Discussion Does anyone feel like they were meant to commit suicide?

[ForgetIExist]

I've been suicidal since I started highschool. Sometime between graduating and starting college I had this feeling... It's hard to describe. I felt like I hadn't meet the people I was supposed to meet in this life. I hadn't made those intimate (platonically speaking) connections that make life worth living and never had any adventures. I felt like, if I killed myself now, I'd be able to "catch up" with these people in a spirit realm or maybe meet them in the next life. It was honestly a peaceful feeling and was very strong compared to my years of SI before that. But I seriously felt like if I didn't ctb soon I would miss out on something. Fast forward to college. I'm still suicidal but I don't feel that urgent "missing out" feeling. Sometimes I wonder if I actually did miss out on something by not killing myself (not that I really had great means to do so). I know I'm probably just being delusional but it's an anonymous forum so I figured I'd ask if anyone has had some similar experiences.

 

[aRose]

Yes. Been suicidal since I was about 8-10yo. I've kinda always known this would be my undoing just now that I'm older it's much more real cuz I have the right means to do so
I've tried to kill myself in obviously ineffective ways in the past but now I can buy real stuff and do it for real and my SI is annoying af too

 

[ForgetIExist]

I

Yes. Been suicidal since I was about 8-10yo. I've kinda always known this would be my undoing just now that I'm older it's much more real cuz I have the right means to do so
I've tried to kill myself in obviously ineffective ways in the past but now I can buy real stuff and do it for real and my SI is annoying af too

That's such a horrible age to start having those feelings. I know it's a given, but life truly is unfair. Honestly, we're in the same boat. Over the past few years I've fantasized about a variety of different methods (jumping off nearby water tower, crashing may car, turning on car in garage when nobody home) but never attempted due to the fact that my death wasn't guaranteed. Now I'm almost at the age where I can just get my gun licence and it feels like even if things get better (I know they won't) I will still die by suicide just by virtue of the fact that I can get a gun with relative ease, and I've been thinking about suicide daily for so many years.

 

[aRose]

Yeah I bought the gun back just before Christmas. I'm more inclined to try CO charcole method first. But a gun just makes the most sense. My SI doesn't seem to want to make it that easy though.

 

[thelostautistic]

Yes I feel this way. I've been suicidal since I was 12. I'm 24 now and those thoughts have never gone away, they've only got worse. I always knew that this would be the way I died.

 

[hurb]

I've been suicidal since I started highschool. Sometime between graduating and starting college I had this feeling... It's hard to describe. I felt like I hadn't meet the people I was supposed to meet in this life. I hadn't made those intimate (platonically speaking) connections that make life worth living and never had any adventures. I felt like, if I killed myself now, I'd be able to "catch up" with these people in a spirit realm or maybe meet them in the next life. It was honestly a peaceful feeling and was very strong compared to my years of SI before that. But I seriously felt like if I didn't ctb soon I would miss out on something. Fast forward to college. I'm still suicidal but I don't feel that urgent "missing out" feeling. Sometimes I wonder if I actually did miss out on something by not killing myself (not that I really had great means to do so). I know I'm probably just being delusional but it's an anonymous forum so I figured I'd ask if anyone has had some similar experiences.

Omgg sameee. I feel like im a main character that was written like a side character. I feel like I should Ctb to commit to the bit and be true to the story lol..
But yeah deep down i know i didnt get the good variables

 

[Tautochrome]

Kind of. My experience is a little different. I threw my life away at a very young age, shortly after I started school iirc. The thought of getting out has always been there, at the back of my mind, in some form, as well as an impression that I'm a flawed, incomplete version of myself that isn't worth investing in. Everything seemed like too much of a hassle, so I avoided as much discomfort, as many social risks as I could. I still do, and I can't say I regret the approach. It was meant to be this way.

