Discussion Does anyone feel like they were meant to commit suicide?

[OnMyLast Legs]

I do feel destined to suicide. My life has been a wreck for a long time. I remember the thought of suicide first arrived on Super Bowl Sunday 2011. 15 years today. 15 years I should have spent building a career and becoming an adult.

I always wanted higher things but I didn't have the talents or the discipline. My arrogance should have worn off but I never got over being a "gifted" kid. I thought I was smarter than everyone. I never learned calculus. I had trouble with algebra 2. The stupidity of my college papers put a knot in my stomach. I should have gotten humble but I never did. Even in the 15 years of extended childhood--into my mid-late 30s--I told myself stories about how I was about to hit it big.

It's just nuts what a ruined soul I am. I found my way to religion more than once to cope--I can be forgiven! I can start over and become a good person! That only made things worse. There's no way I'm gonna recover. I am in extreme mental pain all the time. I don't hope for anything but unconsciousness now.

 

[Salkak]

Same. I have been suicidal for almost 10 years. I have a sense of longing for death. I have always known it's gonna end for me like that only but here I am. I don't even include myself in future plans. I just keep on collecting money so that I can die as comfortably as possible.

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

Not wanting to be alive is logical and rational. Life isn't worth the price. Nothing, however pleasurable it may seem, can change that. I know that living is an accident; I don't believe in the supernatural, God, etc. What keeps me here is only instinct and the fact that what happens every day hasn't yet happened: an accident, an illness, etc. In this biological game, we've all already lost. Our supposed achievements during life are illusory and serve to keep us here because anyone who rationally analyzes the process will reach the obvious conclusion: living has no meaning or purpose, except what each person will have to create, invent, a product of their own imagination. But that's as inconsistent as the smoke from my cigarette. Thus, the logical way out of existence is to die. Life itself, as a mechanism, doesn't want us here. This mechanism is indifferent and has only one objective: reproduction. Everything that has life only has it because this mechanism exists. Everything else is a creation of the human mind, which unfortunately evolved but never found answers to the meaning of existence. Now imagine a biological being with the ability to create things (in fact, just electrochemical impulses, etc.) in the mind, without any purpose? Even the most creative among us knows that we are merely forging some meaning where there is none. Thus, thinking about or wanting to die is absolutely logical and rational, even if most people say otherwise. I am 60 years old and for four decades I have always wanted not to be here. My life is the result of biological instinct and chance. My end, if I don't interrupt this pathetic process, will be the same as everyone else's. Until one of the two happens, I will live dragging myself along, knowing that I'm not going anywhere. I never have been, and nobody really is.

 

[ForgetIExist]

In some twisted weird way yeah because I've wanted to ctb for 12 years and how can that be my fault like seriously

That sounds like torture omg

Same. I have been suicidal for almost 10 years. I have a sense of longing for death. I have always known it's gonna end for me like that only but here I am. I don't even include myself in future plans. I just keep on collecting money so that I can die as comfortably as possible.

Dealing with SI for that long seems torturous. It will be a little less than a year before I can get a gun and I already get sick thinking about having to live through that.

Not wanting to be alive is logical and rational. Life isn't worth the price. Nothing, however pleasurable it may seem, can change that. I know that living is an accident; I don't believe in the supernatural, God, etc. What keeps me here is only instinct and the fact that what happens every day hasn't yet happened: an accident, an illness, etc. In this biological game, we've all already lost. Our supposed achievements during life are illusory and serve to keep us here because anyone who rationally analyzes the process will reach the obvious conclusion: living has no meaning or purpose, except what each person will have to create, invent, a product of their own imagination. But that's as inconsistent as the smoke from my cigarette. Thus, the logical way out of existence is to die. Life itself, as a mechanism, doesn't want us here. This mechanism is indifferent and has only one objective: reproduction. Everything that has life only has it because this mechanism exists. Everything else is a creation of the human mind, which unfortunately evolved but never found answers to the meaning of existence. Now imagine a biological being with the ability to create things (in fact, just electrochemical impulses, etc.) in the mind, without any purpose? Even the most creative among us knows that we are merely forging some meaning where there is none. Thus, thinking about or wanting to die is absolutely logical and rational, even if most people say otherwise. I am 60 years old and for four decades I have always wanted not to be here. My life is the result of biological instinct and chance. My end, if I don't interrupt this pathetic process, will be the same as everyone else's. Until one of the two happens, I will live dragging myself along, knowing that I'm not going anywhere. I never have been, and nobody really is.

What kept you here for forty years? Do you think sticking around was worth it?

