i had a lot of uninformed failed attempts to ctb in the past but my closest to succeeding was when i was 19, i'm 31 now and have always felt like there was some kind of mistake and i was supposed to never wake up after that particular attempt years ago, like i haven't been truly alive since then. i think i was really supposed to die that day, and a lot of the time i really wish i had so it'd be over with already.
i can also relate to the joy of life ending quickly and i'm sorry that's been the experience of others here too. that attempt at 19 was the closest i came to succeeding but the first time i attempted i was 6 years old. i've basically never had that joy i guess, but having it at one point only to lose it sounds awful too and i empathize.