Yea I feel a huge amount of guilt b/c I've always been the kind of person who is very sensitive to other's feelings (prob to a fault) and would bend over backwards for others. If I was in a fight with someone, it would kill me knowing I might have said something that made them upset, I would always take the blame on myself even if they were the ones who were assholes, or abusive, or uncaring, etc. Honestly, it's a pretty unbalanced character flaw that made my life a little harder.
I have great friends, and an alright family, with 2 kids (niece and nephew) and for a while i hung on just bc i couldn't imagine hurting them. But, I have a chronic illness and a moment came where i realized all the drugs and medicines and $$$ spent on doctors is not helping, just sustaining a pretty mediocre and often very painful, fatigued and uncomfortable (physically) life and things are actually slowly getting worse. It also affects me deeply mentally; bad memory, poor word recall, DEEP ANHEDONIA , emotional numbness, depression and anxiety. So my CTB is not a call for attention for some teenage angst, or an impulsive "need to get out of here now, I'm overwhelmed" kind of decision.. it's a well thought out analysis of my life and health as it has been for the last decade and current state and a decision to HELP myself to not hurt anymore or in the future.. and guess what, I STILL FEEL GUILTY.
I"m not religious, but sometimes I think if God wanted it a different way then it would be different. I can't keep being the "strong one" constantly suffering while others have a normal life. They can't relate to my struggle and I know if they could experience what my daily life is like in my body they would understand. So i just keep repeating to myself what I believe in which is that we plan our lives and experiences before we come down here to earth. We make contracts with people from our soul families to come here with us and some of us pick very ambitious lives with a high chance of a suicide and everyone knows about it and agrees to it before hand. In fact, according to the books I read (Your Souls Gift by Robert Schwartz, which has an entire chapter on suicide) we want to have these experiences, b/c in one life you'll be the one committing suicide, in another you'll be experiencing someone else's. The soul wants to experience ALL situations of life, so it makes sense an incarnation comes where you'll have to be the one to CTB. This is all nice on paper, and easier said than done, but it's the only thing that gives me some kind of release from the guilt.
(sorry to have gone off the deep end with the spirituality stuff :)
EDIT: Funny, i just randomly came across one of my older posts which basically talks about the same thing (here). This is from Nov, so I was far away from my CTB date which is upcoming in the next 2-3 weeks. I see in my own writing how determined and confident I was that I'm doing the right thing. I guess i didn't know at the time the guilt would kick in the closer i got to the end.
