also told me if I am feeling pressures or anxious or angry to look around choose and object and describe it in the most amount of details possible, its kind off dumb, but it kind of works. Maybe try to talk to someone in your satuday meeting, maybe there is someone else there who feels the same as you. Also about the diary, try and just describe the things you did in the day, try to highlight the positive ones, try to be proud no matter how small the achievement. Like i bruched my teeth today, good job. Cause it can be really hard to do that sometimes. Good luck

Thank you for your support! Yes, I've heard that this technique sometimes helps to distract yourself - when you find one object on which you fully focus your attention, something neutral like a lamp or pencil. I'll probably have to try to do that. Music and reciting mantras used to help me, but lately I haven't been in control of my thoughts. Anyway, thanks again for the reply, I'll try to pull myself together.