Eating Disorders Support Megathread

[cgrtt.brns]

Spoiler: binge vent

i binged today like the disgusting fucking piece of shit i am and now my stomach feels so warm its like my bodies reminding me and punishing me for binging its so uncomfortable and overstimulating i want to throw up but its late at night and id wake my parents plus the binge was in the afternoon so i doubt id get anything up i just want to rip my stomach out im so disgusting

 

[deomlez]

It s so hard to read what you re going through and the violence against yourself...

 

[ejt]

Things have been very difficult lately. I was just in the hospital for over two months for persistent suicidal ideation. I have treatment-resistant depression (I've tried so many treatments, including two rounds of ECT), generalized anxiety disorder, skin picking disorder, and bulimia. Fortunately, it was not an ED hospital so I was able to get by eating "safe" foods, but everyone there knew about the bulimia so my doctor ordered a consultation with a top ED specialist and I'm really scared about that. I feel like she's going to think I'm fat and a waste of time, since I'm a "normal" weight now and symptoms aren't really that bad compared to where they've been in the past. Anyway, I've made one failed attempt in the week since I was discharged. Waking up was so disappointing. Next step is SN, which I've had in my drawer for a few months. Every time I act on an ED behavior I hope for it to kill me but in 20+ years that hasn't happened so I need to try something else. I appreciate all the doctors and professionals who have tried to help me but I feel like I just can't do this anymore.

 

[cryvinglightning]

giving this a shot because i found the thread for me. i have been bulimic and a binge eater since 6th grade, but i was formally diagnosed only two years ago. i thought i was doing better because i got on a diet plan and began going to the gym as a way to pick myself up, but my fear of getting stuck being overweight for any longer made me relapse in my bulimic behaviors. i'm so obsessed with food and my appearance that they consume all of my waking thoughts and they have done so before i even got a period.
i can't put anything in my mouth without guilt, i can't purge without guilt, i can't exercise normally because i always think i could do more. i've lost and gained the same weight over and over and over and i tried to CTB so many times because of my looks. sometimes i think i should just let bulimia do its job and kill me while i'm vomiting. i'd rather that than keeping this charade going.

 

[Division Day]

It's such a horrible thing to have to go through. I've fought so hard with eating and I'm so tired.

I have ARFID, which usually is more about people having aversions to lumpy food or vegetables or whatever but in my case it's the energy that scares me. When things are bad (like right now) I get so scared that just about any food feels impossible and a piece of pasta will give me a panic attack. I'm not quite there yet (tho I'm eating little enough that I feel dizzy when I stand and can't walk far) but I've had times where I just couldn't and stopped eating entirely. And after getting a referral to the ED service and going through their treatment plan, I'm being discharged tomorrow with apparently no permanent progress made. So that's why I suddenly wanted to CTB more than usual.

 

[snowcloud9]

It's such a horrible thing to have to go through. I've fought so hard with eating and I'm so tired.

I have ARFID, which usually is more about people having aversions to lumpy food or vegetables or whatever but in my case it's the energy that scares me. When things are bad (like right now) I get so scared that just about any food feels impossible and a piece of pasta will give me a panic attack. I'm not quite there yet (tho I'm eating little enough that I feel dizzy when I stand and can't walk far) but I've had times where I just couldn't and stopped eating entirely. And after getting a referral to the ED service and going through their treatment plan, I'm being discharged tomorrow with apparently no permanent progress made. So that's why I suddenly wanted to CTB more than usual.

Oh, I have ARFID too! It acts up when anxiety disorder acts up and when I smell food I get dizzy, and if I try to eat it I gag it back up, Maybe we can be recovery buddies.

 

[Division Day]

Oh, I have ARFID too! It acts up when anxiety disorder acts up and when I smell food I get dizzy, and if I try to eat it I gag it back up, Maybe we can be recovery buddies.

I've never had a recovery buddy and I don't know what that involves, but it might be nice not to be the only one.

