Discussion Does anyone feel like they were meant to commit suicide?

[l1ablemistakes]

I do feel destined to suicide. My life has been a wreck for a long time. I remember the thought of suicide first arrived on Super Bowl Sunday 2011. 15 years today. 15 years I should have spent building a career and becoming an adult.

I always wanted higher things but I didn't have the talents or the discipline. My arrogance should have worn off but I never got over being a "gifted" kid. I thought I was smarter than everyone. I never learned calculus. I had trouble with algebra 2. The stupidity of my college papers put a knot in my stomach. I should have gotten humble but I never did. Even in the 15 years of extended childhood--into my mid-late 30s--I told myself stories about how I was about to hit it big.

It's just nuts what a ruined soul I am. I found my way to religion more than once to cope--I can be forgiven! I can start over and become a good person! That only made things worse. There's no way I'm gonna recover. I am in extreme mental pain all the time. I don't hope for anything but unconsciousness now.

I feel the same. I've seen a few suicides and their consequences and always empathised more with the deceased person than those mourning. I feel a sense of understanding and connection. I feel like nobody will ever understand me in that way unless I die. My final act of self expression.

 

[locketofroses]

I've been suicidal since I started highschool. Sometime between graduating and starting college I had this feeling... It's hard to describe. I felt like I hadn't meet the people I was supposed to meet in this life. I hadn't made those intimate (platonically speaking) connections that make life worth living and never had any adventures. I felt like, if I killed myself now, I'd be able to "catch up" with these people in a spirit realm or maybe meet them in the next life. It was honestly a peaceful feeling and was very strong compared to my years of SI before that. But I seriously felt like if I didn't ctb soon I would miss out on something. Fast forward to college. I'm still suicidal but I don't feel that urgent "missing out" feeling. Sometimes I wonder if I actually did miss out on something by not killing myself (not that I really had great means to do so). I know I'm probably just being delusional but it's an anonymous forum so I figured I'd ask if anyone has had some similar experiences.

Yes. Even before I knew suicide was a thing I remember thinking just instinctively that I would die young. No questions about it, I just knew. I didn't know how exactly, but I was sure of it.