Discussion Does anyone else feel childish?

[loser4ever4life]

Hi y'all, I had a question that I don't mean to come off as rude or anything like that at all. I wanted to ask if anyone felt childish? For context, I am 22, finishing up post-secondary, and feel as though my life has already had all its best moments? Or maybe a better way of putting it is, as if my life has "peaked" in terms of comfortability, friends, relationships, and stability, and what comes next is very bumpy and rocky. I've wanted to ctb for about a month now, planned some attempts, tried once but SI took over. I am autistic and have trouble coping with change. It's not my only reason, I have serious anxiety and depression too, my future looks bleak tbh.I originally wanted to ctb when I was 16, because high school was shit, but I wanted to give university a shot, and university was damn fun, but now I find myself torn up about facing the real world because I feel I will fail, and now is a good time before things get bad.

I guess what I am asking is, is it childish of me to ctb because I can't really face the uncertainty of being an adult?

 

[shineboy2k15taliban]

i wouldnt say its childish if you're very sure somethings going to go wrong in the future that will fuck the rest of your life over

but if its just a case of uncertainty like yours, not really knowing how your life will go after this moment, i say just give it a shot man you never know what could happen good things could happen, think of it like a rollercoaster ride just hang on for the sake of it and see where life takes you

so yea unless you have something going on that is seriously threatening your wellbeing or is emotionally damaging you, you shouldn't really ctb

it also helps to have a reliable method on standby, it'll make you feel more at ease and comfortable cuz you'd then have an escape to resort to whenever you wish incase anything seriously goes wrong

 

[getoutgirl]

Part of my suicide desire manifests that way. I'd rather not do something than fail at it.
So instead of failing at being an adult and that failure being perceived by everyone around me, who is definetly not failing and have years of advantage over me, I'd rather just not do the damn thing. Disappear. That's not failing because no one will know for sure, I might be out there failing or succeeding, it's just refusing to participate altogether in that social perception. I don't think I'm equiped for that, so I hide, and there is but one greatest way to do that.
Is that childish? cowardly? maybe.
are failure and success social baloney? probably
I know failing is a crucial part of development and growth. But when guilt, mental issues and many other factors pile up on top of that making failure not only guaranteed in many situations but very dreadful... the brain copes this way. Mine does at least.
for the actual good advice see the comment above, this is pure relatability.

 

[loser4ever4life]

i wouldnt say its childish if you're very sure somethings going to go wrong in the future that will fuck the rest of your life over

but if its just a case of uncertainty like yours, not really knowing how your life will go after this moment, i say just give it a shot man you never know what could happen good things could happen, think of it like a rollercoaster ride just hang on for the sake of it and see where life takes you

so yea unless you have something going on that is seriously threatening your wellbeing or is emotionally damaging you, you shouldn't really ctb

it also helps to have a reliable method on standby, it'll make you feel more at ease and comfortable cuz you'd then have an escape to resort to whenever you wish incase anything seriously goes wrong

Thanks for the response, I'm pretty sure something will go wrong very soon, I just have that feeling. I am not a functional human being in my own eyes, as sad as that may seem

Additionally, I do have depression, and I just got out of a 2 month period where I felt absolutely nothing, complete anhedonia. I don't want to go back to that state either. Ever since I've joined this forum and got a reliable method on hand, I have felt a lot better!

I know failing is a crucial part of development and growth. But when guilt, mental issues and many other factors pile up on top of that making failure not only guaranteed in many situations but very dreadful... the brain copes this way. Mine does at least.
for the actual good advice see the comment above, this is pure relatability.

I agree with failing being needed for development, I just feel that I will fail so hard and my life will get to a terrible point where I will want to ctb again and I don't want that to happen

 

[Namelesa]

nah its not childish at all to want to ctb cus of the uncertainty of what can happen. The unknown is scary and its totally understandable to want to avoid that in its entirety. Its complete fair and valid to want to die to avoid the risk of more harm done to yourself. Ultimately its up to you what risks you want to take. Do you want to risk continuing life to see if it will be okay or get worse or to risk a ctb attempt and escape this world and all pain forever. Like at the moment my life seems to be getting better recently but I won't at all called my past version childish or invalid for wanting to ctb as ultimately I just don't want to be in pain so death is just as good as having a good life in my opinion.

 

[brokeandbroken]

Hi y'all, I had a question that I don't mean to come off as rude or anything like that at all. I wanted to ask if anyone felt childish? For context, I am 22, finishing up post-secondary, and feel as though my life has already had all its best moments? Or maybe a better way of putting it is, as if my life has "peaked" in terms of comfortability, friends, relationships, and stability, and what comes next is very bumpy and rocky. I've wanted to ctb for about a month now, planned some attempts, tried once but SI took over. I am autistic and have trouble coping with change. It's not my only reason, I have serious anxiety and depression too, my future looks bleak tbh.I originally wanted to ctb when I was 16, because high school was shit, but I wanted to give university a shot, and university was damn fun, but now I find myself torn up about facing the real world because I feel I will fail, and now is a good time before things get bad.

I guess what I am asking is, is it childish of me to ctb because I can't really face the uncertainty of being an adult?

