Doing unforgivable to stop SI

[lostintheloop]

So I was thinking if I act on intrusive thoughts/voices to do something bad then I will have no choice but to ctb. It will make sure that I can't back out. I wouldn't do anything too evil, just something that I can't forgive myself for. Something that I would be unable to live with. I know that makes me a bad person but ensuring I ctb within a certain timeframe will save many lives. So any small harm by doing this would be for the greater good.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I wouldn't do anything too evil, just something that I can't forgive myself for.

What does that mean specifically?

 

[lostintheloop]

What does that mean specifically?

I can't say here. Which probably makes it sound like it's something horrific, it's not, but just don't feel comfortable sharing .

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I can't say here. Which probably makes it sound like it's something horrific, it's not, but just don't feel comfortable sharing .

Then why even bother posting about it?

 

[lostintheloop]

Then why even bother posting about it?

Just venting but also interested in others' views, whether anyone has thought about doing similar.
And you can get the gist of what I mean without me saying specifics (i.e things that could harm others). It wouldn't change anything.
I have no issue with any questions people may have but it's up to me how much detail I answer.

 

[sapphoslastpoem]

I've thought about doing this—my plan would be to catch a felony for having a shit ton of drugs in my possession. I already have severe paranoia regarding my background and I'm terrified of doing anything illegal. Maybe if I actually do something illegal, it'll spark me to finally end shit

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Just venting but also interested in others' views, whether anyone has thought about doing similar.
And you can get the gist of what I mean without me saying specifics (i.e things that could harm others). It wouldn't change anything.
I have no issue with any questions people may have but it's up to me how much detail I answer.

Can't give a view without knowing specifically what terrible, horrendous act you are contemplating yourself doing.

 

[Tesha]

Hi @timetodie24

Nice to see you're still communicating with us.

Did anything bad happen to any of your relatives today? I appreciate it isn't over yet, but I was just wondering.

Rather than bringing others into this, what else might lower your SI (not that I'm advocating you hurting yourself or others). Would being arrested for stealing be enough ? Would telling your family you're going to kill yourself be enough? How about vandalising things - like a police station? What I'm suggesting is try to think of things that don't involve physically harming others, if you can.

When do you next see your community team?

 

[Not A Fan]

I've thought about doing this—my plan would be to catch a felony for having a shit ton of drugs in my possession. I already have severe paranoia regarding my background and I'm terrified of doing anything illegal. Maybe if I actually do something illegal, it'll spark me to finally end shit

Ctb is harder in jail than it is out of jail. And if they think you're going to try, they will shackle you up, take away your clothes and sheets, and make you eat from a tray without utensils. Your only option will be bash your head open on the brick wall. I think I might have heard someone trying to do this. I would avoid this.

 

[lostintheloop]

Hi @timetodie24

Nice to see you're still communicating with us.

Did anything bad happen to any of your relatives today? I appreciate it isn't over yet, but I was just wondering.

Rather than bringing others into this, what else might lower your SI (not that I'm advocating you hurting yourself or others). Would being arrested for stealing be enough ? Would telling your family you're going to kill yourself be enough? How about vandalising things - like a police station? What I'm suggesting is try to think of things that don't involve physically harming others, if you can.

When do you next see your community team?

Thank you

I think it has to harm others in some way otherwise won't work.

Don't have community team and not under any services. Was referred back to primary care mental health practitioner. Not sure if/when I'll hear from them but I don't want to anyway.

 

[Tesha]

I think it has to harm others in some way otherwise won't work.

Harming others doesn't always mean physical harm. There's moral, financial… all sorts of other approaches.

My mistake re the community team - I thought you'd been referred back to them.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Sorry but there's no way I could personally condone hurting others. Unless in extreme circumstances- self defence or, I could understand a knee jerk reaction to witnessing someone doing something awful I guess.

Please bear in mind though that, whoever you target could well be quite innocent. How would it feel if some random stranger just randomly attacked one of your family members because they felt compelled to do so? Voices told them to do so or whatever?

If I'm really honest, your posts do frighten me because I wonder just what you are considering. Plus, selfishly, I'm in the UK- as I believe you are. Honestly, it frightens me that some individuals out there are plotting to do harm to people I might know and care about. Unlikely of course but, you never know. Whoever you target and however badly you 'hurt' them, you could have a very profound affect on their lives and the lives of the people who care about them. Honestly, it doesn't seem justified to me- just so you'll find it easier to CTB.

Sorry to sound so harsh. I do have sympathy for how you must be feeling to contemplate this but truthfully, I'm begging you to reconsider involving other people.

