eating disorder and unemployment vent post

[loveme]

unemployed (my fault because i procrastinated in college and didn't get any internships), market is ass, cant even land any interviews + crippling social anxiety that i even struggle with the normal task of WALKING in front of people because i dread being perceived and my body takes it as a literal threat (today i spent like 25 mins in the car being super anxious after arriving at the gym cause i was so scared to walk across the busy parking lot). reactive, loud asian parents who yell all the time and don't understand me emotionally, will always try to win arguments instead of just listening and connecting that recently i've completely dissociated and just avoid all conflict even if it means swallowing my hurt and resentment (though i know they love me).

feeling anger and hatred. mostly at my own brain for giving me crippling ocd since i was a child, for being born with a sensitive and introverted temperament and my own emotionally unstable parents for making me super hypervigilant, a people's pleaser, and just always ready for rejection before i even try so i just avoid trying because im already anticipating the humiliation. i think this ties into my unemployment because a big part of it is that im just not proactive enough and too socially anxious to network. im stuck in a hopeless limbo but also so obsessed with food my mind is constantly foggy my sleep schedule is absolutely FUCKED (im talking like 6am i go to bed) because im so hungry and my blood sugar is low and im generally just procrastinating the next day beginning which inevitably will end up being the same damn day submitting shit ton of job applications only to never even hear back and being hungry and cranky bevause im hungrysuper ultra depressed and sad and feeling sorry for myself and wondering how much weight do i have to lose until my parents notice im not fucking okay but it is what it is. lol. im trying to thug it out and im not sure why im even posting this but yeah. my anorexia is the only thing giving me a sense of control over my life right now. ive even kinda isolated myself from my friends idk i feel like if i at least had a job id not be so depressed.
im not really seeking comfort btw i guess i mostly posted this bc i needed to yell anonymously and also if u relate to me in any way just know ur not alone. and it fucking sucks but we got this. im gonna log out now bc im super embarrassed… social anxiety has actually ruined my life i wish we could all be cured from this stupid shit

 

[Bikishii]

I'm with you on the hungry and cranky being the only feelings you have sometimes, not gonna be an Ana-buddy but I feel your struggle. My disorder kicked back in lately after a few years of being dormant. I'm sure it isn't helping either of our mental states in any way whatsoever, even "success" with our body isn't enough. It'll never be enough. I can't speak for you, but when I was a teenager and first in the midst of it, I too wanted that "when will someone notice I'm dangerously skinny and say something?" (up until then I had only ever gotten compliments for being "effortlessly skinny"). Then people started to notice. One of the coaches in high school (I wasn't an athlete) pulled me aside to talk about my weight and how it was obvious that I wasn't just accidentally that emaciated. That validation that someone saw me as sick felt so good.

For about five seconds.

Then it wasn't enough. I don't think it was ever a conscious thought in my mind, but more like "wait, why is coach ______ the only one who noticed it? Do other people think I look healthy? Do they think I'm not hurting in some way? Or do they just not care?"

I feel out of control of my life right now with a sudden slew of medical and financial problems, and I feel you 100% when you talk about your anorexia being the only thing that gives you a sense of control over things. I'm in more or less the same boat. We grab onto what we can control, what we know, even if that's an unhealthy coping mechanism. It's not too different than addiction to a substance. We're addicted to the control of our bodies, the feeling of visibly exuding illness (even if people think we're physically sick, not mentally unwell). And if you've got nothing else in your life that makes you feel good, then it makes sense that even something as shitty as anorexia can make you feel good even in some way.

Sending a digital hug your way, cyberspace stranger

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

unemployed (my fault because i procrastinated in college and didn't get any internships), market is ass, cant even land any interviews + crippling social anxiety that i even struggle with the normal task of WALKING in front of people because i dread being perceived and my body takes it as a literal threat (today i spent like 25 mins in the car being super anxious after arriving at the gym cause i was so scared to walk across the busy parking lot). reactive, loud asian parents who yell all the time and don't understand me emotionally, will always try to win arguments instead of just listening and connecting that recently i've completely dissociated and just avoid all conflict even if it means swallowing my hurt and resentment (though i know they love me).

feeling anger and hatred. mostly at my own brain for giving me crippling ocd since i was a child, for being born with a sensitive and introverted temperament and my own emotionally unstable parents for making me super hypervigilant, a people's pleaser, and just always ready for rejection before i even try so i just avoid trying because im already anticipating the humiliation. i think this ties into my unemployment because a big part of it is that im just not proactive enough and too socially anxious to network. im stuck in a hopeless limbo but also so obsessed with food my mind is constantly foggy my sleep schedule is absolutely FUCKED (im talking like 6am i go to bed) because im so hungry and my blood sugar is low and im generally just procrastinating the next day beginning which inevitably will end up being the same damn day submitting shit ton of job applications only to never even hear back and being hungry and cranky bevause im hungrysuper ultra depressed and sad and feeling sorry for myself and wondering how much weight do i have to lose until my parents notice im not fucking okay but it is what it is. lol. im trying to thug it out and im not sure why im even posting this but yeah. my anorexia is the only thing giving me a sense of control over my life right now. ive even kinda isolated myself from my friends idk i feel like if i at least had a job id not be so depressed.
im not really seeking comfort btw i guess i mostly posted this bc i needed to yell anonymously and also if u relate to me in any way just know ur not alone. and it fucking sucks but we got this. im gonna log out now bc im super embarrassed… social anxiety has actually ruined my life i wish we could all be cured from this stupid shit

All I can give in terms of advice is just keep applying. In this market, with no internships, it really is just a numbers game. On places like Reddit, they do resume reviews and those have been helpful to a couple of my friends. Your resume is your strongest tool because it frames you as a candidate.

Beyond that, I hope it gets better for you. As someone who previously struggled with EDs, I do understand how bad that can be (though I suppose it does give you the sense of control you want)