goodoldnoname923
Wanting to find peace
- Mar 28, 2024
- 535
I can't hurt anyone again like i did with kimchi and blue,and the thing is i know if i fucking continue i will because I don't fucking learn shit…it's not that i want to hurt people i fucking don't it's just for whatever reason no matter how much i try to reflect on my behaviour or even have people tell me what i'm doing wrong nothing seems to change,I thought the world of kimchi and blue and i still fucking do to this day yet i treat them both like complete and utter shit…and i keep trying to think "why,why do i fucking do this?" And even when i think I've figured it out or how to change shit it doesn't fucking work…i read back those chat logs i looked at kimchis specifically and it took me hours to process everything…i felt numb for hours until in the late hours of the day it hit me like a fucking truck how awful i fucking felt
For what i did to kimchi and blue it made me feel fucking terrible i wanted the world to sollow me up right there not because they both "hated me" or were "gone" but because I couldn't live with the guilt of what i had done
I woke up the next morning and tried to slit my fucking throat with a knife that wasn't sharp enough and when that inevitably didn't work i went to my irl friends house because i knew he had sharp blades,i went there with the intention of slitting my throat there and then but by the time i got there the adrenaline i had was gone…my plan shifted to stealing one of his blades in which i failed sadly
Then there was a night not that long ago looking at the last message blue sent saying she wanted fuck all to do with me after everything i done…i had thoughts violently going through my head saying how terrible i was how unredeemable i was how much of a monster i was the thoughts were deafing and too much the suicidal urge came to much i walked out of my parents place made my way back to my own grabbed one of the mittary grade knives i had been collecting and tried to slit my throat…i tried so fucking hard i even tried looking back at the last message blue sent me saying she wanted nothing to do with me but I couldn't fucking do it
I can't fucking change ik i have guilt inside of me and i know i want to change but there is something deep inside my subconscious that is stopping me and I can't put anyone else through this ever again…I can't hurt anyone ever again
For what i did to kimchi and blue it made me feel fucking terrible i wanted the world to sollow me up right there not because they both "hated me" or were "gone" but because I couldn't live with the guilt of what i had done
I woke up the next morning and tried to slit my fucking throat with a knife that wasn't sharp enough and when that inevitably didn't work i went to my irl friends house because i knew he had sharp blades,i went there with the intention of slitting my throat there and then but by the time i got there the adrenaline i had was gone…my plan shifted to stealing one of his blades in which i failed sadly
Then there was a night not that long ago looking at the last message blue sent saying she wanted fuck all to do with me after everything i done…i had thoughts violently going through my head saying how terrible i was how unredeemable i was how much of a monster i was the thoughts were deafing and too much the suicidal urge came to much i walked out of my parents place made my way back to my own grabbed one of the mittary grade knives i had been collecting and tried to slit my throat…i tried so fucking hard i even tried looking back at the last message blue sent me saying she wanted nothing to do with me but I couldn't fucking do it
I can't fucking change ik i have guilt inside of me and i know i want to change but there is something deep inside my subconscious that is stopping me and I can't put anyone else through this ever again…I can't hurt anyone ever again