 

[ferrie]

I've seen this line of thinking with various people a few times. "If I do something horrible I'll have to die!" It never ends up going that way though. Every time I've seen someone act on this impulse, their actions impacted someone else & it just made their situation worse. They don't end up ctbing. If it's horrible enough they end up in jail or the hospital, and they always end up more miserable than before. The person who's hurt in the process doesn't deserve that either. Please don't bring others into your choice to ctb. Hurting others won't ensure your timeframe if you're already sure of your choice. Why do you feel making someone else suffer is necessary? I understand that shame can be a powerful motivator. With your belief that you have to die though, why do you need to manufacture a scenario where you can't back out? Why is hurting someone else the way to do that? I know that you do have empathy for other people, and I hope you take a step back and consider what following the intrusive thoughts or voices would really mean. A lot of your motivation seems to be to mitigate harm especially with your family and relatives who have been sick. So why does someone have to be harmed to force you to ctb? I hope you reconsider because you do know that harming others is wrong & it isn't something that has to happen. I deal with fairly destructive intrusive thoughts as well, so I know that it can be difficult to live in your own head hearing them. Mine get a lot worse when I haven't been sleeping. Have you been able to sleep when your parents are out of the house? Is there anywhere you could stay for a bit besides with your parents? I hope you're able to break the cycle you're in and think a little more clearly. Above all though, don't bring someone else into how much you're suffering. It's hard to feel trapped like this, but no one deserves to suffer more, especially when it's not their fault. The ends don't always justify the means. Hopefully what I'm saying comes across correctly. I hope you keep updating us too & that the mental health professional gets back to you soon

 

[lostintheloop]

I've seen this line of thinking with various people a few times. "If I do something horrible I'll have to die!" It never ends up going that way though. Every time I've seen someone act on this impulse, their actions impacted someone else & it just made their situation worse. They don't end up ctbing. If it's horrible enough they end up in jail or the hospital, and they always end up more miserable than before. The person who's hurt in the process doesn't deserve that either. Please don't bring others into your choice to ctb. Hurting others won't ensure your timeframe if you're already sure of your choice. Why do you feel making someone else suffer is necessary? I understand that shame can be a powerful motivator. With your belief that you have to die though, why do you need to manufacture a scenario where you can't back out? Why is hurting someone else the way to do that? I know that you do have empathy for other people, and I hope you take a step back and consider what following the intrusive thoughts or voices would really mean. A lot of your motivation seems to be to mitigate harm especially with your family and relatives who have been sick. So why does someone have to be harmed to force you to ctb? I hope you reconsider because you do know that harming others is wrong & it isn't something that has to happen. I deal with fairly destructive intrusive thoughts as well, so I know that it can be difficult to live in your own head hearing them. Mine get a lot worse when I haven't been sleeping. Have you been able to sleep when your parents are out of the house? Is there anywhere you could stay for a bit besides with your parents? I hope you're able to break the cycle you're in and think a little more clearly. Above all though, don't bring someone else into how much you're suffering. It's hard to feel trapped like this, but no one deserves to suffer more, especially when it's not their fault. The ends don't always justify the means. Hopefully what I'm saying comes across correctly. I hope you keep updating us too & that the mental health professional gets back to you soon

Sorry but there's no way I could personally condone hurting others. Unless in extreme circumstances- self defence or, I could understand a knee jerk reaction to witnessing someone doing something awful I guess.

Please bear in mind though that, whoever you target could well be quite innocent. How would it feel if some random stranger just randomly attacked one of your family members because they felt compelled to do so? Voices told them to do so or whatever?

If I'm really honest, your posts do frighten me because I wonder just what you are considering. Plus, selfishly, I'm in the UK- as I believe you are. Honestly, it frightens me that some individuals out there are plotting to do harm to people I might know and care about. Unlikely of course but, you never know. Whoever you target and however badly you 'hurt' them, you could have a very profound affect on their lives and the lives of the people who care about them. Honestly, it doesn't seem justified to me- just so you'll find it easier to CTB.

Sorry to sound so harsh. I do have sympathy for how you must be feeling to contemplate this but truthfully, I'm begging you to reconsider involving other people.

Sorry don't really have the words right now to reply fully. I hear you both though and appreciate taking time for thoughtful response. @ferrie for your kind approach as always. And apologies for any distress my posts caused @Forever Sleep

It isn't just about motivating my ctb, it will save many others in the long run. Maybe it doesn't completely justify the harm but it explains 'necessary evil'. I don't like this path and trying to find another but idk. maybe part of me wants reason to hurt people, I think deep down i could be that kind of person.

 

[ferrie]

Sorry don't really have the words right now to reply fully. I hear you both though and appreciate taking time for thoughtful response. @ferrie for your kind approach as always. And apologies for any distress my posts caused @Forever Sleep

It isn't just about motivating my ctb, it will save many others in the long run. Maybe it doesn't completely justify the harm but it explains 'necessary evil'. I don't like this path and trying to find another but idk. maybe part of me wants reason to hurt people, I think deep down i could be that kind of person.

