I was feeling at my worse a couple days ago, I felt anxious to ctb so I decided to visit my family for the last time, in the mix I didn't feel like getting up I stayed for days not having the urge to get up because I knew if I went back to my dorm I was going to ctb. Don't have the energy to get up and don't have any motivation whatsoever but being around really shows me my family cares about me a lot, not that it matters to my reason to not ctb but I'm curious if anyone has this bipolar mindset where it switches to very very bad intentions to moderate okay intentions. Honestly I've been through this same cycle and I'm tired of it but everytime I'm doing ok I don't have the energy or thought process to ctb.
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This is what's kept me from committing for years. I hate my life, and I know I hate my life, but whenever I get close to doing it the voice in my brain tells me "Oh but maybe things will improve one day...". I know those chances are very low but for some reason I still listen to that voice. My SN got delivered yesterday, and now that I have the option to ctb any night of my choosing, that voice keeps getting stronger.
I have a lot of reasons to be honest. I had an abusive childhood which led me to develop cptsd which ruined my chances of having a normal life. As a result of it I have abysmal social skills/anxiety (which caused great bullying at school - I was the "weird kid" in my year) and suffer from anhedonia. I'm also generally unattractive and am 5'4 despite being a man. All of those things together just give me no motivation to live. I still live with my abusive father and the economy in my country is awful so there's no chances of me getting my own apartment or anything. What about you?
I feel you, I would say I had a very strange life because of my decision making. Everything fell apart my high school years. I isolated myself and never had real friends during that time, in the mist of me self isolating I obtained social anxiety and a hatred for people which then gave me a speech impediment. Graduated with no friends, went into college with the same issues… over came those issues my junior year and still gained no friends… now in my senior year going in my last year with zero friends. The loneliness is unbearable.
I'm going into my last year aswell. I hope you find peace. Hopefully I will ctb Saturday nightSimilar threads
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