Venting Don´t want to live, but scared of dying

[GirlN]

Ok, so I am unsure if the prefix is correct but anyways...
I now have MeTo and SN (stored for about 6 months). I have had suicidal thoughts for a long time, sometimes i cry myself to sleep just wanting to end it all.
I have attempted suicide before but not with reliable methods. And I think that maybe this is what scares me with SN, it is almost certain you will die.

I want to die but at the same time I don´t. I am so scared of how my family and friends will feel after i ctb.
I am scared of what happens after you are dead. I am scared of regretting having taking the pills but it will be to late to undo it.
At the same time I am so tired of everything. Everyday I just act happy when I am not.
I feel like everything is hopeless and that I have no purpose.
For so many nights before I go to bed I have just wished that instead of waking up, I will just disappear.

I don´t know if this makes any sense though.
Does anyone else feel the same?
That you sort of want to be removed from this world but at the same time you don´t want to.

 

[Good4Nothing]

Me

 

[LenkaX]

I want to die but at the same time I don´t.

Then postpone it. Give yourself another year and then see. I'm doing this since my 21 and I made it up to 37.

 

[Good4Nothing]

I've had suicidal thoughts nearly every day since I was a teen. I'm 48 now.

 

[GirlN]

Then postpone it. Give yourself another year and then see. I'm doing this since my 21 and I made it up to 37.

I might do that!

 

[Superdeterminist]

I feel some similar things. I do have reservations about leaving it all behind, but I definitely want to die more than I don't. Personally I don't care about how my family/friends feel about my choice but I can definitely understand why you or others would, our situations are just different. The fear or SI kicking in and/or unexpected regret is a rational one because that can happen. Though, I am not so scared about what happens after death, because I'm convinced that there is nothing (which means no suffering). I am much more scared of dying, the process of entering death, which usually entails pain. You are tired of everything? I feel the same although maybe not everything if we're being literal. Many things though, certainly. I also really don't like having to put up a fake happy persona just to operate in the world properly.

As for hopelessness, yes that's something I also feel every day about many things. And purpose is so important most of us feel an urgent need for one, and too many go without ever finding one, I have yet to find one. I too would like nothing more than to die peacefully in my sleep. I want to be removed from this world and I lament the joys I would be leaving behind, but the truth is I found them to be too few and far between in a vast expanse of suffering.

 

[death137]

The only thing I'm scared of is my method. I'm terrified, sad and angry that I've to face the rope. But what choose do I've? Unlike most of you I can't access gun or SN.

 

[GirlN]

I feel some similar things. I do have reservations about leaving it all behind, but I definitely want to die more than I don't. Personally I don't care about how my family/friends feel about my choice but I can definitely understand why you or others would, our situations are just different. The fear or SI kicking in and/or unexpected regret is a rational one because that can happen. Though, I am not so scared about what happens after death, because I'm convinced that there is nothing (which means no suffering). I am much more scared of dying, the process of entering death, which usually entails pain. You are tired of everything? I feel the same although maybe not everything if we're being literal. Many things though, certainly. I also really don't like having to put up a fake happy persona just to operate in the world properly.

As for hopelessness, yes that's something I also feel every day about many things. And purpose is so important most of us feel an urgent need for one, and too many go without ever finding one, I have yet to find one. I too would like nothing more than to die peacefully in my sleep. I want to be removed from this world and I lament the joys I would be leaving behind, but the truth is I found them to be too few and far between in a vast expanse of suffering.

The SI is terrifying. I really hope the same, that what comes after death is just nothing, that we just cease to exist.

 

[rt1989526]

I know what you mean, I battle every day feeling like shit with no energy or reason to be alive. I will find a way to overcome SI and end the suffering, it is my only goal.

 

[derwikinger]

Guide to partially suspended hanging:

Warning: Don't try this method unless you're totally sure that:
a) you want to kill yourself
b) that you won't be found for at least 30 minutes after you attempt.

This method is very lethal and quick (quick from your perspective
anyway, as you black out within seconds), but if you're found in time
and 'saved' you can end up with serious brain damage and/or be left a
vegetable.

Why partial suspension?
Because full suspension seems to me to be unnecessary and creates
difficulties. First of all you need to find a place which would hold
your entire weight, which isn't easy, and also you need a stronger
ligature, which isn't always easy to find either. There's nothing
wrong with full suspension, but it may not be a viable method for
everyone, especially if you're looking to use everyday materials from
around the home.