Not wanting to be alive is logical and rational. Life isn't worth the price. Nothing, however pleasurable it may seem, can change that. I know that living is an accident; I don't believe in the supernatural, God, etc. What keeps me here is only instinct and the fact that what happens every day hasn't yet happened: an accident, an illness, etc. In this biological game, we've all already lost. Our supposed achievements during life are illusory and serve to keep us here because anyone who rationally analyzes the process will reach the obvious conclusion: living has no meaning or purpose, except what each person will have to create, invent, a product of their own imagination. But that's as inconsistent as the smoke from my cigarette. Thus, the logical way out of existence is to die. Life itself, as a mechanism, doesn't want us here. This mechanism is indifferent and has only one objective: reproduction. Everything that has life only has it because this mechanism exists. Everything else is a creation of the human mind, which unfortunately evolved but never found answers to the meaning of existence. Now imagine a biological being with the ability to create things (in fact, just electrochemical impulses, etc.) in the mind, without any purpose? Even the most creative among us knows that we are merely forging some meaning where there is none. Thus, thinking about or wanting to die is absolutely logical and rational, even if most people say otherwise. I am 60 years old and for four decades I have always wanted not to be here. My life is the result of biological instinct and chance. My end, if I don't interrupt this pathetic process, will be the same as everyone else's. Until one of the two happens, I will live dragging myself along, knowing that I'm not going anywhere. I never have been, and nobody really is.

What kept you here for forty years? Do you think sticking around was worth it?
Th

I do feel destined to suicide. My life has been a wreck for a long time. I remember the thought of suicide first arrived on Super Bowl Sunday 2011. 15 years today. 15 years I should have spent building a career and becoming an adult.

I always wanted higher things but I didn't have the talents or the discipline. My arrogance should have worn off but I never got over being a "gifted" kid. I thought I was smarter than everyone. I never learned calculus. I had trouble with algebra 2. The stupidity of my college papers put a knot in my stomach. I should have gotten humble but I never did. Even in the 15 years of extended childhood--into my mid-late 30s--I told myself stories about how I was about to hit it big.

It's just nuts what a ruined soul I am. I found my way to religion more than once to cope--I can be forgiven! I can start over and become a good person! That only made things worse. There's no way I'm gonna recover. I am in extreme mental pain all the time. I don't hope for anything but unconsciousness now

This is one of my worst fears! I'm so sorry!

Thinking on it... yeah. I've been pretty fortunate in life, all things considered, but the one thing that ruins it all is myself. A stronger person in my place would be perfectly fine, but i am not. just waking up every morning feels like climbing up a mountain, even during my better periods, so how was i ever meant to live a normal life? i think that even if i don't ctb this year or within the next 5 years, ultimately the thing that kills me will be myself.

Do you think it's because you were meant for something else, or nothing at all?

 

[BlockHammer]

When i think about it, honestly i faced a lot of inconvinience and stresses, but i guess this last 3 years do make me feel more and more suicidal, which surprising because i never thought im capable to be this depressed

 

[DownwardSpiral]

yes and i feel the same way. no deep connections and no adventures. I spent my whole childhood wacthing TV or screens excited for when I could get to live a fun life like the characters on screen, but when I got to age 12/13 I quickly realized that wasn't happening for me. Since then I just thought I wasn't meant to live a life like everyone else and I always though I would end up ctb so I never tried to fix anything. I isolated myself because I didn't know how to handle my feelings and so I missed out the last 10 years on growing up into an adult. When I got to college I just felt worse because it was supposed to be my new chance and I still isolated myself and made nothing of it. I know now I was at a disadvantage because of my parents, but now it feels all too late and I just ended up making a self-fulfilling prophecy because I was a helpless idiot.

 

[SomewhereNew]

That sounds like torture omg

Dealing with SI for that long seems torturous. It will be a little less than a year before I can get a gun and I already get sick thinking about having to live through that.

What kept you here for forty years? Do you think sticking around was worth it?

What kept you here for forty years? Do you think sticking around was worth it?
Th

This is one of my worst fears! I'm so sorry!

Do you think it's because you were meant for something else, or nothing at all?

14 years actually and it's something I've had no choice but to live with some days are better than others. I have about 6 attempts so far maybe more depends what you consider one

 

[IsolatedChaos]

I tried killing myself when I was 17, and ever since then I couldn't escape the feeling I wasn't meant to survive that night. Life surely has only been getting worse. Nothing to prove to me that it was worth it to stay, and it feels as if the world keeps trying to push me towards the "right conclusion". It's almost been a decade since then, I don't know why I'm still here.

