does anyone's guilt stop them?

[deflagrat]

The brother of my grandmother died in the spanish civil war with 18 years old (click in this wikipedia link if you are interested). I really wish that would have been me, l hate how unfair life is. Her other brother died of throat cancer about 40 years ago. The reasons why people die and live in this world feel so random... As if I was meant to stay alive even when I obviously don't want to but they had to die. Just... why?!

 

[Farmmaa]

Yes, I have a lot of guilt which has kept me here for years now.

I have four kids… who are now no longer kids. My oldest is 32, my youngest is 21.
They will be devastated, I have no doubt about that and I wish there was a way to end my suffering without causing them pain.

They are also all independent, in good marriages/relationships with wonderful partners and because they live in another part of the country, I only see them once, maybe twice a year. So, they will be hurt, they will grieve deeply.. but it will not affect their daily lives.

I also feel terrible for my dad. He just lost his youngest granddaughter and his only son 2 years ago and it almost killed him.
He and my brother were extremely close, so I know that losing me will not be as devastating … but losing two out of three of his children will be very hard on him.

 

[Meant2Die]

You are not leaving because you think you're a burden, I hope?

Haha , oh no, I def got over that feeling, although I did experience it when I was first beginning treatment. My mother assured me though that they would do all they could to help me, bc nothing is as important as my health. (This wasn't easy, it came after many years of them seeing me struggle. It also took many fights/crying sessions and conversations and me standing up for myself a lot for them to get on my page.)

 

[dmsdnd18]

I have been struggling with guilt for the last few months. Im in my late 20s and i get more worried the older my mom gets esp bc she lives alone. Shes a good person and has given me the best life she could, i dont want her to blame herself. But my mental illness has not been kind. There has also been a lot of family drama between her sisters lately which doesnt help; i would hate for her to feel so isolated. But now most days i feel like i do more harm than good and the bad outweigh the guilt

 

[chris8000]

I have great friends, and an alright family, with 2 kids (niece and nephew) and for a while i hung on just bc i couldn't imagine hurting them. But, I have a chronic illness and a moment came where i realized all the drugs and medicines and $$$ spent on doctors is not helping, just sustaining a pretty mediocre and often very painful, fatigued and uncomfortable (physically) life and things are actually slowly getting worse. It also affects me deeply mentally; bad memory, poor word recall, DEEP ANHEDONIA , emotional numbness, depression and anxiety. So my CTB is not a call for attention for some teenage angst, or an impulsive "need to get out of here now, I'm overwhelmed" kind of decision.. it's a well thought out analysis of my life and health as it has been for the last decade and current state and a decision to HELP myself to not hurt anymore or in the future.. and guess what, I STILL FEEL GUILTY.

Yeah I think life just forces you into very uncomfortable situations sometimes. I'm actually almost perfectly happy with the life I made for myself, apart from the crippling chronic disease and pain that took over, over the last 5 years and sucked out most of the enjoyment of it.

It is only natural to feel some sense of guilt when you think of the people you would leave behind, but sometimes your just left with a series of bad options. I agree it is good that your move towards CTB has been well thought out and makes sense, I think it is always good to come from a good place when making the decision to end life. I hope you find another way through it, but for me at least, I tried that for years and it is not working.

Cough cough... we won't mention how @Sensei said today I was not permitted to leave. Between you and Stan.....

Request to abdicate the throne denied. You're staying.

We must protect the Queen!

 

[Sensei]

Haha , oh no, I def got over that feeling, although I did experience it when I was first beginning treatment. My mother assured me though that they would do all they could to help me, bc nothing is as important as my health. (This wasn't easy, it came after many years of them seeing me struggle. It also took many fights/crying sessions and conversations and me standing up for myself a lot for them to get on my page.)

I see. Your motives are reasonable, then.

 

[Manja]

You can't be rational about these things bc this is heart domain. One time I run over my heart and destroyed innocent lives...I will never do it again...it haunts me

 

[Wayfaerer]

I had underestimated the guilt aspect before I had gotten to this point. It really comes down to if it's worth sticking it out for them and if it is, then I'd say to hold out. If it's too much then that would be when to go through with it.

The brother of my grandmother died in the spanish civil war with 18 years old (click in this wikipedia link if you are interested). I really wish that would have been me, l hate how unfair life is. Her other brother died of throat cancer about 40 years ago. The reasons why people die and live in this world feel so random... As if I was meant to stay alive even when I obviously don't want to but they had to die. Just... why?!