By partial suspension I mean that you hang yourself around the neck
(specifically the carotid artery), and push downwards while kneeling.
This should create enough downward pressure on the ligature to tighten
it and close the carotid artery and stop the blood flow to your brain.
All you need is 3 kilograms of pressure to do this, which isn't much
at all.

Also, with full suspension your entire body weight is pressurizing
your neck, and this would probably be more than enough to not only cut
off the blood supply to your brain, but break your neck as well. I'm
not too sure if that's a good or a bad thing. I do know though, that
statistically people who've attempted via hanging have more often been
found kneeling and partially suspended than being fully suspended.

Where is the carotid artery?
Before you start you have to know this. If you place your hand around
the middle of your neck, around your Adam's apple, with one thumb on
one side and all fingers on the other, you should feel a strong pulse
and heartbeat. If you close your hand now fairly firmly, you'll
probably make yourself pass out. It might be a good idea to try this
to make sure you've got the right spot.

What type of ligature?
You need a ligature that's strong, but not too elastic. It doesn't
have to be very long, 1 meter or more would be plenty. I'd advise
against nylon rope, string, fishing wire, etc.
Neckties on the other hand, are perfect Smile .

It may also be a good idea to lubricate the ligature with soap. This
would help the noose tighten even quicker, especially if you're using
a rough ligature such as a rope. Lubricating it in this way will
increase the friction once you push your head down and tighten the
noose, and could make it a little more effective and faster.

What type of knot?
A slipknot. It's one of the most basic knots around, and you make it
with one end of your ligature. The other end should go around your
hanging place.

Many people have the misguided idea that a hangman's knot should be
used, but they're wrong. A hangman's knot is for a completely
different purpose, and won't work for this method.

Where should I hang?
You should hang from a support which will hold part of your weight.

You should test this by tying the loose end of your ligature around
the support several times, sticking your hand (NOT your head) in the
noose and pushing down with it. If the noose holds, you're fine. If
not, then you'll have to find another spot.

A great and easy place to hang is from the thick horizontal metal bar
which you find in wardrobes in most homes.

When should I do it?
When no one else will be in the same area, for at least 30 minutes.
You lose consciousness within seconds but your body doesn't completely
die for around 15-20 minutes. The extra 10-15 minutes is for
preparation time and just in case.

How?

When you're completely ready, kneel down, stick your head in the
noose, position it around the carotid artery and push downwards with
your head.

Good luck...

 

[I screwed up]

I know what you mean, I battle every day feeling like shit with no energy or reason to be alive. I will find a way to overcome SI and end the suffering, it is my only goal.

Exactly my feelings bro .. Couldn't have said it any better

 

[muffin222]

If you're indecisive, it's best to wait because you're probably not ready. CTB is forever, and the option to go through with it never vanishes, so there's no rush

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I agree with many others here. If you're on the fence, I would recommend waiting. If you're unsure, you're more apt to panic and be unsuccessful. That could lead to a host of other issues such as hospitalization, bills, shame, etc.

 

[VIBRITANNIA]

i'm in agreement with everyone else. i think that if you're unsure, you should wait and really think about this decision, sort out your feelings and such. it's a big decision to make that has consequences no matter what. wishing you peace in whatever you decide.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

This is a very common feeling here. The fact is your emotions aren't logical and your brain can pull in several conflicting directions at once, making it hard to act in any direction. A lot of us find ourselves stuck in 'suicide limbo' where we are too depressed to find the energy for recovery but encounter too much fear when we try to ctb. It's an unfortunate situation and there is no easy solution. I hope you find some way out, whatever direction that ends up being in.

 

[LittleJem]

It doesn't sound like you are ready. I did feel like that - that I didn't want to hurt people - so I stayed alive for another year or two and tried more things.

Now I'm another year or two in, I am just exhausted. All of those feelings for me about not wanting to hurt people are gone, I am just exhausted and done, and I see it as my choice if and when I decide to end my suffering, and those that love me should want what I want. Not to keep me alive tortured every single day.

From what I have read, our brains are just made differently - so it is no-one's fault. I just try and educate people, but I am too tired to do that also...

 

[death137]

do you have acces to charcoal (co), gasoline generator (co), formic acid (co) , nitrogen , f,h,morphine, or freediving blackout?

I can access charcoal but its difficult to attempt since I live with my family. The other you asked I don't have access.

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

I am not so scared about what happens after death, because I'm convinced that there is nothing (which means no suffering). I am much more scared of dying, the process of entering death, which usually entails pain.