 

[lpdsvm]

My own boss is trying scamming me. They keep me because I am cheaper than many people. I am not qualified and sooner or later they will throw me away when they find a cheaper one. Actually I won't mind. SN is waiting for me anyway.
I lied to myself I could do a lot of great things but I am just cheap as hell. That's all.
I feel I am destined to lose in life so I am destined to CTB then (or leave this world earlier). CTB is better for sure.

 

[thefarter]

hell yeah dude. and yk i wasn't even gonna actually. i was like nah that's just not realistic bc of the shit my family will go through after i do it. but then i got doxxed so it's pretty much inevitable now

 

[silverbell]

I don't feel attached to anyone/anything. I feel like if I ctb I won't regret it even one bit.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think, when we've grown up suicidal, it can definitely feel like an inevitable destination. I also started experiencing ideation young- aged 10. More by luck than judgement, I think I became obsessed with a more constructive coping mechanism. Maybe without that childhood crap, I wouldn't have so much. It's hard to 'thank' that period for anything. I suppose I feel like I followed one of my better life paths because of that but, even then- it still isn't enough.

I suppose in a way, for people who know me best and for the longest time- I almost hope they will realise my suicide was pretty much inevitable eventually. It was actually a very long time coming.

So for me- it's not so much that it was destined from birth but that enough crap happened early on to make it far more likely.

 

[4colliez]

i don't see myself going any other way anymore. currently i don't think id ever want to live a full life, i just can't give a meaning to it. just constant pain for nothing, i can't even think of how my life will be in a few months. wether its in 2 days or 10 years i feel like i know ill ctb

 

[ForgetIExist]

i don't see myself going any other way anymore. currently i don't think id ever want to live a full life, i just can't give a meaning to it. just constant pain for nothing, i can't even think of how my life will be in a few months. wether its in 2 days or 10 years i feel like i know ill ctb

Same. I can't imagine a future for myself anymore. Even if things miraculously got better, (they won't) I've been suicidal for so long that I just know I would eventually compulsively buy myself a gun and shoot myself

 

[UkyoNtx]

At first I never felt it, until I started having problems with bullyng at school and difficulties staying in any job due to social problems, the problem got worse when I reached adulthood and discovered that I am autistic, not that I hate myself, but the world is already difficult for people who are not autistic, so for me everything is much worse, especially because my diagnosis is late

I don't think I can adapt my head to live in this world anymore, my psychological damage is very severe even with treatments :/

 

[notreallybored]

ב''ה, nobody likes an adventurer (aside from, y'know, on TV to laugh at), they just want money. Along with the illusion of security that's never existed in this world.

Not saying they don't have a point, but if you still know people, try asking them to go somewhere or do something other than work or paid entertainment products that force you to work to consume them.

 

[strawb15]

I've been suicidal since I started highschool. Sometime between graduating and starting college I had this feeling... It's hard to describe. I felt like I hadn't meet the people I was supposed to meet in this life. I hadn't made those intimate (platonically speaking) connections that make life worth living and never had any adventures. I felt like, if I killed myself now, I'd be able to "catch up" with these people in a spirit realm or maybe meet them in the next life. It was honestly a peaceful feeling and was very strong compared to my years of SI before that. But I seriously felt like if I didn't ctb soon I would miss out on something. Fast forward to college. I'm still suicidal but I don't feel that urgent "missing out" feeling. Sometimes I wonder if I actually did miss out on something by not killing myself (not that I really had great means to do so). I know I'm probably just being delusional but it's an anonymous forum so I figured I'd ask if anyone has had some similar experiences.

I don't think I ever felt like I was "missing out" or anything by not ctb, but I have been suicidal since at least the age of 5-6. I always had ctb as an escape to whatever thing was going on at the moment. Even when I wasn't having a moment I wanted to ctb, I didn't understand why people even tried (including doing basic things like getting a haircut) if they were going to die anyways. It feels like I never believed I would even live to adulthood. It wasn't like I couldn't see myself growing old but more I knew I was going to ctb soon (relative to average lifespan obviously).

 

[ForgetIExist]

I think, when we've grown up suicidal, it can definitely feel like an inevitable destination. I also started experiencing ideation young- aged 10. More by luck than judgement, I think I became obsessed with a more constructive coping mechanism. Maybe without that childhood crap, I wouldn't have so much. It's hard to 'thank' that period for anything. I suppose I feel like I followed one of my better life paths because of that but, even then- it still isn't enough.

I suppose in a way, for people who know me best and for the longest time- I almost hope they will realise my suicide was pretty much inevitable eventually. It was actually a very long time coming.