 

[Jezzibell]

giving this a shot because i found the thread for me. i have been bulimic and a binge eater since 6th grade, but i was formally diagnosed only two years ago. i thought i was doing better because i got on a diet plan and began going to the gym as a way to pick myself up, but my fear of getting stuck being overweight for any longer made me relapse in my bulimic behaviors. i'm so obsessed with food and my appearance that they consume all of my waking thoughts and they have done so before i even got a period.
i can't put anything in my mouth without guilt, i can't purge without guilt, i can't exercise normally because i always think i could do more. i've lost and gained the same weight over and over and over and i tried to CTB so many times because of my looks. sometimes i think i should just let bulimia do its job and kill me while i'm vomiting. i'd rather that than keeping this charade going.

I'm so sorry. Your struggle is real and difficult to gave to cope with especially with the added pressure of not liking yourself. Sometimes we build these things up. I am a very honest person. Dm me a pic and ill give you an honest description of what I see

 

[Dot]

I'm so sorry. Your struggle is real and difficult to gave to cope with especially with the added pressure of not liking yourself. Sometimes we build these things up. I am a very honest person. Dm me a pic and ill give you an honest description of what I see

Thnk = imprtnt t/ remmbr tht whtevr ths membr lks lke th/ issu of bulmia = mch deepr thn a phto & ppl suffrng wll lk diffrnt thru-out dffrnt stges of thr jrney & illnss

 

[godsseepiestsoldier]

Not going to go into too much detail but i think it would be good to put it somewhere. I go through extreme periods of overeating or extreme annorexia. Usually ill overeat (having 3 quite large meals a day with some sugary snacks) and end up putting on enough weight where ill start just start to cross into the overweight (but not obese) or sometimes about halfway. Obviously it makes me feel quite self concious but i dont talk yo anyone and i live in darkness so i dont rlly notice however then ill move back home for about a week or 2 (sometimes 3 months if its the summer) and my family, old friends and extended family quickly pick up on my weight gain and either make fun of it or start telling me to lose weight. When i go back i stop eating usually only having some raw sugar or sweetener for a bit of energy when i need to go to the bathroom or something. I just lay in bed and eat almost nothing for 3 months as even if i wanted to i wouldnt have the energy to make food. I think the main problem is when i lose so much weight i get praised and when i gain weight i get bullied quite a bit which forces me into this cycle and i cant rlly talk about it irl as no one ik believes in mental health and the few who kinda do believe annorexia is a disorder for women

 

[cgrtt.brns]

Not going to go into too much detail but i think it would be good to put it somewhere. I go through extreme periods of overeating or extreme annorexia. Usually ill overeat (having 3 quite large meals a day with some sugary snacks) and end up putting on enough weight where ill start just start to cross into the overweight (but not obese) or sometimes about halfway. Obviously it makes me feel quite self concious but i dont talk yo anyone and i live in darkness so i dont rlly notice however then ill move back home for about a week or 2 (sometimes 3 months if its the summer) and my family, old friends and extended family quickly pick up on my weight gain and either make fun of it or start telling me to lose weight. When i go back i stop eating usually only having some raw sugar or sweetener for a bit of energy when i need to go to the bathroom or something. I just lay in bed and eat almost nothing for 3 months as even if i wanted to i wouldnt have the energy to make food. I think the main problem is when i lose so much weight i get praised and when i gain weight i get bullied quite a bit which forces me into this cycle and i cant rlly talk about it irl as no one ik believes in mental health and the few who kinda do believe annorexia is a disorder for women

im so sorry you're family and "friends" cause you this much suffering, that's such a horrible thing to put someone through. i hope eventually they stop doing this or that you don't have to be around them and deal with them anymore. eating disorders and mental illnesses in general don't discriminate, it's such a shame that so many people still don't realise or accept this. i wish you all the best.

 

[Ε. Η. R.]