This describes my issues perfectly. I don't fear death, which is nothing. I dread the process itself which must involve either physical or psychological suffering, or both. @GirlN, take comfort in the fact that you're not alone, neither should you be ashamed of your reluctance. I lurked for a year before joining and I've been a user for a year since. My first attempt was at 15. I haven't attempted since. I'm 35. In time you'll gain the strength and courage to either ctb or work towards recovery.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

This describes my issues perfectly. I don't fear death, which is nothing. I dread the process itself which must involve either physical or psychological suffering, or both. @GirlN, take comfort in the fact that you're not alone, neither should you be ashamed of your reluctance. I lurked for a year before joining and I've been a user for a year since. My first attempt was at 15. I haven't attempted since. I'm 35. In time you'll gain the strength and courage to either ctb or work towards recovery.

Are you closer to ctb now, or working towards recovery?

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

Are you closer to ctb now, or working towards recovery?

I'm not really sure. If limbo existed that's where I'd be right now. It all depends on how some short-term plans of mine work out. How about you?

 

[esse_est_percipi]

I'm not really sure. If limbo existed that's where I'd be right now. It all depends on how some short-term plans of mine work out. How about you?

I think I'm exactly the same.
Limbo, and a lot depends on how thing work out for me in the near future.

 

[draw a circle]

At the same time I am so tired of everything. Everyday I just act happy when I am not.
I feel like everything is hopeless and that I have no purpose.
For so many nights before I go to bed I have just wished that instead of waking up, I will just disappear.

Hell yeah same sis.... I'm just out here being an empty husk of my old self. I'm more scared of attempting than the death itself. I think if the world were to end tomorrow I wouldn't complain at all lol. If I have to do it myself I'm not sure if I could, but I sure would like to die

 

[GirlN]

i'm in agreement with everyone else. i think that if you're unsure, you should wait and really think about this decision, sort out your feelings and such. it's a big decision to make that has consequences no matter what. wishing you peace in whatever you decide.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Yeah I have decided to wait until i´m fully ready to do it.

This is a very common feeling here. The fact is your emotions aren't logical and your brain can pull in several conflicting directions at once, making it hard to act in any direction. A lot of us find ourselves stuck in 'suicide limbo' where we are too depressed to find the energy for recovery but encounter too much fear when we try to ctb. It's an unfortunate situation and there is no easy solution. I hope you find some way out, whatever direction that ends up being in.

That´s exactly how I feel some days. There are days when I think about ctb, so the whole day I just act different, like nothing matters, because I am going to do it today anyways.

This describes my issues perfectly. I don't fear death, which is nothing. I dread the process itself which must involve either physical or psychological suffering, or both. @GirlN, take comfort in the fact that you're not alone, neither should you be ashamed of your reluctance. I lurked for a year before joining and I've been a user for a year since. My first attempt was at 15. I haven't attempted since. I'm 35. In time you'll gain the strength and courage to either ctb or work towards recovery.

Thank you<3 I hope so, it´s really difficult to be in this phase where I´m sort of stuck between two options.

 

[endoftheroad22]

Ok, so I am unsure if the prefix is correct but anyways...
I now have MeTo and SN (stored for about 6 months). I have had suicidal thoughts for a long time, sometimes i cry myself to sleep just wanting to end it all.
I have attempted suicide before but not with reliable methods. And I think that maybe this is what scares me with SN, it is almost certain you will die.

I want to die but at the same time I don´t. I am so scared of how my family and friends will feel after i ctb.
I am scared of what happens after you are dead. I am scared of regretting having taking the pills but it will be to late to undo it.
At the same time I am so tired of everything. Everyday I just act happy when I am not.
I feel like everything is hopeless and that I have no purpose.
For so many nights before I go to bed I have just wished that instead of waking up, I will just disappear.

I don´t know if this makes any sense though.
Does anyone else feel the same?
That you sort of want to be removed from this world but at the same time you don´t want to.

Are you me? Its easy to do in theory but terrifying in practice.

