Many of these factors alone increase your suicide risk ten fold. Like being autistic, or even being male. So all of these combined and I'm practically a dead man walking.
• Male
• Ugly
• Lonely
• Early 20s
• Far below average height
• Non-white
• Neurodivergent
• No sexual or romantic experience
• Bullied, 1st grade up till graduating high school, verbally and physically
• Below average intelligence
• Suicidal thoughts since young teen
• Fully fledged suicide plans for years
• Lots of suicide research done over the years
• Come close to committing twice
• Willing to accept dangerous/painful methods to escape
• Misunderstood and ignored by family
• Backed out of an attempt recently due to big money gain, but still plans to end it
You need experiences before you go. Don't rob yourself of the chance to find the life of your dreams.
If your family is shit, you need friends who make up for it. They're hard to find, but there is a whole world out there with so many people. I am certain you can find a place that accepts you.
Take it from a trans guy with no self esteem. You need confidence. Even if it isn't real. If you can't get laid, and that's your biggest factor for suicidal ideation (other than the self hate) it's entirely because of your attitude. People don't like you if you are always beating yourself up in front of them, it makes them uncomfortable. You have to sell the idea of you.
You can be the ugliest person on the planet, but if you go out of your way to be kind, if you take the time to really listen to others, if you walk and talk like you
know you're hot shit — people love that energy, and they want in on it. I have met many people who would be considered undesirable for any number of reasons, but they try to make others laugh, they care about things, and that kind of energy draws people in.
I am highly undesirable as a fugly ass trans person, most people
hate trans people. And I bought myself a cool coat, and I walk like I know where I'm going and I know what I'm doing, and I get hit on by men and women all the time. Even though they can tell I am transgender. I'm not interested in meaningless sex, so I turn people down a lot, but people are attracted to the way I hold my body, the way I talk, the things I talk about, and what an incredible listener I am. I also get a lot of compliments on my style and how nice I smell, which are things that took me years to figure out.
The way you carry yourself is so important. Get yourself some clothes you feel good in. Maybe get a cologne, and use it
super sparingly. Spray it on your shirt collar a little, it lasts longer. Experiment with styling your hair. Find a hobby that you like, music, surfing, breeds of dogs, whatever it is — become knowledgeable in it, and share that knowledge and learn new knowledge from other people with the same interest. If you're an impassioned individual and you carry yourself with meaning, other people will want some. Trust me. You aren't impossible to love because of the things you can't change. You can find someone who cares about you for more than your looks, and that's more meaningful than being some fuckboy who gets laid all the time because he's tall or whatever. You want genuine connection, not shallow losers. I'm positive that there is some autistic girl out there that would nerd out with you as long as you will nerd out with her, you know?
Don't throw the towel in on yourself friend. You deserve better. Look in the mirror and be your friend. He needs a friend. You're a good place to start.