 

[NeoN0va]

Ive lost pretty much all meaning to life, thats kind of why i wanted and still want to ctb. Ive been through friendships, relationships yet it never gave me any satisfaction nor did it made me recover any quicker; instead it all made me even more anxious as i hate losing contact with people, it practically always ends up in me falling even lower than i already did. Worst part is i dont know how to show emotions, like i can feel as if i want to bawl my eyes out but i just simply cant cry for gosh knows what reason, my speculation is that im just too numb emotionally, as if my body was too tired to cry or something like that. Ive had to encounter many traumatizing events throughout my life and especially in my childhood, i guess i just got used to stuff like that and even if it hurts i just cant get myself to crying. Ctb would make me feel good, because i imagine death as just going to an eternal sleep, and sleeping is pretty cool hehe ^w^ games, movies, books, music, things i enjoyed are no longer that cool. Intimacy didnt give me much joy as well. Ctb seems like the right choice for me, im just waiting really.

 

[TwoSoulsLiveInMe]

Definitely. There's an aspect of karmic destiny to suicide, don't take that too literally, but that is the vibe. For me it's a perfect mixture of the bodily autonomy in making the choice to ctb, combined with the positive/negative forces outside of your control in your life that sway you into making that decision.
Personally, I've been plagued with suicidal thoughts and actions for over a decade now. And ever since the very beginning when I was very young and contemplating it for the first time, there's been a feeling of inevitability about it all. It's like even considering it locked me into this life-long waiting game.

 

[sealsarecute]

absolutely.

i cannot see myself living past 23, it just doesnt make sense. i dont think i was made to keep living. im bound to die one way or another ^^"

 

[ForgetIExist]

Yes I feel this way. I've been suicidal since I was 12. I'm 24 now and those thoughts have never gone away, they've only got worse. I always knew that this would be the way I died.

Really wish we lived in a world where things do get better Wishing you the best

Definitely. There's an aspect of karmic destiny to suicide, don't take that too literally, but that is the vibe. For me it's a perfect mixture of the bodily autonomy in making the choice to ctb, combined with the positive/negative forces outside of your control in your life that sway you into making that decision.
Personally, I've been plagued with suicidal thoughts and actions for over a decade now. And ever since the very beginning when I was very young and contemplating it for the first time, there's been a feeling of inevitability about it all. It's like even considering it locked me into this life-long waiting game.

Karmic destiny is honestly a good way to put it that I've never thought about before.

Ive lost pretty much all meaning to life, thats kind of why i wanted and still want to ctb. Ive been through friendships, relationships yet it never gave me any satisfaction nor did it made me recover any quicker; instead it all made me even more anxious as i hate losing contact with people, it practically always ends up in me falling even lower than i already did. Worst part is i dont know how to show emotions, like i can feel as if i want to bawl my eyes out but i just simply cant cry for gosh knows what reason, my speculation is that im just too numb emotionally, as if my body was too tired to cry or something like that. Ive had to encounter many traumatizing events throughout my life and especially in my childhood, i guess i just got used to stuff like that and even if it hurts i just cant get myself to crying. Ctb would make me feel good, because i imagine death as just going to an eternal sleep, and sleeping is pretty cool hehe ^w^ games, movies, books, music, things i enjoyed are no longer that cool. Intimacy didnt give me much joy as well. Ctb seems like the right choice for me, im just waiting really.

Wanting to cry but being physically unable to is incredibly relatable. I haven't had a good cry in a long time, not because I try to stop myself but because I think I've numbed out too.

 

[madwoman]

Hate this for you all but yeah me too. I have always been suicidal from as far as I can remember and my mom and grandma also died by suicide so it feels fitting for me to o & the way I'm supposed to go and rather it be on my own terms.

 

[Nightingale93]

Yeah I know what you mean. I'm not religious, but I'm not an atheist either. I believe in some weird spiritual energy thing, and that reincarnation is a thing, etc.
Maybe free will isn't a thing after all, and there is some sort of predestined plan or path we are set upon. I couldn't foresee myself feeling this way when I was younger, but unfortunately everything I've experienced or lack thereof has led to this, and one day I'll be passing on from my own doing.
I hope if I do reincarnate, I get put into a more ideal existence. If it's just eternal oblivion, that's ok too.

