Don't Deserve to Die, Don't Deserve to Live

[hiddenbpd]

I desperately want to ctb, the emotional turmoil I experience daily is difficult. The date I chose is coming and I want to start preparing to leave. However from an outsider view, my life isn't bad, I should have no reason for wanting to ctb, I have everything a lot of people wish for. Because of this, I should be forced to stay alive and act like I'm happy for everyone else's sake, to cause them no harm. At the same time, wanting to die makes me undeserving of life in itself, as I can't take advantage of or be grateful for what I do have.
I wish that I could gift my life to someone who deserves it, to someone who is highly loved and valued, someone whose life would be otherwise cut short because of medical issues. There are so many kind generous people, who deserve to be here a lot more than me.

 

[niiina]

You deserve to live and you deserve to die, like everybody else, but both have to be for yourself, don't live or die for other, it's not worthy. Even tho life isn't fair none of the choices are wrong and you don't need to hurry with a decision.

 

[lifeisadream]

Thing is, the people looking at your life will have that outsider perspective. Only you know the struggles & pain you go through on a daily basis. Think it's terrible that you're clearly suffering but you're made to feel you have to endure life to save others from pain. So sorry you're having such a hard time & are clearly having to deal with so many conflicts. Incidentally, from your post you're also a kind & generous person for wishing you could help others despite all that you're going through.

 

[FuneralCry]

I believe that nobody should feel forced to endure this existence as after all, none of us asked to be here, it isn't as though we have an obligation to stay alive. I believe that life should only be lived if that is what the person wishes to happen. As well as having the right to live, as humans we all have the right to die. It's completely a personal decision when to exit. But it must be tiring being in that situation. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from your suffering.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I desperately want to ctb, the emotional turmoil I experience daily is difficult. The date I chose is coming and I want to start preparing to leave. However from an outsider view, my life isn't bad, I should have no reason for wanting to ctb, I have everything a lot of people wish for. Because of this, I should be forced to stay alive and act like I'm happy for everyone else's sake, to cause them no harm. At the same time, wanting to die makes me undeserving of life in itself, as I can't take advantage of or be grateful for what I do have.
I wish that I could gift my life to someone who deserves it, to someone who is highly loved and valued, someone whose life would be otherwise cut short because of medical issues. There are so many kind generous people, who deserve to be here a lot more than me.

I don't think many people would wish for daily emotional turmoil that pushes you to the edge :). Outsiders can pass judgment all they want; they can never get the full story. I don't think wanting to die makes you undeserving of life, though I see why it may feel like a waste. I'm sure you're plenty grateful; you've just expressed a lot of it right now. Gratitude only goes so far. It's okay to want more. Sometimes people have barriers or obstacles that prevent them from fully using their advantages and that's not their fault.