Discussion Earliest you felt suicidal in life?

[Anxietykillsme]

I was 17 when I first started having proper suicidal thoughts.

 

[DeathNoot]

13 or 14

 

[Brackenshire]

Age 14 first try

 

[Darkhaven]

21

 

[enjolras]

Felt the early earthquake shakes of my developing condition at 11yo. Left school for home schooling. Reschooled, struggled some more between 15-18 and got my first two years long catatonic depression at 19yo (left studies to become an airline pilot where I was shining), with suicidal thoughts. Made a pathetic attempt at 24yo with AD and alcohol after several other traumas (serial killer in the family, early death of father ...and cat - only rain was next to make it worse) . Started looking at effective ways since 30yo, now 10yrs later. I get serious suicidal attacks every 1-2(-3 years exceptionnally) for several months since 20 years, typical of my mental health status. Not sure how I'm still around but I am. I know pain from inside out. It will win the war on me one of these days but at least not without a battle and little victories

 

[homebound]

i don't remember a lot from my past so it's hard to say. around 8-9 i think is when i wanted to stop existing. maybe 12 or 13 i started having serious suicidal thoughts.

 

[rat.girl]

I don't remember when I actually started feeling suicidal, but I know I had my first string of serious attempts at 15.

 

[Suez]

Do you remember the first time you felt actively suicidal in your life? Or the first time you noticed that ctb was the largest overall option to follow?

I remember my first direct thought of ending myself, or causing enough harm to be fatal, was around the age 6 or 7. Maybe as early as 5, but I can't say for certain.

My first strong and genuine decision that I was going to die by ctb was around age 14 or 15, and I've stuck with it since.

Do you remember what life was like prior to this, or what caused your first thoughts and actions adjacent to ctb? I sure as hell can't remember mine haha.

I was 9yrs old. I had been diagnosed with childhood schizophrenia at the beginning of the year. I couldnt cope with the hallucinations that went with it. One morning i decided i was going to kill myself. I remember being in the kitchen and my mum talking to me. Before i left the kitchen i remember saying to her that i loved her. I went to my bedroom and was kneeling on the floor with a carving knife to my throat. I was just about to cut my throat when my mum come into my bedroom. Ive never seen her move so fast. It was almost as if she flew across the room grabbing the knife off me. My words to her were that i was evil and needed to die. I remember it like it was yesterday. Ill never forget that day.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

For me, at 11. That's when the abuse from my dad started to get unbearable. The punches and kicks were bad, but the words made the brutal beatdowns feel good in comparison. This is also the age I made my first attempt of several throughout my life. Next time I will be sure to get it right.

 

[Pryras]

16, I was bulimic and very serious about ending my life. I was surprisingly much less impulsive as a teenager and wanted to travel for assisted suicide (that I clearly wasn't a candidate for)

 

[akrasia]

It was around the age of 13-14 when I didn't want to live anymore. I prayed almost everyday that I won't wake up from my sleep or that I would be in a terrible accident that cause my death. I was severely depressed back then but I didn't quite understand what I was feeling, well I didn't know what depression is. My suicidal thoughts went on and off for a few years until I was 16 when I really consider suicide and started planning. I never completed my plan, I regret that I didn't. Now suicide thoughts is on my mind mostly everyday.

 

[Lutembëe]

When I was 7 or 8, I had tried to stick my fingers in an electrical socket

 

[Notabadguy]

No, first time. I'm 39.

 

[itsamadworld]

I was 6 years old when I wrote my first suicide letter. My kindergarten teacher gave it to my mom; my mombie, she never talked about it. Years later I found a note from my teacher and found the letter in some shit she kept. In my 20's, I remember saying to a co-worker, "I said 40 years old is when I would no longer put up with the shit of life. If stuff doesn't get better, I'm gonna off -myself." I attempted suicide right after that! I am 39 now....I still feel that I need it to just end at 40.

 

[whereispeace]

My early 20s. I made a CTB attempt at 22. I wish it was successful. Now I'm 28, and doing even worse than I was then. It's really bad.

 

[Squiddy]

My reasons for being suicidal change, but the first time I felt suicidal was when I was 14 in 8th grade. I was getting bullied severely.

 

[ManWithNoName]

9 years old—tried to call it quits but my method of execution was laughably ineffective, and it failed, luckily did not injury myself.

 

[toomuchtimetodie]

I had feelings that wanted to 'not exist' as early as 8 as I had undiagnosed anxiety and depression. By 15 my brain had developed to a self-aware being and I started thinking daily how I would go. It's crazy thinking about it now I remember thinking how I would run Infront of a truck on the motorway at night. And obviously we all watched too much TV and fantasized about shooting ourselves with a gun. These thoughts occurred before I'd have imagined something like this forum could have existed. You only heard of suicide being brushed under the carpet. God I must have been in suffering I can't comprehend now, no wonder I developed mental illness.

 

[Sha70]

11-12 years old. I remember sitting on the couch at that age really considering taking a kitchen knife to stab myself. I was actually going to do it.... walked into the kitchen to grab it but didnt act on it because that was when my mom walked in from work.

 

[panhandler92]

I must have been about 11 or 12, my brother who was 21 at the time caught on to me looking at gay porn (am gay) on the family PC by way of browser history. Woke me up in the middle of the night when he was drunk and told me he was going to tell our parents and that I'm a f***** and punched me in the stomach, then left me there in my dark room.
After he went to bed i went out to the garage and tied a rope up in the rafters and stared at it for a long time but surprise I didn't do it. So 11.

 

[DyingisHard93]

Id say 13

 

[muffin222]

Age 11. I began self-harming shortly prior to that as well due to constant bullying and social ostracizing by my classmates

 

[ritsulover]

Around 13 and started plans at around 15. Didn't attempt first until 18 though

 

[BagofBones]

12

 

[BabyYoda]

I was in Junior High School when I had my first serious suicidal thoughts, but they weren't as bad as the ones I had recently.

 

[Blutsager]

I am 27, and I have never considered suicide until a few weeks ago. Not that I wanna die, just taking precautions if things become awful I got an easy way out, in the form of SN.

 

[RottenDeer]

I think it was around 13.

 

[thx1138]

When I was 11.

 

[DunnoWhyButYeah]

I was 10 or 11.

 

[a.n.kirillov]

That was 2016, I was 22 then I think, right out of school and hit by my first real episode of depression, working a shitty warehouse job. I remember the exact spot where the thought struck me, that I might as well not be here than suffer through another day of this, on my way to work.

But this was a sudden onset (one week fine, full on depression the next—I even remember the month), with insane insomnia, heart pounding every night, waking up at 4AM, unable to go back to sleep and intense physical exhaustion. I cried in the shower everyday—this is my before and after event when looking at my life. Something had changed permanently.