 

[Gabbi_Station]

I've been suicidal since I started highschool. Sometime between graduating and starting college I had this feeling... It's hard to describe. I felt like I hadn't meet the people I was supposed to meet in this life. I hadn't made those intimate (platonically speaking) connections that make life worth living and never had any adventures. I felt like, if I killed myself now, I'd be able to "catch up" with these people in a spirit realm or maybe meet them in the next life. It was honestly a peaceful feeling and was very strong compared to my years of SI before that. But I seriously felt like if I didn't ctb soon I would miss out on something. Fast forward to college. I'm still suicidal but I don't feel that urgent "missing out" feeling. Sometimes I wonder if I actually did miss out on something by not killing myself (not that I really had great means to do so). I know I'm probably just being delusional but it's an anonymous forum so I figured I'd ask if anyone has had some similar experiences.

I constantly become convinced that I am supposed to die and didn't think I would live past 22. It's why I have attempted three times… it just always feels "fated", in a way

Every time I try to have a "happy" life… something goes horribly wrong.

 

[MicahBell]

Absolutely. I used to occasionally feel like the universe was giving me signs to kill myself soon. I knew I was being delusional and these things weren't objectively true but I felt that way none the less. If I failed to CTB I felt panicked that my opportunity to live a happy next life were slipping away

 

[Spite]

I think it's how I was destined to die. I certainly don't think I will die naturally. It'll be by my own hands. I think it's inevitable that my life will end in suicide. I don't think it's a matter of "if", but "when".

 

[ForgetIExist]

Hate this for you all but yeah me too. I have always been suicidal from as far as I can remember and my mom and grandma also died by suicide so it feels fitting for me to o & the way I'm supposed to go and rather it be on my own terms.

That has to be one of the worst types of generational trauma. If there's a next life, I hope things will be better for all of you

I think it's how I was destined to die. I certainly don't think I will die naturally. It'll be by my own hands. I think it's inevitable that my life will end in suicide. I don't think it's a matter of "if", but "when".

Same. The thought of suicide has been so constant throughout my life that I can't imagine a better future for myself because even in those unrealistic "better" futures, I see myself just impulsively buying a gun and shooting myself the moment life starts to take a turn.

Absolutely. I used to occasionally feel like the universe was giving me signs to kill myself soon. I knew I was being delusional and these things weren't objectively true but I felt that way none the less. If I failed to CTB I felt panicked that my opportunity to live a happy next life were slipping away

Even if we're both delusional it's reassuring to know others what your experience. I often hope that this life is just a fluke that happens in the reincarnation cycle and that there are lives out there with better people and experiences waiting for me. I mean, people die young all the time so it makes sense that we won't have what we are destined for in every lifetime, right? I hope we both get what we want in the end

I constantly become convinced that I am supposed to die and didn't think I would live past 22. It's why I have attempted three times… it just always feels "fated", in a way

Every time I try to have a "happy" life… something goes horribly wrong.

Three failed attempts is rough... I'm sorry you had to go through that. I get embarrassed thinking about my one failed attempt that nobody knew about. I can't imagine three...

Yeah I know what you mean. I'm not religious, but I'm not an atheist either. I believe in some weird spiritual energy thing, and that reincarnation is a thing, etc.
Maybe free will isn't a thing after all, and there is some sort of predestined plan or path we are set upon. I couldn't foresee myself feeling this way when I was younger, but unfortunately everything I've experienced or lack thereof has led to this, and one day I'll be passing on from my own doing.
I hope if I do reincarnate, I get put into a more ideal existence. If it's just eternal oblivion, that's ok too.

I'm in a similar spot. I'm not religious, but I would like to believe there's some greater workings of the universe that we can place hope in. I just can't find any school of thought that I could convince my logical mind to believe in. I'm also okay with eternal oblivion because it means that it wouldn't matter wether I enjoyed it didn't enjoy my life in the end. I didn't miss out on anything and I won't be around to be upset about the fact that my life was miserable. There's a sort of comfort I get from that. It's like the peaceful feeling of being asleep and not dreaming. You just simply don't exist and that's okay.