I've heard of that battle. I find the Spanish Civil War to be one of the more interesting ones, much moreso than ours. Dying in a war at 18, that's harsh...

 

[Jean Améry]

Is that true though? I would think that homelessness, prison, working as a slave would be way worse than losing a child IMO. Not downplaying it but I'm curious as to people calling it the worst thing ever.

That's likely because the people claiming this haven't experienced anything more horrible. In a way it's a nonsensical statement expressing deep grief: rationally speaking how can anyone claim to know what 'the worst thing ever is'? Unless they actually experienced all the bad things that are possible.

 

[Soul]

Is that true though? I would think that homelessness, prison, working as a slave would be way worse than losing a child IMO. Not downplaying it but I'm curious as to people calling it the worst thing ever.

The concept of it being the worst thing ever is quite new, since the 1950s when the use of penicillin became widespread. Even now in many parts of the world the death of a child is the natural course of things, not the worst thing ever.

But in (relatively) wealthy societies it's really quickly gained the status of something unnatural, tragic and painful.

 

[Sensei]

The concept of it being the worst thing ever is quite new, since the 1950s when the use of penicillin became widespread. Even now in many parts of the world the death of a child is the natural course of things, not the worst thing ever.

But in (relatively) wealthy societies it's really quickly gained the status of something unnatural, tragic and painful.

That's very interesting! I must admit that I did't know about this before. If you're read up on how the view on death has changed over the years, I'd love to read a thread about it.

 

[chris8000]

The concept of it being the worst thing ever is quite new, since the 1950s when the use of penicillin became widespread. Even now in many parts of the world the death of a child is the natural course of things, not the worst thing ever.

But in (relatively) wealthy societies it's really quickly gained the status of something unnatural, tragic and painful.

Yeah I think the psychology of it plays a role and how the society you live in perceives it, as well as the natural grieving. Your right in the poorest countries, especially, it happens all the time, so they must sort of get on with it a bit better than us I would have thought.

Not had children myself so I could not say from that perspective, but I have seen people go through that. Personally the worst thing ever for me isn't that, it would be stuck in a medieval dungeon most of your life being tortured everyday. Let's be thankful we're not in that situation, at least, I am.

 

[Soul]

Maybe what the (relatively) well-off mean is how direly helpless it makes them feel when one of their children dies. In a place like Yemen (for example) dire helplessness is a daily reality that a child dying is just another part of.

@Sensei, I'd be very interested in a thread like that too. I'm not well read on the subject; I helped to map a ruin of an old cemetary and it was very striking how suddenly babies and toddlers stopped being the main age group dying. I talked to the older members of the community and sure enough: penicillin.

But I didn't mean to highjack this thread. Apologies

 

[Moonicide]

I'm so far gone that I don't feel guilt. But I do hurt by knowing I will hurt my loved ones in the process of finding peace... I understand where you're coming from, love. And I have lived my life for others for so long. But at the end of the day, if we can't find a reason to live for ourselves, if our pain and suffering is so much greater than life itself... Then why are we here? I am glad you have tried to reach out to others, let alone tell us your story here. I appreciate that so much. In the end, only you hold the answer to your own question. Whether to continue to live for others and suffer, or finally be able to rest easy. Whichever you decide, I really do hope you can be at peace.

Sending you all of my love and support.

 

[S1mpleme]

Why guilt? We are free to choose - to live or not live. If someone has family and the will be miss you, that's understandable and I would say you're lucky to have such family. But it doesn't mean would be better suffer for family. Everyone has his own path in life. We don't have to be a doctor, just because our parents are or want.

 

[ZemTee]

The only reason I'm still alive is because I'm worried I'd upset my Mom and Grandmother if I CTB. I know it makes no sense, I don't owe anyone anything, etc, etc. Simply put, I don't want to devastate them and that, for now at least, matters more to me in my own perception, than dying. My Grandmother is getting older, and once she passes, I'll probably CTB. I can put up with devastating one person, and though she doesn't suspect me as currently suicidal, my mom knows my life's goal so far has been to largely isolate myself from and disassociate with humanity.

I guess just ask yourself if not upsetting your parents is worth not CTB. For me, I can't logically justify punishing myself for the sake of others, but I do it anyway.