Does anyone else write their suicide note in their head all the time?

[taker_of_insulin]

Almost every day, I type out my note that I'd like to leave my friends and family in my head. And it's so long, I should probably try and put my thoughts down on paper, so when I am ready, I'll be able to leave a good piece of literature for them. lol.

But honestly, I constantly think about the last things I'd like to say to so many people. And in my head, the letter is so long. Like pages and pages, if I want to write everything down in my head that I'd like to say.

 

[FailedNav]

Yeah. I think about what I need to say all the time. But when I try to actually write the letter, it's just a jumble of juvenile ramblings.

 

[tipoftheRGB]

yes - most days for 3.5 years now so I guess its a form of rumination

 

[Rihan]

I've been writing a note in my head for so long that I actually started a digital draft of it. I started the note over 2 years ago, yet it is nowhere near completed. When I just want to pass the time, I work on my note. It's a hobby at this point. I wonder how long it'll be when I die.

 

[taker_of_insulin]

yes - most days for 3.5 years now so I guess its a form of rumination

Exactly. Nice use of Rumination. It's almost compulsory for me now. Anytime I get stressed or nervous, my mind goes straight to my future suicide note.

I've been writing a note in my head for so long that I actually started a digital draft of it. I started the note over 2 years ago, yet it is nowhere near completed. When I just want to pass the time, I work on my note. It's a hobby at this point. I wonder how long it'll be when I die.

Wow. That's determination right there. I wish I could actually get the balls to put pen to paper.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

I definitely do this a lot. Although the letter is always short and bland. There aren't many words I have for my family and anyone I know in person. However for my online friends, I could write pages and pages for them. About my feelings and how sorry I would be to abandon them.

 

[Shadowsight]

Yes lol.

I've had multiple versions of it saved to my desktop since last year, but I always end up hating it and starting it over(but tbf, I'm just like that in general when it comes to my writing lol). I'm probably gonna have to trim it down as much as possible and just put the bare basics, because I REALLY want to get something out on actual paper to have it ready.

 

[angelhopes]

Yes! I just started writing all of it oncmy private twitter account since I feel like keeping it on my head would make my brain explode :)

 

[Larnahh]

Yup! I have few diffrent version of what I want to say, but when I try to write it down everything in my head just disappears

 

[PanaxMan]

Almost every day, I type out my note that I'd like to leave my friends and family in my head. And it's so long, I should probably try and put my thoughts down on paper, so when I am ready, I'll be able to leave a good piece of literature for them. lol.

But honestly, I constantly think about the last things I'd like to say to so many people. And in my head, the letter is so long. Like pages and pages, if I want to write everything down in my head that I'd like to say.

Sure but it's worthless unless you have someone to care about

 

[taker_of_insulin]

Sure but it's worthless unless you have someone to care about

Are you saying you have no one to care about in your life? No family? No friends? Dog?

 

[gardenoflonely]

I used to but I find myself having nothing to say/think anymore regarding a note. I wish I had written more down when I was younger.

 

[PanaxMan]

Are you saying you have no one to care about in your life? No family? No friends? Dog?

Yup besides my sister but she's still in high school. Can't do much for her sadly and animals die off too easily for me to actually care so if I had a life I wouldn't purchase a animal

 

[taker_of_insulin]

Yup besides my sister but she's still in high school. Can't do much for her sadly and animals die off too easily for me to actually care so if I had a life I wouldn't purchase a animal

My dog is the only thing keeping me going, honestly. I got him during my last breakup 4 years ago to keep me company. I thought I'd be able to snap out of this depression by then, but I haven't. Thankfully my younger sister said she'd take care of him if anything happened to me. If he wasn't in my life, I would've left several years ago. It still breaks my heart thinking he might think I abandoned him when I do finally leave.

 

[Bitterly_Nostalgic]

I'm always coming up with things I would put into a note and then usually typing up a draft later. They often end up long, painful, overly confessional and if I'm in a bad state they can be very angry. Sometimes I keep them, other times I delete them. If I were to make a real note to leave behind, I would probably be tempted to keep it short. Basically just an apology and telling my family I love them. I've come to realize there's nothing I can say in a letter to make things easier or better for them, so may as well leave it short.

 

[Unworthyhuman]

every single day. some things are better left unsaid, I won't leave a note....people know what they did.

 

[ladylazarus4]

I used to do it a ton as part of my suicide-focused rumination. I'd also ruminate about methods/planning and about people's reactions. IMO this was a type of avoidance- whenever I'd think about or experience something distressing, my brain would remind me that I have a way out and it would allow me to not have to think about it anymore.
Interestingly, I've felt very close to completing for the last few weeks but the rumination has been different- less glorifying/avoidance, more fear/sadness if that makes sense.

 

[thelostautistic]

Yep. I'm always thinking about what I would write and it makes me sad