@Homulily
It's horrible - the way your girlfriends treated you. I'm so sorry for you.
I know that you probably won't listen to this, but you shouldn't love those who treated you so cruelly. And your last girlfriend. they, she caused you a lot of pain.
Care about yourself, about your health.

 

[Ε. Η. R.]

I know that many here would like to get rid of Anorexia. But for me Anorexia, Orthorexia (like Beauty) - were, remain the main rules, pillars in my life.
I have successfully followed these principles for many years in the past. I was happy.
Then, in 2018, terrible things happened in my life. I began to experience severe depression. I violated my postulates about Anorexia, Orthorexia.
Last year, at the end of August, I returned to Anorexia, Orthorexia. But, unfortunately, my ocd has worsened (compulsions).

To such an extent that I spent days at the sink (which didn't happen before). Haven't eaten for over a day. So I gave up in 2023 and came back to overeating, and then to not-good food.
By August I understood how to defeat ocd compulsions. I decided to return to Anorexia, Orthorexia once and for all. By the 25th. I was preparing to purge myself within 11 days. But I made a stupid mistake. As a result, I was unable to prepare for the appointed day.
Since that moment severe depression returned to me. This is what primarily influenced my decision to kill myself faster.
I feel terrible.

 

[figcitylightscookie]

I have a binge eating disorder, and it's gotten to the point where I gained 20 pounds without even realizing it. I currently weigh 340 lbs, and I hate it. I wish I could grab a pair of scissors and cut all the fat off me. I think I would be much happier if I were thin.

 

[nembutal]

my bulimia is back full swing. i wish it were lethal. constant pull towards food, then comes the instant regret and puking. it's gotten so bad i can bend over and force my stomach contents out with my muscles. i gained 20 lbs in rehab because i was constantly binging and not getting everything back up. now i can't lose the extra weight. i look disgusting and deformed. i don't want to live like this anymore.

 

[vertigokandy]

This one is more of a rant cuz i am overweight too and this touched my soul.

I have dealt with an ED since i was 10yo i used to leave food inside my lunchbag or backpack till it rotted away. I was and still am annoyingly chubby even in the peak of my ED when i counted my calories and starved myself on the reg i was still fucking overweight and i hated when i was complimented by my loss of weight. I felt so high and like a piece of shit, right now my eating clock is so fucked i forget to eat and my family absolutely do not help my recovery at all... I sometimes think that if they were silent i could actually get better... But right now i'm still a fat fuck (75 kilos more than 20 kilos over my average and i'm 5 feet tall). All my family is chubby except the ones that aren't (does that make sense?) My 'curvy' body i have been told over and over is just part of my genetics but why does it have to be me? Why can't i be fucking normal instead? All the people that i see going all "big girls this" "big girls that" "all bodies are beautiful" why aren't they the ones with the fucked up genetics? Why is it that even after i live off liquids i can't get rid of this round face and chubby cheeks? I can't find the strength to make myself puke anymore, i just eat once per day but still i will never be enough.

Rant over~ ʕ ꈍᴥꈍʔ

 

[kilowatt]

My last attempt was at the beginning of this year and since then I developed the worst ED I've ever had. I have always counted my calories subconsciously, like a habit, every since I was in my early teens, but most of the time it would only be 200-400 calories less than average. Just enough to maintain my weight. Up until the point I got really depressed and the only thing that kept me going was satisfying my cravings. When I finally came to the realization I gained weight (people pointed it out) I got absolutely fixated on it again and I cannot break back. Unfortunately my own current wish is to go deeper into my anorexia and make a significant difference. I can't deal with being average.