Don't worry about replying if you're not up for it. These thoughts can be very consuming, so I just hope you're able to consider them from every angle. I don't think violent or abhorrent intrusive thoughts mean that's who we fundamentally are. How we decide to act on them is a lot more telling than thoughts we can't control. I'm obviously just an online stranger at the end of the day, but for what it's worth I don't think you actually want to hurt people or you wouldn't be so worried about your family's health as you are in some of your posts. If you don't like this path, then you don't have to take it. If they are intrusive thoughts, then there are ways to help manage it. Maybe that's something you can bring up with the MHP once you get another appointment with her? Or something you can look into to try to make your days a little easier while you decide what to do

 

[astr4]

i kinda did something similar, ghosted a lot of friends and got in silly "you don't care about me!" arguments with the rest of them. quit my job impulsively, dropped therapy. spending my savings on drugs so when i go broke i'll have to ctb.

i guess what i'm saying is there are ways to ruin your life and feel like you have to ctb without necessarily directly hurting someone else. idk what you had in mind but just some food for thought.

 

[doingitrighthistime]

Ruin the life of my abusive ex to the point of it being unrecoverable. Then I'd have to CTB.

 

[Dot]

So I was thinking if I act on intrusive thoughts/voices to do something bad then I will have no choice but to ctb. It will make sure that I can't back out. I wouldn't do anything too evil, just something that I can't forgive myself for. Something that I would be unable to live with. I know that makes me a bad person but ensuring I ctb within a certain timeframe will save many lives. So any small harm by doing this would be for the greater good.

No1 on SaSu wll Ncourge or spport actng on thghts whch wll brng harm t/ othr ppl

 

[lunar echo]

dont do it bro. u know that doing that is against ur chatacter so its not even the real u doing it

 

[lostintheloop]

dont do it bro. u know that doing that is against ur chatacter so its not even the real u doing it

Idk who or what the real me even is any more though.

 

[bitofftoomuch]

Do not fucking do it. It will not make anything easier. You will still be alive, will still have to stare down your SI, and on top of it you'll hate being alive even more. Your SI won't go away it'll just frustrate you more.

 

[Ash]

Idk who or what the real me even is any more though.

I said this before and you denied that you were a threat to others, but please, please ring 999 or go to A&E and tell them that you are a danger to yourself and innocent members of the public because you believe this is the only way to save members of your family from people who are controlling your via chips they forced your family to insert in your body.

I don't doubt that you are utterly sincere in your belief that every word of the above is true but for everyone's sake please try again to get the mental health team to listen. Keep it short and sweet like I summarised it above. Maybe they'll hear it that way.

 

[angryloli]

dont, idk what ure planning on doing, but if it involves hurting anyone then dont do it

 

[Ihoujin]

Idk what you are up to but,

I can tell you that harming other ppl can be..... pleasurable, addictive and will give you sick maddening ecstasy. Like there is this possibility in human soul to feed on suffering and get pleasure from torturing others.

It's like a drug and like every drug take its toll. There is so much potential for the evil.

By harming others you are harming really yourself. You're destroying yourself. It takes a lot of suffering to perceive this truth and you will be on that path one day. Can't you see that you are on that path of suffering right now?

Once you cross a certain line there is no way coming back. CTB will be your smallest concern.

 

[Why did they do it]

Idk what you are up to but,

I can tell you that harming other ppl can be..... pleasurable, addictive and will give you sick maddening ecstasy. Like there is this possibility in human soul to feed on suffering and get pleasure from torturing others.

It's like a drug and like every drug take its toll. There is so much potential for the evil.

By harming others you are harming really yourself. You're destroying yourself. It takes a lot of suffering to perceive this truth and you will be on that path one day. Can't you see that you are on that path of suffering right now?

Once you cross a certain line there is no way coming back. CTB will be your smallest concern.

Uhhhh, I mean ... With consent right? Right?

 

[Ash]

Uhhhh, I mean ... With consent right? Right?

Nope

 

[Ihoujin]

Uhhhh, I mean ... With consent right? Right?

Consent? Sounds like buzz killer

 

[lostintheloop]

Well this took a turn.
I don't want to get off on hurting people.

It would just be 1 final act of harm and my ctb shortly after. This would all be for greater good and will save others.

Consent? Sounds like buzz killer

 

[Ihoujin]

It would just be 1 final act of harm and my ctb shortly after. This would all be for greater good and will save others.

You never know.

 

[Ash]

Well this took a turn.
I don't want to get off on hurting people.

It would just be 1 final act of harm and my ctb shortly after. This would all be for greater good and will save others.

"Just"

Please, if you're for real, pick up your phone and dial 999. Or ask your parents to ring.