I think there's entirely a juvenile angle that can get leeched onto my story. Where if someone just looked at my life at the surface level would see Peter pan syndrome. In some way how could they not? I'm 31 and at the very least not intellectually disabled and I'm able bodied. I should be able to have a role in society. Except I dont in really any category. Im homeless rely on the government to eat have a place to sleep everything really. I cant get a half decent job despite substantial efforts or get justice for the crimes committed against me. So if someone is going to look at it superficially which lets be honest is basically all people do and apply occams razor are they going to assume my entire story or elements of it or assume i just never grew up. Kind of perversion of icarus vs Peter pan thing going on. So yeah if you would only examine a small amount of my life you wouldn't see that being the case and just assume peter pan. That said perception is reality and the reality is people don't care. It's far more common for someone to never try and not care than for someone to actually try be robbed of everything (literally) and then to be effectively strangled with it.

In all fairness though I'm not sure if icarus is more admirable even a bastardization of it. Maybe intrinsically but what's that matter. Homeless is homeless. I don't think people care outside of your place in the world at that specific second. But to answer the question yeah there's and underlying silliness and juvenileness to it like i grew up once had that stolen along with everything else now i got to wait until I can be an adult again. Though this also holds some amount of inaccuracy. In that my life is silly and juvenile but I'm blamed and treated negatively for it like an adult even though people aren't willing to deal with me in a positive sense like an adult if that makes sense ? Maybe put better because of my place in life my general agency as person is gone. And in replacement is just some general abstract silliness.

I really don't know if this makes sense. If it did let me and maybe explain it to me lol

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

All I can say is nothing got better for me after 21 or 22 years old. For me that was about 40 years ago. Downhill forever, ever since. It just keeps getting worse.

 

[Pale_Rider]

Well yes, but I have DID, and we have a little. He's about 7 I would say. He is for what the system exists.

 

[loser4ever4life]

All I can say is nothing got better for me after 21 or 22 years old. For me that was about 40 years ago. Downhill forever, ever since. It just keeps getting worse.

I'm sorry to hear that, I feel like I am headed in the same direction. If you don't mind can you tell me what has kept you from ctb for all those decades. Did it ever cross your mind when you were younger? I feel as though I do not have the strength to face my future.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I'm sorry to hear that, I feel like I am headed in the same direction. If you don't mind can you tell me what has kept you from ctb for all those decades. Did it ever cross your mind when you were younger? I feel as though I do not have the strength to face my future.

It did cross my mind many times. It wasn't strength it was stupidity that kept me going. I was a Jehovah's Witness and thought God was going the bring paradise very soon (that messed me up in all sorts of ways). I somehow got married at 22 and hoped I had a life partner, and when it got weird I thought it was my fault and that I could make it better (wrong). I reluctantly agreed to start a family, which began a never-ending obligation. I generally thought, even though it was all downhill, that I could somehow turn things around. I'm kind of slow and stupid like that.

 

[loser4ever4life]

It did cross my mind many times. It wasn't strength it was stupidity that kept me going. I was a Jehovah's Witness and thought God was going the bring paradise very soon (that messed me up in all sorts of ways). I somehow got married at 22 and hoped I had a life partner, and when it got weird I thought it was my fault and that I could make it better (wrong). I reluctantly agreed to start a family, which began a never-ending obligation. I generally thought, even though it was all downhill, that I could somehow turn things around. I'm kind of slow and stupid like that.

I don't think that was stupidity, my family was JW for a time too and they are considered a cult for good reason. It's easy to blame yourself for getting wrapped up by it all but I don't think its your fault, manipulation is a hell of thing. Thank you for responding.

 

[Griever]

Sometimes I wonder if I'm childish because I still buy plushies as an adult

 

[WastedPottential]

I know failing is a crucial part of development and growth. But when guilt, mental issues and many other factors pile up on top of that making failure not only guaranteed in many situations but very dreadful... the brain copes this way. Mine does at least.

This, I feel this; Even when I do succeed, I don't even know if other people would call it a failure or not, especially when compared to most neurotypical people.

When I fail at basic things, like not being particularly mindful of a small detail, everyone sees it as a learning opportunity to reteach me the thing, like I'm 7 years old.

It just ends up being tiring after a while, but I hope you have found your own coping strategies that work; sometimes, even a little bit of progress is better.

 

[loser4ever4life]

Sometimes I wonder if I'm childish because I still buy plushies as an adult

don't think anyone thinks that, lots of ppl do that

 

[cowboypants]

I, too, feel childish or better feel as a child, I'm autistic as well, one of the reasons I could cope with my methods for this long without working and offing myself.

No not childish to CTB it takes planning and courage to do it imo

 

[Griever]

don't think anyone thinks that, lots of ppl do that

Some plushies are just so cute that I have to buy them

 

[febuary]

yep, i feel this heavy. i didn't realize how good I had it when I was a kid, now I'd give anything to go back :') but unfortunately that's not an option, so... ctb is the next best thing, i guess. i'm also 22, no degree, living alone and working 2 jobs to make ends meet, no direction in life really. feels like i wasted my best years and it's all downhill from here.

 

[loser4ever4life]

yep, i feel this heavy. i didn't realize how good I had it when I was a kid, now I'd give anything to go back :') but unfortunately that's not an option, so... ctb is the next best thing, i guess. i'm also 22, no degree, living alone and working 2 jobs to make ends meet, no direction in life really. feels like i wasted my best years and it's all downhill from here.

damn, your situation is scarily similar to mine, 22, just about to finish my degree but I don't even care if i do,i feel no direction, financial pressure

I think it's all downhill from here, I wish i didn't care so much in the past

 

[Pluto]