 

[cgrtt.brns]

originally wrote this at the end of a how are you feeling thread post but decided it was probably too much to not put in a specific thread idk dont bother reading it its stupid i just needed to scream into the void

Spoiler: rant

i ate too much today and didnt throw it up quick enough so im gonna have to not eat anything tomorrow. funny thing happened the other day, before my psych appointment i was paranoid and overthinking about her asking me if id gained weight since my last appointment 3 months ago, decided i was just being dumb and she probably wouldnt even say anything or notice, and then one of the first things she said was "have you lost weight?" which stopped me in my tracks lmao and kinda pissed me off bc i havent told anyone about it so now its on her radar but also validated me bc someone actually noticed but also made me feel like shit bc if ive lost a noticeable amount of weight i mustve looked even fatter 3 months ago than i do now and all she could see was my face bc it was a video call and my face is the part im most self conscious about weight wise and she said i dont have to gain weight i just have to eat healthily but eating healthily will make me gain weight and if i look fat even when im actively starving myself i cant stop now bc ill just look disgusting and the self hatred will be so severe its like its constantly bubbling and boiling up inside me and i just have to die bc nothing else will help. i fucking hate food. why do i have to be so obsessed with eating sugary fatty high calorie junk, why does nothing else feel the same as eating junk food, why does it have to make me so fat, i wish i could rip my disgusting organs out so i didnt have to eat. i hope i starve to death. i can already tell my weights plateauing the way im eating now so im gonna have to go back to starving for days. i hope i get so bad that i go months with out eating. why do i have such little self control. why am i so fucking pathetic and worthless.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

This is a thread that I'll likely regularly contribute to. I have a chronic ED and I've cycled through the full spectrum of eating disorders over the course of more than a decade. I'm in my early 20s and I know that I'm young but the future looks bleak.

My ED is a coping mechanism for PTSD resulting from childhood trauma, as well as a way my chronically low self esteem manifests. No matter how hard I try, my past is always hanging over my head.

At the moment I'm in a phase where I'm maintaining close to a healthy weight range and eating reasonably normally, so that I can distract myself using my physically demanding job. It seems to work better than starving myself until everything disappears behind the brain fog, because starving myself inevitably leads to forced hospitalization, weight gain, and further trauma.

 

[nembutal]

-50 lbs gone since january, i've resorted to bping around 1-2 times a day. 19 bmi, gw is 17. i haven't digested a meal in months. anorexia is fucking stupid because what am i planning to do when i hit gw, miraculously gain all of my physical energy back and conquer all that pains me? gonna keep being suicidal just die hotter.

 

[cgrtt.brns]

Spoiler: vent

i feel so much better mentally when i dont eat its weird. ive been restricting to omad for nearly a week but i had two today bc we had some mushrooms that were gonna be thrown out and i hate seeing food go to waste so i made smthn with them, i feel bad for eating so much and i couldnt reliably count my calories but i think im probably at my limit for today, but my mums making me have strawberries and ice cream later and im terrified that im gonna feel the need to purge. i havent purged since ive been omad and i felt so much better, i fucking hate purging cuz i can never get enough up. im scared this is gonna fuck it all up and im gonna go back to bping but i rly dont want to i fucking hate it. i just gotta stick to omad again after today and remember not to eat lunch bc my mum just randomly makes dinner and never tells me when or what it is. i cant wait until i move out so i can be independent with my food intake but thatll probably never happen bc im pathetic and cant get a job.

edit: nvm i managed to get away with not eating the strawberries and ice cream today, super glad about that bc i honestly feel rly sick from how much ive already eaten. hopefully ill worm my way out of eating the ice cream tmrw and just have the strawberries, i still have a bunch of left overs to eat bc my mum just keeps making stuff at least my meals are kinda planned for lol

 

[bed]

no idea if i have an eating disorder since im not formally diagnosed but ive struggled with eating for a long time. it's been getting harder lately to eat and i have to force feed myself when i become too weak or dizzy from not eating. weirdly enough my mental feels a lot more clear when i dont eat multiple meals a day, similar to @cgrtt.brns in that regard. my chronic pain is also not as bad it seems but it's definitely not sustainable.

