Venting Doing the deed, taking the first step

[qwerty32]

How do you prepare yourself when you get on the bus, taking the first step and it goes?
The first time I did it, I step away last second. Second and third time, I would say the bus stop working for a bit and I had to get off and find a place to recuperate.
The next coming time, I'm certain I'll get on it and it won't stop. I have to remind myself why I'm doing it from the get go. To remind myself the pain I went through. I don't want to go through such pain again. Many times I thought I was strong, but like a story in a movie or TV show, it brought me down to my knees. I've tried to dealt with it, but I hate having this constant feeling stabbing my heart and mind every day, every minute, every time I go to sleep and wake up.

I need to remind myself of the pain and breathe through it. I'm tired of being weak. But I'm also tired of being strong.

 

[Pryras]

Emotional pain can manifest itself into physical pain, I know that stabbing feeling and it's unbearable. Your pain is valid and I'm sorry you're going through this. My advice is to give it some more time. The bus is always there, you have a lifetime to decide when you're ready. As unbearable as it is, you made it to today. Your SI is keeping you from hopping on but when you're ready you will know.

That doesn't make anything easier to deal with but if you're certain you can always put it on pause and postpone it for when you're not impulsive and ready to make the final decision. SI will always be there to some extent but you'll know when you know.

 

[akrasia]

I'm sorry that life haven't treated you so well. It's totally okay to back out, don't hate on yourself too much.
I guess for me when I'm at the point of doing it, I'll just remind myself how much pain I'm in. That my time is ticking and there's no hope for me. For me I would over analyze things and back out, so i'll just try my best to clear my mind.