So for me- it's not so much that it was destined from birth but that enough crap happened early on to make it far more likely.

Honestly this is exactly how I feel. I did sh and was suicidal from such a young age that it feels inevitable at this point, not because I've had a destiny since birth, but because of the shitty way I was raised. I'm always suicidal about something and thoughts of offing myself come to be uncontrollably, all the time. Even when I try to clear my head and focus, my mind's voice just constantly repeats some version of "I just wanna fucking kill myself" over and over. It sucks when I'm genuinely trying to focus and be present. I've just accepted the fact that it will never go away. Even on a "good day" I lie in bed at the end of it and think "this is a good day for me? I'm so fucking pathetic." Logically I shouldn't be this unhappy but all I want to do at any given moment is lie down and go to sleep.

 

[XdeadfaeX]

Honestly wouldn't be surprised if they had a life insurance policy on me as we speak with suicide as it's main variable. It that's just me trying to find a sound reason behind the horrible character of people.

 

[asgoodasdead]

Idk how else to say it besides thank you for posting this as I've been thinking about this a lot. Starting having feelings when I was maybe 10? Hasn't gotten any better ever since…

 

[eyenumbing]

i've been suicidal since the age of 14/15 and i don't see a way out of it

 

[simplymiserable]

Different people have different destinies. Some are meant to be experience joy, love, happiness. Others just bound to a miserable life

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

I often feel like maybe my life was meant to end by my own hand. I'm currently trying to rationalize better, because I do want to live yknow?

 

[wet_towel]

It was honestly a peaceful feeling and was very strong compared to my years of SI before that. But I seriously felt like if I didn't ctb soon I would miss out on something.

This. I feel like I have to, like there's some invisible force leading me back to it over and over again. There's points in my life where I feel obligated to, and when I fail, I feel the failure so immensely until the next time I feel that intense pull. It's something I know will happen, and the world is just trying to nudge me in the right direction, and getting just as frustrated with me as I do when I fail. I feel the pull again it's just a matter of when.

 

[thefarter]

yeag. i been feeling it so long it has to happen. and i add nothing to the world. like nothing would change. everything would continue. am lowkey a burden
i mean for my family it would hurt. but hopefully with time they would understand why i had to do it.

 

[bakenohana]

In a way, yeah
I've been suicidal since I was 9-10 ish (18 now) I've known for much of my life that I'm destined to die and it feels like everything in my life goes the way it does in order to make me want to ctb even more. I really can't see myself living past 21 and even the idea of staying alive honestly makes me sick, I'm not meant for this world or any world for that matter

 

[legionary]

absolutely, ever since i was born i felt like i wasnt really meant to be alive. my parents neglected me very badly and very obviously yet no one did anything about it (cps, school, etc, who have acknowledged my issues and also complained about the consequences of them i.e. me skipping classes a lot for example) and this pattern has dragged itself throughout my entire life. i feel like i was put onto this earth so i could be punished with how wrong and disgusting i constantly feel. i genuinely do believe my soul must be innately evil and bad (though i feel as a person im very interested in other peoples wellbeing) or that i did something absolutely terrible in my past life, and that this has lead to my birth being a sort of punishment measure so i could atone for it. the universe (or god or whoever is responsible for my existence) has made my life bad enough to push me to the most selfish act of all; suicide. when i take that step it will be undeniable that i am a bad and evil being, thats what the goal is.

 

[ForgetIExist]

Different people have different destinies. Some are meant to be experience joy, love, happiness. Others just bound to a miserable life

Really hoping we can be and feel better in another life...

In a way, yeah
I've been suicidal since I was 9-10 ish (18 now) I've known for much of my life that I'm destined to die and it feels like everything in my life goes the way it does in order to make me want to ctb even more. I really can't see myself living past 21 and even the idea of staying alive honestly makes me sick, I'm not meant for this world or any world for that matter

I understand. If I'm still alive at 21 I'm getting my LTC and getting myself to out of here.

I often feel like maybe my life was meant to end by my own hand. I'm currently trying to rationalize better, because I do want to live yknow?

Like if you were offered a better life, you would totally take it?

 

[SarcasticRelief]

Nah. Not until I was older. As a kid I had the blind happiness + hope that everything will end up okay, and always looked up for the future.

Now I'm 22, still subhuman facially. I'm planning surgeries to fix my face but realistically I don't see any meaningful improvement that will be made. Even with the fact that I make a lot of money.

I'll just be a lonely incel, forever it seems. Youth is passing me by.