Discussion Does anyone feel like they were meant to commit suicide?

[OnMyLast Legs]

I do feel destined to suicide. My life has been a wreck for a long time. I remember the thought of suicide first arrived on Super Bowl Sunday 2011. 15 years today. 15 years I should have spent building a career and becoming an adult.

I always wanted higher things but I didn't have the talents or the discipline. My arrogance should have worn off but I never got over being a "gifted" kid. I thought I was smarter than everyone. I never learned calculus. I had trouble with algebra 2. The stupidity of my college papers put a knot in my stomach. I should have gotten humble but I never did. Even in the 15 years of extended childhood--into my mid-late 30s--I told myself stories about how I was about to hit it big.

It's just nuts what a ruined soul I am. I found my way to religion more than once to cope--I can be forgiven! I can start over and become a good person! That only made things worse. There's no way I'm gonna recover. I am in extreme mental pain all the time. I don't hope for anything but unconsciousness now.

 

[Salkak]

Same. I have been suicidal for almost 10 years. I have a sense of longing for death. I have always known it's gonna end for me like that only but here I am. I don't even include myself in future plans. I just keep on collecting money so that I can die as comfortably as possible.

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

Not wanting to be alive is logical and rational. Life isn't worth the price. Nothing, however pleasurable it may seem, can change that. I know that living is an accident; I don't believe in the supernatural, God, etc. What keeps me here is only instinct and the fact that what happens every day hasn't yet happened: an accident, an illness, etc. In this biological game, we've all already lost. Our supposed achievements during life are illusory and serve to keep us here because anyone who rationally analyzes the process will reach the obvious conclusion: living has no meaning or purpose, except what each person will have to create, invent, a product of their own imagination. But that's as inconsistent as the smoke from my cigarette. Thus, the logical way out of existence is to die. Life itself, as a mechanism, doesn't want us here. This mechanism is indifferent and has only one objective: reproduction. Everything that has life only has it because this mechanism exists. Everything else is a creation of the human mind, which unfortunately evolved but never found answers to the meaning of existence. Now imagine a biological being with the ability to create things (in fact, just electrochemical impulses, etc.) in the mind, without any purpose? Even the most creative among us knows that we are merely forging some meaning where there is none. Thus, thinking about or wanting to die is absolutely logical and rational, even if most people say otherwise. I am 60 years old and for four decades I have always wanted not to be here. My life is the result of biological instinct and chance. My end, if I don't interrupt this pathetic process, will be the same as everyone else's. Until one of the two happens, I will live dragging myself along, knowing that I'm not going anywhere. I never have been, and nobody really is.

 

[ForgetIExist]

In some twisted weird way yeah because I've wanted to ctb for 12 years and how can that be my fault like seriously

That sounds like torture omg

Same. I have been suicidal for almost 10 years. I have a sense of longing for death. I have always known it's gonna end for me like that only but here I am. I don't even include myself in future plans. I just keep on collecting money so that I can die as comfortably as possible.

Dealing with SI for that long seems torturous. It will be a little less than a year before I can get a gun and I already get sick thinking about having to live through that.

Not wanting to be alive is logical and rational. Life isn't worth the price. Nothing, however pleasurable it may seem, can change that. I know that living is an accident; I don't believe in the supernatural, God, etc. What keeps me here is only instinct and the fact that what happens every day hasn't yet happened: an accident, an illness, etc. In this biological game, we've all already lost. Our supposed achievements during life are illusory and serve to keep us here because anyone who rationally analyzes the process will reach the obvious conclusion: living has no meaning or purpose, except what each person will have to create, invent, a product of their own imagination. But that's as inconsistent as the smoke from my cigarette. Thus, the logical way out of existence is to die. Life itself, as a mechanism, doesn't want us here. This mechanism is indifferent and has only one objective: reproduction. Everything that has life only has it because this mechanism exists. Everything else is a creation of the human mind, which unfortunately evolved but never found answers to the meaning of existence. Now imagine a biological being with the ability to create things (in fact, just electrochemical impulses, etc.) in the mind, without any purpose? Even the most creative among us knows that we are merely forging some meaning where there is none. Thus, thinking about or wanting to die is absolutely logical and rational, even if most people say otherwise. I am 60 years old and for four decades I have always wanted not to be here. My life is the result of biological instinct and chance. My end, if I don't interrupt this pathetic process, will be the same as everyone else's. Until one of the two happens, I will live dragging myself along, knowing that I'm not going anywhere. I never have been, and nobody really is.

