Discussion Does anyone else have any trouble accepting things like compliments?

[hxppythxught]

yes, i have trouble accepting compliments, mostly because all my life i've been bullied or shamed for how i look. even my father sometimes still harshly comments on how i dress because its unique. today my therapist said i was a attractive person and thats why im targeted but deep down i feel like even thats a lie even though many people have told me im pretty or other things..
i suppose i just have trust issues i feel like people are just telling me nice things because they want something from me or want to control me better..

 

[vipatherappa]

I feel like I have trouble accepting compliments beacuse I have a general mistrust of people and because of my lack of self-esteem. If I can't see in myself what they say they see in me how can I believe them? I also always seem to sense that they're either insincere (by their posture and facial expression) or that they have an incentive to give me a compliment (e.g. at work or uni, it's simply a part of professional etiquette). There's also the aspect of comparing yourself with other people. Like, why are you complimenting me on something when you know someone else that does it better or has it better?

I think the solution here is to try to acknowledge their intent. Even if they're not completely sincere (which we can never tell with absolute certainty), they're reaching a hand out towards you as a friendly gesture. The implied meaning of the compliment is 'I want to develop a healthy relationship with you through positive reinforecement'. And comparing yourself to other people is unhelpful unless you're involved in some friendly competition I think. It's always better to compare your present self with your past self, and reflect on how you've succeeded or what went wrong. Comparing yourself to other people makes you develop superiority/inferiority complexes that are really detrimental to forming healthy relationships with people.

Having said this, actually practicing these solutions is really hard! I hope everyone finds their own solutions to this issue and succeeds. There's always that malevolent part of your mind that leads you back to negative patterns of thought and behaviour when you're mentally ill. I sometimes wish that psychiatrists/psychotherapists could just take a metaphorical scalpel and scrape that tumour that produces negative thoughts out, like a neurosurgeon removes a brain tumour.

 

[stillmirenai]

yes, i have trouble accepting compliments, mostly because all my life i've been bullied or shamed for how i look. even my father sometimes still harshly comments on how i dress because its unique. today my therapist said i was a attractive person and thats why im targeted but deep down i feel like even thats a lie even though many people have told me im pretty or other things..
i suppose i just have trust issues i feel like people are just telling me nice things because they want something from me or want to control me better..

I'm not trying to be part of the problem. But listen, people historically have been in frightfully strong opposition of difference, because it's not something they can control, most likely, among other things... but that doesn't necessarily mean difference is a bad thing. I know how hard it is to trust the words of a therapist, trained to spout pro-life nonsense at every patient, so take it from me, a random stranger on SaSu who decided to reply to your post; difference is oftentimes good, because it paves the way for change and development.

If I were you, I'd be proud I have a unique sense of fashion, and while it's unlikely you feel like showing off, at least be happy you're not dressing like everybody else. I think if you were in a crowd, you'd stand out from everyone because of your dressing style, and that's a good thing.

I agree that humans are interest driven creatures, but that interest could be interpreted in many ways. For example, some people, although an unfortunately decreasing minority, are genuinely interested in other people's well being. Others, as you may have experienced, are only interested in themselves, and if they can't gain anything from you, they just throw you aside. It may make you feel worthless, but they are more worthless for treating humans like anything less than a human.

I feel like I have trouble accepting compliments beacuse I have a general mistrust of people and because of my lack of self-esteem. If I can't see in myself what they say they see in me how can I believe them? I also always seem to sense that they're either insincere (by their posture and facial expression) or that they have an incentive to give me a compliment (e.g. at work or uni, it's simply a part of professional etiquette). There's also the aspect of comparing yourself with other people. Like, why are you complimenting me on something when you know someone else that does it better or has it better?

I think the solution here is to try to acknowledge their intent. Even if they're not completely sincere (which we can never tell with absolute certainty), they're reaching a hand out towards you as a friendly gesture. The implied meaning of the compliment is 'I want to develop a healthy relationship with you through positive reinforecement'. And comparing yourself to other people is unhelpful unless you're involved in some friendly competition I think. It's always better to compare your present self with your past self, and reflect on how you've succeeded or what went wrong. Comparing yourself to other people makes you develop superiority/inferiority complexes that are really detrimental to forming healthy relationships with people.

Having said this, actually practicing these solutions is really hard! I hope everyone finds their own solutions to this issue and succeeds. There's always that malevolent part of your mind that leads you back to negative patterns of thought and behaviour when you're mentally ill. I sometimes wish that psychiatrists/psychotherapists could just take a metaphorical scalpel and scrape that tumour that produces negative thoughts out, like a neurosurgeon removes a brain tumour.

For us to know what good is like, we must know something detrimental to compare it to. In that way, I guess it's a necessary evil... but I actually totally agree with what you said.