 

[Michaelwaev]

I recall something on being on the 'balance' of something like this to be fair you're gonna feel some sort of grainy feelings suiciding as for belief of a better future beyond death, it's a journey that will make you end up believing in the right thing. And it is for me. Idk at what point of thing you're on but remember to break the right circles of life and move on. This is how you stay strong during suicide. As for attempting, remember to jump to it when you're surfing out your holes hold. Jump to out of it :)

I recall something on being on the 'balance' of something like this to be fair you're gonna feel some sort of grainy feelings suiciding as for belief of a better future beyond death, it's a journey that will make you end up believing in the right thing. And it is for me. Idk at what point of thing you're on but remember to break the right circles of life and move on. This is how you stay strong during suicide. As for attempting, remember to jump to it when you're surfing out your holes hold. Jump to out of it :)

As in thing this is progress

 

[tidalwxves]

Ok, so I am unsure if the prefix is correct but anyways...
I now have MeTo and SN (stored for about 6 months). I have had suicidal thoughts for a long time, sometimes i cry myself to sleep just wanting to end it all.
I have attempted suicide before but not with reliable methods. And I think that maybe this is what scares me with SN, it is almost certain you will die.

I want to die but at the same time I don´t. I am so scared of how my family and friends will feel after i ctb.
I am scared of what happens after you are dead. I am scared of regretting having taking the pills but it will be to late to undo it.
At the same time I am so tired of everything. Everyday I just act happy when I am not.
I feel like everything is hopeless and that I have no purpose.
For so many nights before I go to bed I have just wished that instead of waking up, I will just disappear.

I don´t know if this makes any sense though.
Does anyone else feel the same?
That you sort of want to be removed from this world but at the same time you don´t want to.

If you are feeling all these things you should NOT be taking SN, that decision is irreversible you can't enter it with that many doubts/possibilities of regret.

 

[TheYounger]

Yeah, that's how I feel too. I'm planning to CTB on December 31 of this year with sodium Azide but it definitely is a hard decision to make. I also have those thoughts of wanting to end it all especially in the mornings. I also sometimes doubt myself whether I'm gonna go through with it or not. I think I most likely will though. Still though... I'm tired of burdening my mom and family.

 

[Niirvana]

I feel some similar things. I do have reservations about leaving it all behind, but I definitely want to die more than I don't. Personally I don't care about how my family/friends feel about my choice but I can definitely understand why you or others would, our situations are just different. The fear or SI kicking in and/or unexpected regret is a rational one because that can happen. Though, I am not so scared about what happens after death, because I'm convinced that there is nothing (which means no suffering). I am much more scared of dying, the process of entering death, which usually entails pain. You are tired of everything? I feel the same although maybe not everything if we're being literal. Many things though, certainly. I also really don't like having to put up a fake happy persona just to operate in the world properly.

As for hopelessness, yes that's something I also feel every day about many things. And purpose is so important most of us feel an urgent need for one, and too many go without ever finding one, I have yet to find one. I too would like nothing more than to die peacefully in my sleep. I want to be removed from this world and I lament the joys I would be leaving behind, but the truth is I found them to be too few and far between in a vast expanse of suffering.

It happens the same to me...

 

[GirlN]

If you are feeling all these things you should NOT be taking SN, that decision is irreversible you can't enter it with that many doubts/possibilities of regret.

I know. I am waiting till at least some of these doubts/worries go away. I am still suicidal but I guess not so much that I am 100% certain of doing this.

Yeah, that's how I feel too. I'm planning to CTB on December 31 of this year with sodium Azide but it definitely is a hard decision to make. I also have those thoughts of wanting to end it all especially in the mornings. I also sometimes doubt myself whether I'm gonna go through with it or not. I think I most likely will though. Still though... I'm tired of burdening my mom and family.

Glad I am not the only one<3 It is a hard decision of course. Just imagine that the next day you aren´t there. It´s a strange thought.

 

[lobster salad]

Ok, so I am unsure if the prefix is correct but anyways...
I now have MeTo and SN (stored for about 6 months). I have had suicidal thoughts for a long time, sometimes i cry myself to sleep just wanting to end it all.
I have attempted suicide before but not with reliable methods. And I think that maybe this is what scares me with SN, it is almost certain you will die.

I want to die but at the same time I don´t. I am so scared of how my family and friends will feel after i ctb.
I am scared of what happens after you are dead. I am scared of regretting having taking the pills but it will be to late to undo it.
At the same time I am so tired of everything. Everyday I just act happy when I am not.
I feel like everything is hopeless and that I have no purpose.
For so many nights before I go to bed I have just wished that instead of waking up, I will just disappear.

I don´t know if this makes any sense though.
Does anyone else feel the same?
That you sort of want to be removed from this world but at the same time you don´t want to.

Yes that is me, completely lost. I think I will eventually ctb.... it's just a matter of how long I'm gonna delay it.