What kept you here for forty years? Do you think sticking around was worth it?

Not wanting to be alive is logical and rational. Life isn't worth the price. Nothing, however pleasurable it may seem, can change that. I know that living is an accident; I don't believe in the supernatural, God, etc. What keeps me here is only instinct and the fact that what happens every day hasn't yet happened: an accident, an illness, etc. In this biological game, we've all already lost. Our supposed achievements during life are illusory and serve to keep us here because anyone who rationally analyzes the process will reach the obvious conclusion: living has no meaning or purpose, except what each person will have to create, invent, a product of their own imagination. But that's as inconsistent as the smoke from my cigarette. Thus, the logical way out of existence is to die. Life itself, as a mechanism, doesn't want us here. This mechanism is indifferent and has only one objective: reproduction. Everything that has life only has it because this mechanism exists. Everything else is a creation of the human mind, which unfortunately evolved but never found answers to the meaning of existence. Now imagine a biological being with the ability to create things (in fact, just electrochemical impulses, etc.) in the mind, without any purpose? Even the most creative among us knows that we are merely forging some meaning where there is none. Thus, thinking about or wanting to die is absolutely logical and rational, even if most people say otherwise. I am 60 years old and for four decades I have always wanted not to be here. My life is the result of biological instinct and chance. My end, if I don't interrupt this pathetic process, will be the same as everyone else's. Until one of the two happens, I will live dragging myself along, knowing that I'm not going anywhere. I never have been, and nobody really is.

What kept you here for forty years? Do you think sticking around was worth it?
Th

I do feel destined to suicide. My life has been a wreck for a long time. I remember the thought of suicide first arrived on Super Bowl Sunday 2011. 15 years today. 15 years I should have spent building a career and becoming an adult.

I always wanted higher things but I didn't have the talents or the discipline. My arrogance should have worn off but I never got over being a "gifted" kid. I thought I was smarter than everyone. I never learned calculus. I had trouble with algebra 2. The stupidity of my college papers put a knot in my stomach. I should have gotten humble but I never did. Even in the 15 years of extended childhood--into my mid-late 30s--I told myself stories about how I was about to hit it big.

It's just nuts what a ruined soul I am. I found my way to religion more than once to cope--I can be forgiven! I can start over and become a good person! That only made things worse. There's no way I'm gonna recover. I am in extreme mental pain all the time. I don't hope for anything but unconsciousness now

This is one of my worst fears! I'm so sorry!

Thinking on it... yeah. I've been pretty fortunate in life, all things considered, but the one thing that ruins it all is myself. A stronger person in my place would be perfectly fine, but i am not. just waking up every morning feels like climbing up a mountain, even during my better periods, so how was i ever meant to live a normal life? i think that even if i don't ctb this year or within the next 5 years, ultimately the thing that kills me will be myself.

Do you think it's because you were meant for something else, or nothing at all?

 

[BlockHammer]

When i think about it, honestly i faced a lot of inconvinience and stresses, but i guess this last 3 years do make me feel more and more suicidal, which surprising because i never thought im capable to be this depressed

 

[DownwardSpiral]

yes and i feel the same way. no deep connections and no adventures. I spent my whole childhood wacthing TV or screens excited for when I could get to live a fun life like the characters on screen, but when I got to age 12/13 I quickly realized that wasn't happening for me. Since then I just thought I wasn't meant to live a life like everyone else and I always though I would end up ctb so I never tried to fix anything. I isolated myself because I didn't know how to handle my feelings and so I missed out the last 10 years on growing up into an adult. When I got to college I just felt worse because it was supposed to be my new chance and I still isolated myself and made nothing of it. I know now I was at a disadvantage because of my parents, but now it feels all too late and I just ended up making a self-fulfilling prophecy because I was a helpless idiot.