Yeah I know what you mean. I'm not religious, but I'm not an atheist either. I believe in some weird spiritual energy thing, and that reincarnation is a thing, etc.
Maybe free will isn't a thing after all, and there is some sort of predestined plan or path we are set upon. I couldn't foresee myself feeling this way when I was younger, but unfortunately everything I've experienced or lack thereof has led to this, and one day I'll be passing on from my own doing.
I hope if I do reincarnate, I get put into a more ideal existence. If it's just eternal oblivion, that's ok too.

I'm curious, what kind of spiritual energy/reincarnation do you believe in?

 

[overlivedmystay]

I remember realizing as a teenager how unlucky I was to be born into the situation I was born into. I also had huge regrets with the high school I went to since I never felt a sense of belonging there, and I missed out on a lot of things that people in high school usually do.

 

[StupidCat]

I always felt like I wanted to die as early as 7.
And all my life I felt that I was never meant to be an adult.
I feel like I'm living on borrowed time, I should have died years ago.

 

[ForgetIExist]

I always felt like I wanted to die as early as 7.
And all my life I felt that I was never meant to be an adult.
I feel like I'm living on borrowed time, I should have died years ago.

Jesus Christ. Can't imagine what you had to go through to feel that way before double digits. Do you ever think that there's something better waiting for you beyond this life?

 

[Untoten_]

I've been suicidal since I started highschool. Sometime between graduating and starting college I had this feeling... It's hard to describe. I felt like I hadn't meet the people I was supposed to meet in this life. I hadn't made those intimate (platonically speaking) connections that make life worth living and never had any adventures. I felt like, if I killed myself now, I'd be able to "catch up" with these people in a spirit realm or maybe meet them in the next life. It was honestly a peaceful feeling and was very strong compared to my years of SI before that. But I seriously felt like if I didn't ctb soon I would miss out on something. Fast forward to college. I'm still suicidal but I don't feel that urgent "missing out" feeling. Sometimes I wonder if I actually did miss out on something by not killing myself (not that I really had great means to do so). I know I'm probably just being delusional but it's an anonymous forum so I figured I'd ask if anyone has had some similar experiences.

I remember being 7 years old wondering if 3 floors was enough.

So yes. Easily. I've tried like 9 times since I was that age, last year in early September was the closest I had ever been.

I've never fit in anywhere. Now the person I wanted to change and live for walked away. So who's stopping me?

 

[StupidCat]

Jesus Christ. Can't imagine what you had to go through to feel that way before double digits. Do you ever think that there's something better waiting for you beyond this life?

Well since I was kid I often heard the phrase 'all children go to heaven' that's I wanted to die so I could go there and be happy.

 

[liquid jen]

100% it is my fate. Thanks to my parents I was destined to be born fucked as is, and I only grew to have views that furthered my need to end it. Every single little event that has happened in my life will lead up to me CTB. When I was born the umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck, so I think I'll have to go by hanging. It is what the world has chosen for me I'm sure.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm certainly only meant for the peace of non-existence, for me non-existence is just all that's positive in this existence so torturous and cruel that I just always saw as a mistake, to suffer in this existence truly is the most terrible, undeserved punishment and the fact that this existence was imposed causing all this harm and suffering as a result with no limit as to how much one can be tortured truly is the most dreadful tragedy.

All I want is to never suffer again, to be conscious in this existence is just always so torturous, only non-existence can bring me the peace I search for from the evil of existence where every second existing beings are tortured in agony, I'll just always see existence as the problem, I was certainly never meant for any of this, I find it so horrible how the torture of existing can continue for decades longer just for one to end up in way worse unbearable agony, I just wish I could erase this existence.

 

[itsgone2]

I remember realizing as a teenager how unlucky I was to be born into the situation I was born into. I also had huge regrets with the high school I went to since I never felt a sense of belonging there, and I missed out on a lot of things that people in high school usually do.

This is so me. I had friends in hs but also awkward and didn't do so much. It's a sign perhaps. I only had one attempt then and it was barely that but I should have ended things then. Op is right, some people are meant to. So why are we here in the first place?