angelicEmotophile
New Member
- Dec 31, 2024
- 2
im in a forced recovery, drug recovery at rehab to be specific. it has ruined my life, not because im actually sober but because i do drugs in secret. and this time im gonna get caught, i have a drug test on the 1st of January. i will fail the test. im very scared since they will take away my privileges of freedom for 3 weeks, this might not be long for some, but time already moves extremely slow for me. i cant handle the isolation that rehab gives me. i hate it, recovery was supposed to make me feel better but what its doing is making me run closer to the edge. i dream of ending it all. i edit pictures how my plan would look like, i dont want this. i have 4 long months of rehab ahead of me and i fear that i will not make it. oh gosh i hope i wont make it, its too much for me. i cant even put it into words on how much pain im in. this is too much for me, i hate being sober, being sober makes me feel more dead than i actually am, i don't see any point or joy in living. i haven't felt any joy in over a decade. no matter how much therapy i get, no matter what meds i take. no matter how much i talk about it, no matter the psych wards. it doesn't get any better. not even a little bit. i want to feel joy, i want to be able to remember what being happy and full of life feels like, but i cant. I've been trough so much, none of my mental problems can be cured, but they still push their hope on me. i dont want false hope, there is no such thing as "hope" for me anymore. i have given up. i hope i will ctb soon.
