Try different ways besides drugs which you'd probably have to anyway if you can't get all your drugs at once. You sound like you're young though so don't rush into it and try anything and everything else 1st before ctb. Think long and hard about it and if you decide it's the only way think about how you're going to do it. Whatever way you do it, you want to work. The worst thing is failed attempt you can't play off. Like using drugs you can always say "no I wasn't trying to commit suicide. I was trying to get high". Psych ward for a long time ironically isn't good for your mental health.
I am young, but I've had passive SI for longer than I can remember, which honestly isn't more than bits and pieces of my life, yet recently I've been more and more open to the possibility of actually ending it. It was a very violent shift at first if I'm being honest, initially my first thought was "I can kill myself in ANY way," and that led to me idealizing more gruesome methods, but now I've just adopted the idea that if it kills me, yay, but ideally quicker deaths are preferred, with slower, more painful methods still being good alternatives.
I am young, but I've had passive SI for longer than I can remember, which honestly isn't more than bits and pieces of my life, yet recently I've been more and more open to the possibility of actually ending it. It was a very violent shift at first if I'm being honest, initially my first thought was "I can kill myself in ANY way," and that led to me idealizing more gruesome methods, but now I've just adopted the idea that if it kills me, yay, but ideally quicker deaths are preferred, with slower, more painful methods still being good alternatives.
If I had to elaborate, my childhood was not really a childhood. My mother was not present and my dad is a huge narcissist. He was a big fan of threatening me, verbal abuse, and general fear instilling. I was ridiculed for crying, punished for having good points against anything said regardless of whether or not I was intending to speak against him. I was just constantly in pain and even denied medical care at times. Non-behavioral therapy was basically a privilege I had to earn.
All in all, the only years I had to create the life I'd have to live out was ruined from the very start, and I don't feel the urge to finish it. I never have, and likely never will. It may seem a very bland reason for me to kill myself, but at the cost of sounding emo or some shit, I just feel empty. I used to love the idea of starting a family, but then I realized I'm not capable of that, and I don't want to bring a child into the world in this day and age anyway. Even if I tried to give them all the love I could, what if I messed up? Or what if I succeeded, and yet they still somehow, one day, wound up here as I did? I don't want to live or be a part of anything that living entails, so the only other choice is to die.