 

[DeathSleep]

I have not been diagnosed with an eating disorder probably because I really don't talk about it but somethings not right. I've had a problem with food for as long as I can remember. If I want something then I order 2 or more of it. I eat like I haven't had food for a long time. I go through periods where I hate myself for it and then try not eating or eating very little. Doing that never works out. It lasts a short amount of time and then I'll way over do it the next time I eat. I don't just eat until I'm full. I eat until I'm disgusted with myself. I'm surprised I don't weigh more. I have a fairly small frame so I am overweight for my size. It doesn't help my body image issues.

So much of my money goes to food. I'm always stunned when I add up how much I spend in a week. I would save so much money if I would just eat "normally". There's more that I'd like to do but I live with a roommate and don't want to draw any more attention to my food problems than I already have. My roommate has already suggested that I have a problem. I really should talk to a doctor or whoever about this and see if I do have an eating disorder or if I'm just stupid.

 

[Mx_Pathetic]

I feel abit alone, alot of people on this mega thread talk about how skinny (small) they are and about anorexia or other disorders that struggle with being small. I've always had body dysmorphia and when I was 16 I was so small, I'm 5'5 and I was about 50-65kg the only reason I stopped was because I couldn't lie down or sit because it hurt so much. I'm currently turning 22 in April and I weigh at least over 100kg. I struggle alot with binge eatting, I used to vomit it up or starve myself for days when I was younger but now, I just feel sad everytime I eat. But it's also a comfort thing. I don't look at my weight so I wouldn't be shocked if I was over 130kg by now. I'm a picky eater which contributes to what I eat. I know this isn't something I should ask but other then changing what I eat or exercising what can I do to lose weight? Eat less? Have cold showers? Drink cold water? I'm not trying to recover I'm actually trying to go back to being skinny. I'm to dumb to count calories especially since I live in Australia and calories is different here. If anyone can help me please reach out...idk what to do but I don't want to look like this anymore, I'm honestly thinking about starving myself again...

 

[ushina_mashi]

Spoiler: vent

I feel so disgusting, I was hoping I'd lose weight fast in a month away from home but I definitely feel like I did at all and I can't even weight myself, worst part is I'm meeting with my boyfriend right after I'm back home so I won't have any time to starve myself to look my best when we meet, I hate myself for eating any more than bare minimum, I miss the feeling of not eating for days

 

[JobuLio111m]

I am not diagnosed with an eating disorder, but i do struggle almost daily with food for reasons I've never heard anyone around me bring up and i just want to get them off my chest.

I very often find myself struggling to eat meals for a very long time because i cant stand the very act of indulging in it. Often it feels like I don't deserve to eat. either because there's someone somewhere else who would kill to have even half as much available food as me or because i cant bear the thought i could be financially supporting a business that contributes to the suffering of others for my benefit. I also hate the fact that i go for meat so often when i do eat. while I'm eating it its like i forget what I'm supporting but when I'm finished i think about it for a long time and go back to trying to fast out of guilt.

I'm not trying to take away from the voices of people who struggle with different aspects of food, and especially not people with genuine diagnosis and eating disorders, nor trying to give others another reason to under eat. But i really have no idea where else to say this. And I don't want to admit this in person to anyone. Much love to everyone on this megathread

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I plan on walking and working out til my legs give out today. my anxiety is at an all time high. thanks to everyone that bumped this. let's keep it going. sending love to all of you no matter what ed you deal with. you are valid. your feelings are valid. try to be good to yourselves where you can.

 

[aslostasyouare33]

I have gastroparesis and MALS I have had a lot of organs removed including 90% of my stomach so I have to eat to a feeding tube and even that is excruciating. It fucking sucks watching people eat or smelling food. And my family is extremely gluttonous and overweight so it's like a slap in the face to me. Their inconsiderate to me

 

[iset]

I lost 10 kilograms in the last 2 months to the borderline of being underweight. 18,xx BMI
It's like an inner voice forbidding me to eat. Dont know what to do, I had an ED in the past.
It's horrible, it drains out all of my strength living on under 600 kcal per day for weeks. And what next?

 

[opheliaoveragain]

struggling today. my mind is even measuring water. I've avoided having a scale but I feel my resolve slipping.